Whoops Apocalypse

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Come on, man! Hurry!

Aaaargh!

No, no!

Phone London. Quick!

Yes.

Land Of Hope And Glory

Put down your weapons!

Come on. Up with your hands.

English pig!

Hugo Burlap is buried.

The world mourns

a great international statesman.

And trouble brewing in the Caribbean.

Maguadoran troops seize British Santa Maya.

Three days after it happened,

Americans are stunned

by the tragic death of the man who was

our best-loved president of this century.

78 year-old Hugo Burlap died peacefully

at the White House on Sunday,

after challenging a reporter

to slug him in the stomach with a crowbar

as proof of his physical fitness.

Vice-President Barbara Adams

was sworn in at noon yesterday

to the job she thought she would never hold:

That of the most powerful leader

in the Western world.

Hugo Burlap personified the American dream.

For a man to rise from a humble circus clown

to President of the United States,

I believe,

speaks volumes for our democratic tradition,

and I am proud to step into his shoes.

To the world, he was an ambassador for peace,

truth, and the American ideal,

but to citizens in his home town

of Cleveland, Ohio, he will always be

Uncle Yuk-Yuk star of the big top

And it was in Cleveland at 11:30 this morning

that the President was finally laid to rest

according to his last wishes

Members of the President's family

were joined by heads of state

and prime ministers from across the globe

in an act of homage to the man

who shaped the course of modern America

What, then, of our nation's new Chief Executive,

Barbara Jacqueline Adams?

Shrewd, sensible, compassionate,

scrupulously honest:

She has overcome all these handicaps

to become President of the United States.

Right now, her major concern

will be the crisis in Central America,

where, 24 hours ago, Maguadoran tanks

rolled into British Santa Maya.

Reaction in London was swift

Mr Speaker, I do not propose

to sink to the opposition's petty level

by explaining why the invasion took place.

What is paramount now

is the safety of the Santa Mayan people.

Throughout history, we in these islands

have nurtured the twin flowers

of freedom and equality.

Liberty is our birthright, Mr Speaker.

Democracy will prevail.

Meanwhile

in Santa Maya

I give you your new presidente:

Generalissimo Francisco Nicanor Mosquera!

The new military ruler

met with a frosty reception

People of Santa Maya

Today, you are liberated

from the British imperialists.

You are,

once again, free citizens

of the Republic of Maguadora.

How will President Adams

respond to Mosquera's actions?

One man she will be listening to

is former president Jack Preston,

author of the book

Commie Bastards I Have Known,

and a leading authority

on Caribbean affairs.

Tomorrow she'll be flying to California

for top-level consultations

with the former president

in an attempt to defuse

this potentially explosive situation

Yes sir?

We have an appointment

to see the former President of the United States.

Yes, sir. President Preston is expecting you.

Right through there and to your left.

Thank you very much.

Hi.

- Madam President.

- Mr President.

- Marv!

- Ah!

Bill!

Great to see you again!

So, Mr President, how's life?

Oh... still serving it!

Er... Mr President, I don't know

if they let you see newspapers,

but we've been having some problems

in the Caribbean.

I heard about that. Sure.

So far, our support for

Mosquera has been iron clad.

Oh, he eats Commies for breakfast, right?

But Britain is our oldest ally in the world.

Sure, sure. Listen.

In my estimation, this is a whole dish of worms

that could squeal antsy in the long ticket.

We need to hump out wide,

hype up the squeak-bag,

before they screw down the jam box

Excuse me?

Always fox the grease monkeys.

They won't tango till you

crack down the fish pot.

You can't risk hell sh*t

with a bunch of lulu pig-suckers!

So, to give our support to Britain

would be entirely...

- The only solution.

- The only solution. Right.

You see, you can't empty your piss can...

till the heat's off the mugwump.

Always take down the gizmo

and caveat the cranker, before...

Mr President... it's been an education.

A pleasure, madam.

Marv!

- Bill!

- Mr President!

What a guy.

I can tell you that the President

has persuaded both sides

to meet across the table, and these talks

will take place in Miami tomorrow.

Ed Gardner, Tribune. Will the President

be chairing these talks herself?

- No, there'll be no US presence.

- Bob Sangster, Newsweek.

Does the President feel Maguadora

can be persuaded to withdraw from British soil?

Oh, I think she's still hopeful.

- Yeah.

- Ron Horrocks, Reader's Digest.

Has the President ever yearned to own

a Handtool Guide to the Waterways of Manitoba?

Yes, well, when the talks

broke for lunch, Bob,

what did the British Foreign Secretary

have to say?

Well... did he seem like he

was in a good mood?

Was he joking or laughing, or...?

When you say "walking with a stoop", Bob,

how do you mean that, exactly?

We remind guests that

while the international peace talks between

Great Britain and Maguadora are taking place

security checks will be in operation

We apologise for any inconvenience

Hold it. What have you got in the trunk?

Oh, er... just a little merchandise.

Merchandise? What kind of merchandise?

Oh, just a few samples.

See, I'm a travelling salesman.

Wanger's the name. Richard Milhous Wanger,

of Wanger, Wimple and Wadi.

We're manufacturers of games and novelties.

Probably you've heard of us.

No. Open the trunk.

Oh, you bet.

Boy, it sure is hot today, isn't it?

What is all this crap?

Duodenal Ulcer?

Yeah. That's one of our new executive games.

Very popular in Madison Avenue.

Spunky Spaniel?

Yeah!

Oh, he's a whole heap full of fun, sir.

See, you just put the batteries in here,

clamp it on a friend's leg,

and away the little fella goes!

It's all very er...

Uh-oh. Oh, my goodness...

Are you OK?

Er... no, it's nothing.

It's just a small bout of swamp fever!

Got it at a Snoopy doll symposium

in the Upper Congo. I'll be all right.

Well, what have you got here?

Some kind of a security alert?

You got that right.

The Maguadora peace talks.

Floors 7 through 15 are strictly off limits.

Yes. Off limits.

What's under this down here?

Er...

Oh, my God! My teeth are coming loose.

I hope this isn't contagious.

I wouldn't want anyone...

Oh, my God! Get this out of here.

Jesus! Move it, move it, move it!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And stay on your own floor!

Next.

It doesn't look very hopeful,

the sovereignty question.

Still, there may yet be a compromise formula

we can find.

I've a feeling

it's going to be a very long afternoon.

Hey, how ya doin', bro? Glad to know ya!

Who the hell are you? Where's Larry?

Oh, Larry's sick, man.

Contracted hepatitis from a septic squeegee.

I've just been sent down here by the agency.

- Agency?

- Yeah, Waxahachie Window Care.

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