Wild Bill Page #4

people are gonna want to open you up.

And I'd hate to see such an old mate

of me brother's get hurt.

I'll be invisible. You won't even see me.

Hardly.

Mate, ain't that your boy?

Oi, Dean! Dean!

Come here.

- What?

- Come on.

I said come on.

- All right, son.

- Have you seen this?

You must be proud as punch, boy!

What's your dad do? He's a boxer.

What's your dad do? He's an astronaut.

What's your dad do?

He's a f***in' signpost!

Have a word, what you reckon, Dickie?

I couldn't do it.

I expect to see you gone

by the end of the week.

(SCOFFS)

Come on.

Get on the matching smothers, Dean!

(LAUGHING)

See you at home.

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFS) Bicarbonate of soda.

What's this, then?

Hello, again! (CHUCKLES)

Bill, innit?

Do you remember me

from the other night? Roxy.

Yeah.

I was your welcome-home present.

Oh, sorry, I didn't, um...

- I didn't recognise ya.

- (CHUCKLES)

'Ere, did we, um...?

Did we...?

You know.

Don't you remember?

Five times, at least.

You were like a barn door in a hurricane.

Yeah?

(CHUCKLES) No, I'm only joking!

You didn't have a pulse most of the evening.

- (SNIFFS)

- Sorry.

It's all right.

I'll keep it on t'slate for you if you like.

- Yeah?

- (CHUCKLES)

Are you on the game, then?

Blimey, you know all the lines, don't ya!

Oi, do you know anything about baking?

What it was, I missed me son's birthday.

- I was gonna, like, um...

- Bake him a cake?

- Yeah.

- How old is he?

Sixteen.

Sixteen?

And you're baking him a cake!

Well, yeah... I mean, that was the plan.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sure

he'll be blown away by it.

Are you getting him an Action Man an' all?

- All right?

- All right.

Oh, look, I don't mean

to tease or nothing, but 16?

Your little boy's gone, me darling.

He's a man now. Excuse.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

I'm waiting.

- For what?

- Nothing.

Yeah, well, you can wait

for nothing at home! Come on.

(MOUTH ES)

(GROANING)

I've got a surprise for you.

What? Quit work after just one day?

Brilliant surprise.

No, I felt bad about missing your birthday.

Which one?

I got you a little present.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, it's in your room.

Uh, not you. Here y'are, that's yours there.

Come in!

I won't bite.

Who's that?

She's a friend.

She's got Dean's present for him.

Oh, yeah?

Your dad said it's your birthday.

It was.

Well, guess what?

It still is!

- What are they doing?

- Nothing.

Get your coat, we're going for a walk.

Oh, no! I wanna know what they're doing!

Exactly, that's why we're going for a walk.

Grab your coat, bring your doughnut.

Get her out! I want her out now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the problem?

Are you mad or something?

You brought a brass back

to have sex with me in me own mum's bed!

Well, they were all out of Action Man!

(GASPS)

I want her out.

Hello, Dean. Is this a bad time?

That's very good, Mr. Hayward.

Wow, I wish my kitchen was that clean.

Yeah... Er, it's the bathroom.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, Jimmy's room.

Had a little tidy up in there.

- The toilet's looking nice, Mr. Hayward.

- Yeah, yeah.

Toilet. Yeah. Call me Bill.

Yeah, no, er, John will be really pleased.

Oh, good, yeah.

Well, send him my regards, won't ya?

Yeah. Um, can I...?

- That's... That's Dean's bedroom.

- Yeah, I know. Can I take a look?

Well, I don't mind, but he,

he might be a bit uncomfortable with it.

You know what teenage boys are like.

Right, well, I'll... I'll save that for next time.

Come and say bye to Helen. She's off now.

I'm really pleased, Bill. Big improvement.

Well, good. Well, pop by any time.

- Um, what were you arguing about?

- Arguing?

Yeah, when I arrived. Those raised voices?

What was it about?

Oh, that, yeah.

Dean didn't really like his birthday present.

- Oh, no. What was that?

- An old bike.

(STIFLES GIGGLE)

- Crack it open then, Pill.

- See that lump. Has that gone through?

Ahh, yeah!

- I can smell that already. Proper.

- Yeah.

Making me need a pony!

(LAUGHING)

- There, that's a proper shine. Look.

- There, look at that.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

- Is that you, Rox?

- Yeah.

- About f***ing time.

- I got the baking soda.

Jesus, how much is that?

This, my angel, is one brick.

Share the taste!

This is my mortgage, darlin'!

You wouldn't ask a bank manager

if he had any money he didn't want.

Don't stand there gawping, babe!

Put a pan on, let's cook this sh*t up!

Too right, mate!

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

This one's bubbling.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CHATTERING)

(GIRLS SHOUTING)

Dirty b*tch.

(WHISTLES)

- Lovely, mate.

- There you go.

- All right?

- Ta, ta. All the best.

That's a nice little piece.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hayward.

(BURST OF SIREN)

For f***'s sake.

- Stay here, yeah?

- Oi, Boswell. Come 'ere.

- What are you doing?

- I ain't doing nuffin', bruv.

- What did you stop me for?

- Past your bedtime, innit?

- Who's your mate?

- He's no one, mate. It's just a mug, innit.

How's about I take you down the station,

search the pair of ya?

What would I find?

You won't find nothing, mate.

We ain't got nothing on us.

I know what you're like, Boswell.

If you're out, you're up to no good, ain't ya?

Not necessarily.

What can you tell me about some trainers?

- What trainers?

- You tell me.

I don't know f*** all about any trainers.

- Don't ya?

- Nah, mate. Stop pissing about.

What did you really pull me over for?

Stop me having a nice evening,

know what I mean?

- Why don't you go home, hey?

- Why don't you piss off back to the nick?

You need to watch your mouth.

- You owe me!

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Shut up!

(GROANING)

T! Please!

Come on, leave him alone, T.

T, I didn't...

Please!

- T!

- You gonna run to your dad?

- (LIFT CLOSES)

- (GROANS)

Thanks, mate.

You really hurt that lad before, you know, T.

Yeah, it's a jungle out there.

He's a little sweetie,

you shouldn't have him like that.

Oh, no, I should've wrote him

a little letter or something.

Oh, come off it, how old is he? What 10, 11?

I don't give a sh*t how old he is!

He works for me.

We're trying to make money, like a business.

You're not really grasping

this whole sort of situation are you, girl?

How it works and that?

You don't just give out loads of gear

and loads of money

and let them run off into the hills,

and go, "Oh, well, never mind, eh?"

Well, why are you working

with a 10-year-old anyway?

Erm, let's think. Maybe 'cause

the Old Bill can't nick 'em!

- I don't wanna listen to it off ya!

- It's got nothing to do with me, T.

I'm talking about the kid.

Will you leave me alone?

- Your coaching him in brass!

- F*** off!

Ooh!

Don't tell me to f*** off!

- 'Ere, where you going?

- Nowhere.

- Can I go?

- No, go home.

- Oh, go on!

- No, Jim, do one, seriously.

Dean, please.

Mate, I'm going to Steph's.

I'll see you later though, yeah?

Go inside, it's cold.

Cheers, mate. Say hello to Pete for me, yeah?

Will do. See you in a couple of weeks, hun.

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