Wiener-Dog

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Remi!

Remi, look!

I got you a surprise.

Wiener-Dog!

Now who's gonna walk it?

I'll walk it.

And Remi will pitch in, too.

You don't have to

if you don't want to.

Damn right I don't have to.

But tell me

who's going to clean up

after it shits all over

the living room floor.

Remi understands.

He's not a little kid.

He's a f***ing survivor!

His hair is all grown back.

The doctor said

it would be fine

as long as he keeps up

with the blood work.

And now he's got all summer

to learn how to housebreak it.

It's gonna be good for him.

F***ing a**hole.

Shh.

It's okay.

It's okay, Wiener-Dog.

I'm here.

Shh.

Heel!

Heel!

Heel! Goddamn it!

Heel!

Motherf***er! Heel.

Heel, motherf***er.

Heel, motherf***er.

Hey, Dad,

when do you think

we can let Wiener-Dog

out of her cage?

When she's housebroken.

Why do people

say "housebroken"?

Because...

Remi, you have to break a dog,

break their will,

so that they'll submit

to your will.

It's a kind of civilizing.

So they act like humans.

You mean so they go

to the bathroom outside

instead of inside?

Exactly.

But when you break a will,

well...

What is a will exactly, anyway?

It's character.

Force of character.

It's the thing

that makes you you.

Hey, Remi, it's time!

We have to go the vet!

- Mom?

- Yes, honey?

What's "spaying" mean?

It just means, this way,

we don't have to worry

about the dog getting pregnant.

What do they do to her?

Really, it's nothing.

She won't know any different.

Does it hurt?

No, really, it happens so fast,

she won't even

know what happened.

But what do they do to her?

You know, honey,

I'm really not sure.

I mean, all dogs get this done.

Really, it's like going

to the dentist

and having your teeth cleaned.

No big deal.

But what if Wiener-Dog

wants to have puppies.

She won't.

Believe me, that's a total myth.

But what

if Wiener-Dog's different?

Honey, she's not.

She's not like you and me.

She doesn't think this way.

She doesn't think.

I mean, she's just a dog.

But she has feelings.

Oh, sweetheart, I know,

and you're right.

But with a dog,

things are different.

A dog is not human.

It's an animal.

They look to us for guidance.

Without us,

they wouldn't even be here.

What do you mean?

Nature doesn't care about them.

It's sad but true.

We're dog's only friend.

Can I watch?

No, definitely not.

The doctor has to be able

to concentrate.

I won't say anything.

I'm sorry, Remi,

but it's just not allowed.

But Wiener-Dog will be scared.

I know she'll want

to hold my hand.

Wiener-Dog will be fine.

Really.

But if you're there with her,

you'll bring in germs with you.

It would be just like

when during intensification,

remember, all the nausea

and then all sorts

of complications

could start up...

Serious complications.

Like what?

She could die.

All right, then.

Run!

Run, Wiener-Dog, run!

Run, run!

Oh!

Remi!

Oh!

Well, I don't think

there'll be any barking tonight.

Way to go.

Hi, honey.

Honey.

Hi.

You know, when I was

a little girl in France,

we had a little dog also...

A poodle.

My mother

found her at the animal shelter,

and she decided to take her in

because she was so cute

and cuddly and sweet and funny.

We named her Croissant

because she loved croissants

so much.

But then, a few months

after she moved in,

she suddenly started getting

a little tired,

like she was depressed.

All her happy spirit

seemed to have vanished.

And that's when we found

out she was pregnant.

Who was the father?

Well, turns out...

she was raped.

What do you mean?

Well, it was a stray dog

in the woods.

He was called Muhammad.

Hair all matted

and scratched up,

all oily and ugly...

The kind of dog

that growled and snarled,

the kind of dog that has

rabies or ticks

or even worse.

Like what?

Like possibly...

a venereal disease.

You mean like...

AIDS?

Anyway, at the end,

Croissant became very sick.

All her hair

started falling out, her teeth.

Oh, it was too horrible.

And then when she gave birth,

she was in so much pain.

We gave her as many painkillers

as we could,

but she wouldn't

stop whimpering.

And then she died.

What about her puppies?

Stillborn.

If only she had been spayed.

- Poor Croissant.

- Yeah.

What happened to Muhammad?

- Oh, Remi.

- What?

Well, it went on raping...

raping.

Supposedly even squirrels

were victimized.

Until one day, it was shot dead.

They say it was skinned

and turned into a purse.

Were the squirrels spayed?

Oh.

- Dina?!

- Coming.

I'll get the car.

We're gonna be late.

You sure you don't want

to come join us at yoga?

Yeah.

Would you rather we stay home?

No, it's okay. You go.

You need to do your body

maintenance.

Oh, honey, are you sure?

I just want to stay

with Wiener-Dog.

I understand.

Do you have enough granola bars?

Okay.

We'll be back before lunch.

They're gone!

Wiener-Dog?

What's the matter?

Are you hungry?

Want my granola bar, hmm?

Okay.

Oh, God.

F***.

Oh!

You see this?

No!

No diarrhea!

No!

Christ!

What did you give her?!

What?!

Some granola bars.

Granola bars is not dog food.

It's food for humans,

and dogs are not human!

But I thought

granola was healthy.

Granola is poison!

Christ, the dog can't digest!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

- Mom?

- Yes, honey?

What's it like

to be put to sleep?

It feels good.

Like forgetting everything.

I'll never forget Wiener-Dog.

Maybe when you're older.

No.

Never.

Did Dad watch her die?

No.

They would never allow that.

So she was alone.

No, the vet was with her.

Where do you think

they buried her?

I don't know.

Actually,

she was probably cremated.

What's cremated?

Sort of like put in an oven.

Honey, death is a sad thing,

but it's a natural thing.

And sometimes it happens

without any reason at all.

Well, what about God?

We don't believe in God.

Well, what do we believe in?

Truth, compassion, love.

We're all going to die.

That's why we have each other.

That's why we love each other.

Then death is...

a good thing?

Yeah?

All right, hold on.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo

Doo dee

Doo Dee?

Howdy, Doo Dee.

Hey, Wiener dog.

- Brandon McCarthy?

- How's it going?

Wo... Wow!

Yeah, wow.

What are you doing here?

Not much.

Passing through.

Huh.

You look pretty good.

Thanks.

You do, too.

- Weird.

- Yeah, I know.

I actually tried looking

you up on Facebook once.

Oh, yeah?

Why?

I don't know.

I was just surfing around and...

I don't know. Your name.

I mean, I've tried looking

up other people, too.

Like who?

Remember Ralphie?

Who?

He used to hang out with me

in, like, seventh grade.

Oh, is he like gay pride

or something?

Transgender.

Huh.

- You used to pick on him a lot.

- Really?

- Yeah, like all the time.

- Hmm.

You even beat him up once.

You smashed his head

against the sidewalk.

Remember?

It's funny how none

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