White Van Man Page #4

Season #2 Episode #12

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EMMA:

I have therefore devised - The Emma

Keeley Speed and Skill Test.

Everyone looks at the buckets, confused.

GUY #1

(Yawns)

Err, I think it might be wrong for

me to operate drills and stuff right

now. I’m really tired - I got up

dead early.

EMMA:

Why’d you do that?

GUY #1

‘Cause you called me at 6.30am this

morning to tell me the location of

the meeting.

EMMA:

Yes I did. That’s the way this

works.

GUY #1

I just think it’d be really

dangerous...

EMMA:

Fair enough. You’re fired.

GUY #1

(Confused)

How can you fire me? You haven’t

even employed me yet?

EMMA:

Shush. The job’s not for you. You’re

eliminated from the competition.

Beat.

GUY #1

Thank you for the opportunity.

GUY #1 leaves, defeated. EMMA steps over to LIZ and GUY #2.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 21

EMMA:

And then there were two.

(Beat)

So, the task is simple. Open and

stir the plaster with the extended

drill bit, then plaster over the

crack on the wall, leaving a smooth

finish.

(Beat)

10 points and a 4 figure salary for

the winner, nothing for the loser.

LIZ rolls her eyes.

EMMA (CONT’D)

So - ready.

LIZ:

This is ridiculous.

EMMA:

Set.

LIZ:

I’m not doing this.

EMMA:

Go!

In panic both LIZ and GUY #2 bolt for the plaster pots. GUY

#2, flipping off the lid and quickly slamming his drill bit

into the plaster. He turns it on splashing plaster all

across the front of EMMA’S BUSINESS SUIT.

EVERYBODY freezes and looks at her.

CUT TO:

215 INT. CAFE - DAY 5 - 13:00 215

OLLIE and TONY enter, ushering GUY #2 towards the door as

quick as they can.

TONY:

If I was you son, I’d make a run for

it, ‘cos she’s gonna kill someone

and I’d hate it to be you.

In panic, GUY #2 rushes out the front door.

EMMA, her clothes still smeared in plaster, enters from the

back with a face like thunder, followed by LIZ who is

clearly trying not to laugh.

LIZ:

So, guess that means the job’s mine

yeah?

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 22

EMMA:

Err, no I don’t think that’s

TONY:

Course it is. She’d have got it

anyway.

EMMA:

No. We’ll do some more interviews

tomorrow. We have to find someone

who’s a perfect fit for Ollie.

TONY:

(To Ollie)

Look - she’s just what you’re

looking for.

EMMA:

I think that’s pushing it a bit

Behind her the DOOR opens, DARREN (wearing his new jacket

and earpiece) and ANDRZEJ enter. Everyone FREEZES.

OLLIE:

Hello.

DARREN:

Hi.

ANDRZEJ:

Hi.

Beat.

ANDRZEJ (CONT’D)

We just came in to get lunch.

OLLIE:

Good.

(To Darren)

The chicken’s nice today.

DARREN:

Yeah?

OLLIE:

Yeah.

ANDRZEJ:

No. It’s not.

ANDRZEJ smiles and goes to the counter. Awkward silence

between OLLIE and DARREN.

OLLIE:

New jacket?

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 23

DARREN:

Yeah. Do you like it?

OLLIE:

No.

DARREN:

Andrzej got it for me. A welcome

gift.

OLLIE:

Oh. Telling you what to wear now is

he?

(Beat)

So, how’s it going over there?

DARREN:

Err, good. Yeah, it’s really -

ANDRZEJ:

(Calling over)

Darren - what you want to eat?

DARREN:

Oh. I’ll have the... erm...

(Beat - looks at Ollie)

I’ll have the lasagna.

OLLIE:

You don’t like lasagna.

DARREN:

Andrzej said it’s good here.

Beat.

OLLIE:

I bet he did...

(Trying to not be awkward)

So, how is he as a boss? You like

him?

