Whoops Apocalypse Page #2

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High-rise maintenance in 47 states

and an equal-opportunity employer.

Jesus Christ.

No, no, my name is Nitz, man.

Conway Nitz III.

What's the matter with you?

Man, I forgot to introduce

you to my dog, Happy.

Boy, I tell you, without this little labrador,

I'd be blinder than a bug in a badger's back side.

Say, one of you guys help me into this cradle.

We can burn some rubber on this glass.

Er... listen. I don't figure this at all.

I'm going to call my boss. You stay right here.

Get some smokes!

Sir...

Right.

Here, boy.

Go.

I'll get the dog.

For God's sake,

see if there's a doctor in the place.

Yes, sir.

Watch where you're going, you great retard.

Doctor...

You've had a very lucky break, gentlemen.

But for the fortuitous,

rare chance I was in town,

lecturing on my new breakthrough

in the culture of rabies vaccine...

...this could be embalming

fluid being dabbed on.

Yes...

Now...

If you'll all just hold perfectly still...

I'll prepare the hypodermics...

Well, all finished now, thank you.

If you could have the payment sent to me

at this address, please.

Penis is the name. Dr Theseus Lyndon Penis.

I accept all major credit cards.

Gentlemen.

The British delegation have had time

to consider our proposals.

They have formulated

their official response?

I'm sure they have, gentlemen.

Is the CIA sure of these facts?

They say the Santa Maya peace talks

were deliberately sabotaged

by this mercenary, Lacrobat,

"to provoke a war in the Caribbean,

and assist a major arms contract

between Maguadora and the American

weapons company Nevada Technics. "

Let's just pray to God

the press doesn't get a hold of this one.

Here is a late newsflash

A top-secret report issued by the CIA

reveals that the Santa Maya peace talks

were sabotaged by the mercenary Lacrobat,

to provoke a war in the Caribbean

and assist a major arms contract

between Maguadora and the American

weapons company Nevada Technics.

Lacrobat is the world's

most wanted terrorist,

and his methods, though bizarre,

are terrifyingly effective.

He's already wanted

for 27 major international crimes,

including six assassinations

and the recipe for airline lunches,

and the news that he's once again at large

in the West is bound to be a cause for concern.

I'll be talking to President Adams

about the Nevada Technics scandal

live on the phone,

from the Oval Office, in just a moment.

This is suicide, Marv.

There's nothing to worry about, madam.

Mr Sweetzer's here.

Fine. Good!

Who the hell's Mr Sweetzer?

Madam, this report claims

Nevada Technics used a hit man, Lacrobat,

to wreck the peace process

in order to grease a major arms deal.

Oh... well,

I wouldn't put too much reliance on that...

And if that's true, Nevada Technics

would have a lot to answer for, wouldn't they?

Oh, well, yes, of course, but...

Madam President, you are, of course,

married to the chairman of Nevada Technics.

Yes... well, as you know...

as you may know...

my husband is away at present

on business in Australia,

and I wouldn't want to pre-empt anything...

OK, Mr Sweetzer.

...no, I don't mean that...

Oh...

Pardon me, madam...

Well, I'm afraid

the... line appears to be breaking up.

We'll get back to that one later on.

Well hell Gerry it's your company

Find out who hired this lunatic

Our press over here

has been worse than the Manson family got

Plus, our protg in the Caribbean

decides to open a new branch of Gestapo Ltd.

in the country next door.

And now the British Prime Minister

is about to play with his toy boats down there,

which presents the West with a small dilemma,

to say the least...

Well, I miss you too, Superman.

Finish your work and hurry home soon. OK?

OK, honey.

Bye-bye for now.

You show them, Sir Mortimer!

Someone

was out to wreck the peace conference

There's no doubt about that.

They succeeded. Mosquera refuses

even to discuss Santa Maya any more.

He... he may change his mind, of course.

International opinion is totally against him.

But he's a very determined man.

And so am I, gentlemen.

Make no mistake about that.

What's more, the people are behind me.

According to the wireless today,

my current popularity rating

is higher than any other national leader

in peacetime.

Astonishing.

It does demonstrate

confidence in our policies.

And we didn't win at Dunkirk

by running away.

Santa Maya must be liberated...

We shall use every means at our disposal...

...even diplomacy, should it

ever come to that,

because peace is the greatest thing

that any man can fight for.

And fight we shall.

Fight, until victory is finally ours.

Darling!

Darling...

Darling where are you?

In here, darling.

- Did you get the strawberry jam?

- No...

I... I didn't get it.

Oh, Dickie, you went into

the village specially.

What am I going to give the rector for tea

when he...?

Dickie? There's something wrong?

Wrong?

Well...

Not really, old thing.

Nothing to get in a tizzy over.

You'll hear soon enough.

It looks as if there's going to be

a bit of a scrap in the Caribbean.

They're sending a task force down

to get the Maguos out of Santa Maya.

- Dickie...!

- This telegram was waiting at the post office.

Everyone's to report to Portsmouth

by six o'clock tonight.

Tonight? But...

Oh, God.

Chin up, now. It won't be so bad.

One... knows one's duty, and...

I'm not afraid. I'll see it through.

I'm not scared.

Of course not.

You're not the one that's got to go.

No, I know. Just as well, really.

I get damnably seasick.

I suppose you'll be wanting

your uniform back, then.

Oh, I'll miss him!

Land Of Hope And Glory

Point the gun at the General.

That's it smile

Ah, this is going to be great!

Now show us what you think

Get out of my way!

For Christ's sake!

What the hell's going on here?

Get these... women covered up.

And get these two cretins out of here...

before I call the police!

Sir! Sir!

What is it?

I think you'd better take a look at this.

Oh, my God!

They've finally done it.

They've finally done the unthinkable.

157 warships, I would call

a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv.

- We don't need this sabre-rattling.

- Absolutely, madam.

Any chance of getting Mosquera back

to the talks?

Well, after what happened in Miami,

I guess he's not feeling too talkative any more.

Hail To The Chief

Two countries get worked up over a banana

plantation, and we've got to clean up...

US support for the fascist...

Aaaargh!

We must keep the peace process alive...

Death to the Nazi junta! Aaaargh!

I want a session with both ambassadors

as soon as we're in Washington.

Welcome to Jacksonville, Florida...

Two more days

and we shall be in the Caribbean.

From here on, I want

every ship in this fleet,

every sailor, every soldier,

put on red alert.

We're about to enter

a potential battle zone.

Sir... a dispatch just in from London.

Buckingham Palace?

It's Princess Wendy. They want her transferred

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