Who Made The Potatoe Salad? Page #6

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You want the young man to think

we a bunch of lunatics?

We is.

Yeah, you're right.

What is it you do for a living, Mike?

Somebody pass me the bacon.

I'm a police officer.

- As in, "cop"?

- Yes.

- Might be nice to have a cop in the family.

- Wonderful.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

Yeah.

I've got a couple of moving violations,

maybe you could kind of...

We can talk about that later, you know,

'cause I don't do that for everybody.

- Yeah, he doesn't really do that.

- It's really not...

You know, we can talk about that later.

Good morning, y'all, what's up,

what's up? Good morning.

Hey, June Bug!

Have a look at all the senior sexy in here.

- What's that I smell?

- Nothing.

Bullshit! That's reefer I smell.

You've been smoking reefer

without your granddad again?

No, Grandpa, you know

I wouldn't do that to you.

I saved you some.

- Some of that biblical-type mind...

- Hey, hey, hey.

Careful what you say now.

You know, we got the cops in here.

Babylon is in the house.

Five-O.

- Morning.

- Morning, neez.

Kind of uncomfortable with me sitting

this close, ain't it? Shoulder to shoulder.

You're used to me being in the back seat,

locked up, handcuffed.

Do something now. Do something now!

Anyway, before I was

so cop-fully interrupted...

Later on, at the dinner we's having

tonight, the Thanksgiving one.

Right, I was gonna announce my

engagement to Lupe, my mail-order bride,

I got her over there from like Monte...

Like one of them old...

She's like from places where they don't...

You know, where they be speaking

other than what I say.

Like I say this,

and they say something else.

Unfortunately,

before we had a chance to...

Consummate.

- What, Mama? The word you told me...

- Consummate.

Before we got a chance to get together,

she ran off with Hector, the gardener.

- That dirty b*tch.

- Mama.

Talking about she was

more comfortable with him, you know,

she says, you know,

she's all happy and stuff now probably.

Keeping it pimping like Daddy.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Keep it pimping like Daddy

from now on. I ain't... All that love sh*t...

Like you said, Daddy,

after the motherfucking...

"Ten years, f*** the b*tch,"

remember that?

Daddy was like, "After 10 years,

what the f*** I need her for?

"Your mama barely got by,"

you remember

you was me telling me about that.

You were like, "She was cool,

but it wasn't the way..." You remember?

Hey, you know, Ashley and I, we kind of

have an announcement of our own.

- We've been dating for quite some time.

- You know what? I'm done eating.

Yeah, I'm tired, too, man.

I'm feeling sleepy right now.

Grandpa, you wanna go do that?

- I'm tired.

- Yeah, let's go do that.

I'm right behind you.

Don't you all just drop the dishes

in the sink, rinse them off first, okay?

We know, we know,

Mama, we know.

I don't believe we've met.

We'll be

right back with Dark Wolf,

part of our Thanksgiving Day

horror marathon.

Well, this is some marathon.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Would you help me

with a little something in the back?

I'd be happy to.

Oh, p*ssy, that's it.

Oh, it's sure on, Daddy!

You gonna give me

some head, too?

- Did your grandma...

- Don't ask.

Yeah, you know, everybody was out there

waiting for the goddamn turkey,

I burned the whole goddamn turkey.

It had the stuffing and the plastic

all stuck up inside the goddamn thing.

Oh, my Lord!

Why'd you bring that sh*t up right now?

I thought my daddy was never gonna

leave you alone about that one, boy.

Yeah, well, he hasn't,

he brought it up earlier.

Which brings me to my next point.

You see the way in which

my father treats you?

- Yeah, I see that.

- You don't like it, do you?

Never have.

Where you going with this, baby?

You're treating Michael

the same way, Jake.

- No, it ain't the same.

- Yes, it is.

No, it ain't. Goddamn it, it ain't.

Now, that boy's a stinking-ass cop,

and you know how I feel about cops.

Oh, come on, now.

You need to get over that.

You know, you are much too old

to still be stuck in all that revolutionary,

seize-the-time black power crap.

Now, I know damn well

this ain't coming from the same woman

who used to march side by side

with me and had the big-ass afro,

the pick with the fist on it,

and that damn dashiki,

I know you not talking no sh*t.

Well, if you haven't noticed,

I moved on, brother.

You know, I joined the work force.

What's that got to do

with the struggle, baby?

It's a different world today, Jake.

You got everybody wanting to be a thug

instead of a man.

You ought to be glad

she not walking up in here

with some gang-banger named Poop Dog,

with his pants hanging half off his ass.

Well, baby, ain't nothing wrong with that,

that's the way

they wear their pants today,

- that's the style.

- Oh, please.

Please, if we'd have had it your way,

she'd have ended up married

to that damn Malik, then what?

She'd be his ninth baby mama by now.

She'd be raising the child all by herself,

while he's stuck in the joint doing life.

- Quadruple life.

- Exactly.

You know, you ought to be glad

she walked up in here

with a man got a job,

who seem to be about something.

Jake, baby,

you know, you keep this up,

all you gonna do is push Ashley

further and further away

from the both of us.

Better not nobody say nothing

about my potatoe salad, okay?

Took me three days to make this,

I don't wanna hear no,

"Who made the potatoe salad?"

Or it's gonna be on.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, so, Ashley,

what's up with you and Michael?

I mean, y'all talking marriage,

babies, or what?

- Maybe.

- Well, I think he's a very nice young man.

- I think he's a keeper.

- I think so, too.

I just get so upset that Daddy and him

aren't getting along, you know?

Sweetie-pie, you can't be

with who your daddy like.

Girl, I can't think of one boyfriend I had

that Daddy did like.

The last one I had that he liked was Malik.

- Now that ought to tell you something.

- Right.

Is that boy still locked up?

- Four life sentences. I think so.

- Oh, goodness!

Baby, you know when your

mama and daddy first got together,

I thought your daddy

was a real piece of sh*t,

but she up and married him anyway.

- Thank you, Mama.

- You're welcome, baby.

You know what, baby?

As long as he hitting that spot

like he's supposed to,

you know everything is all right.

Where your daddy at?

Mr. Brown? Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown.

Go, go, go! Ain't this part a b*tch?

The boy did fumble the ball

on the one yard line.

How in the hell do you drop the ball

on the one yard line?

- Damn.

- Boy.

I done told you about cussing

in other people's houses.

Get your little ass out of here.

I wonder where the hell

he get that sh*t from.

Probably from you, you ignorant ass.

- Keep talking, wheelchair b*tch.

- And what, punk?

And I'm gonna whoop off

on your old senior citizen ass

like your step-daddy should have,

you son of a b*tch.

You freckle-faced b*tch.

Hey, y'all come on now, it's Thanksgiving.

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