Silence.

DARREN:

Yeah. He’s fun.

OLLIE:

(Snorts)

Fun! Quite short though isn’t he?

Beat of awkward silence.

OLLIE (CONT’D)

(Defensive now)

Anyway, I’ve just replaced you...

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 24

DARREN:

(Laughs)

Ha. With who?!

OLLIE:

Liz.

LIZ:

What?

OLLIE:

Job’s yours.

TONY:

Damn right.

DARREN:

My sister? You replaced me with my

sister?!

EMMA:

Hang on, I

OLLIE:

She’s just what I’m looking for.

EMMA:

Err, no, she’s not.

DARREN can’t help but look at TONY. ANDRZEJ returns.

ANDRZEJ:

(Re:
Liz - evil smile)

I hope she’s as good as you think...

OLLIE is not happy at this and steps up to ANDRZEJ.

OLLIE:

What’s that supposed to mean?

TONY:

(Stepping in)

Ollie...

ANDRZEJ:

Easy, Mr Boyband. Nobody looking for

trouble.

LIZ:

Darren, what’re you doing with this

dick anyway?

DARREN is about to speak when ANDRZEJ cuts him off.

ANDRZEJ:

Unlike you, I treat him with respect

- don’t I, Darren?

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 24A

DARREN:

He treats me with respect.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 25

ANDRZEJ:

Now go get in the van.

DARREN:

Okay.

DARREN, quickly turns and leaves. Seeing the back of his

jacket LIZ can’t help but laugh.

LIZ:

Oh my god, Darren, why are you

wearing a jacket with your name on?

ANDRZEJ:

(Eye contact with Ollie)

You’re just jealous you don’t have

one.

And with that and a wicked smile, he’s out the door and

gone.

Beat of silence, until

EMMA:

Sorry - are you seriously giving Liz

the job?!

FADE TO:

216 EXT. HOUSE (ANDRZEJ’S JOB) - MORNING 6 - 07:00 216

DARREN makes his way to the house only to see ANDRZEJ and

JAN already working. He looks at his watch again.

DARREN:

Err... it’s 7am. You said 7am.

JAN:

No, today we start at five!

DARREN:

(Genuine despair)

What? But I thought

ANDRZEJ laughs loud - but stops, suddenly grabbing DARREN’S

face, hands clasping his cheeks, causing his lips to purse.

ANDRZEJ:

It’s good to have you with us

Darren. Already I think of you as my

own son.

DARREN:

(Struggling to talk)

Okay.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 26

ANDRZEJ:

We start so early today - to take

the afternoon and go to pub in

celebration of the bond we have

built!

DARREN:

Just so you know - I’m banned from

everywhere but The Oak.

ANDRZEJ laughs and goes to the house to get more stuff.

Instantly JAN turns sharply - facing DARREN.

JAN:

You hear that Mr Lateness? Already

he thinks of you as a son. Do you

know how long it took him to think

of me as his son when I started

working with him?

DARREN:

A couple of days? Seems like he says

it to everyone...

JAN:

Six months.

DARREN:

Six months? That’s not really so bad

-you know - to be thought of as a

son.

JAN:

(Angry)

I am his son!

Beat.

DARREN:

Biologically?

JAN:

Yes!

DARREN:

Okay...

JAN:

I had to earn his love... That’s why

I’m watching you. I saw what you did

to Mr Boyband - just ooped and left

for a little more cash. Well that’s

not happening here. Understand?

(Sinister)

I’m watching you.

ANDRZEJ returns. And suddenly JAN is fake laughing again.

He happily (but forcefully) SLAPS DARREN’s back.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 27

JAN (CONT’D)

This guy - he cracks me up.

ANDRZEJ:

That’s what I like to see, my boys

getting on.

Hearing this, JAN looks angry and gives DARREN the ‘I’m

watching you’ fingers as DARREN looks more and more

worried.

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