Wild Country

Don't push! - I have to! - Kelly Ann,

you can't push until I tell you to.

We're almost there.

You're doing really well.

Okay, are you ready?

- Aye! - Push!

Good, excellent. Now, again!

One more, come on Kelly,

make this the last one!

And here's Baby.

Is she going to hold the baby?

- No, he's to go straight next door.

Do you want one?

How's she doing?

She's fine.

Kelly Ann...

I've just come from a happy couple

who will make wonderful parents

for that beautiful wee boy.

You made a family today, Kelly Ann.

Going to do us a favour, Father?

- Of course.

Get the hell out of here.

You did the right thing.

He's right.

Don't make the same mistakes as...

- As you?

Kelly Ann, they're here.

The bottles are in the fridge, Mum.

They'll pick them up later. - Right.

I'm away, then.

- Okay.

Kelly, come on!

- Shut up, Louise, I was pumping.

You're still doing that? What for?

They pay me for it.

- Painful for you!

Oh, how would you know?

Morning, Kelly Ann.

Alright there, Father?

Hi David, bit early for you?

Lazy bastard.

I'm not lazy. I'm laid-back.

Aye, must be all that marijuana, eh?

That's f***ing sore!

- Good.

Oh come on, don't hit the mascot!

I'm not your mascot!

- You're the wee cute one.

You're the big ugly cow. Maybe you

should be a mascot. - Hit him again!

That's enough of the rough stuff.

It's not funny.

Ah, don't cry, Mark.

- Can't help it, looking at your face.

Shut it!

Louise, did you bring a food bucket

or are you just gonna eat grass?

You know this is Sawney Bean country?

Don't tell me you've never heard

of Sawney Bean? - Nope, never.

Heard of 'Mr Bean'.

- Sawney Bean!

The Scottish cannibal.

Why don't you tell us all about him?

- Well,

way back he used to live in a cave

up in the hills with his wife,

and 14 children...

- Must have been a Catholic!

... and 30 grandchildren.

They were

sort of an inbred cannibal clan

who would ambush travellers, take

them back to the cave and eat them.

They even used to pickle the bodies

to have enough food for winter.

Anyway this went on for years,

with more and more folk

disappearing until one of

Sawney's victims managed to escape

and lead the King's army

back to the cave.

Sawney and his family

were taken to Edinburgh

where they were burnt alive.

They say that Sawney gnawed his

own flesh, while the flames cooked it

just the way he liked it!

No way!

- That's what they say.

They also say that maybe a couple

of Sawney's grandchildren escaped.

And that the people round here

have got the blood of Sawney Bean

running in their veins.

Father!

- Shite!

Right, who's getting the gate?

Mark!

Bunch of fannies!

Hurry up!

Go, Father! Just leave him!

Sh*t!

That was good, Father. Very funny!

We've got to carry all this sh*t?

Okay, here are your maps.

You see where we are?

- Aye,

sheep-shagging country.

Don't need a map for that.

Watch out in that woolly sweater,

you might get jumped.

That's enough, David.

We're at the drop-off point we

plotted last week. Have you found it?

I'm sorry, have you found it?

- Aye. - Good.

Consider yourselves dropped off.

Cheerio.

Oh, what's the pick-up point?

What is it?

Noon tomorrow at Blane Home Farm.

At noon? - And where exactly is

Blane Home Farm, when it's at home?

It's on the map. It's also

an excellent bed and breakfast.

I will see you tomorrow...

Maybe.

What a wanker.

- Grow up, David.

Make me!

There it is.

Where?

- There.

F*** sake, that's miles away!

That's the idea

of a wild country hike, big man.

So what do we do now?

- We start walking.

You coming?

Is that Lee?

- Aye.

No way, I don't believe this.

How did he get here?

Alright, Lee!

- Alright, wee man.

How did you get here?

- I took a train and two buses.

Coming with us, aye?

You've never been on a hike before?

- But I wanted to get my... medal.

What, the Duke of Edinburgh Award?

- The very thing.

Kelly, wait. - Louise, give us

a minute. - He's an arse.

Please, Louise!

- "Please, Louise!"

Kelly, going to slow down a wee bit?

Going to slow down?

How come you've been avoiding me?

I've been avoiding you? You never

came near me when I was pregnant!

That's what you wanted!

- When did I tell you that?

Father Steve told me.

- What?

You wanted to give up the baby and

didn't wanna talk about it. - Did he?

I understand. I was a bit pissed off,

but the baby's in good hands...

Leave him, Kelly, he's not worth it.

Just leave him.

What was that?

- I don't hear anything.

What do you hear, Kelly?

I think it's a baby crying.

No, I don't hear nothing.

Wait, there is something.

It's only sheep.

- Aw, you noticed.

Oh f***, check this guy out!

Alright, pal?

What's up with him?

Nothing, he tripped. He's fine.

Aren't you? - Never better.

You on a hike?

- Aye.

Overnight?

- Aye.

Where are you camping?

- What's it to you? - Don't know.

We'll find somewhere.

You know any good places? - Oh, aye.

I know lots of places.

Clear up after yourselves, alright?

What was that? Sheep-shaggin' freak!

Cool it, Lee.

He's probably got 2 dozen cannibal

cousins. - They can eat this!

Can you walk?

- Aye.

F***in' hell.

Hello?

Mrs Graham?

It's Missy. That's my name and

my marital status. - That's handy.

I mean, that your name's...

- I know. - I'm Steven Gillies.

I believe we spoke on the phone.

I made a reservation. - Good job.

Well, you can see how busy we are!

Come on in.

There we are.

Mark, you're putting it up wrong.

- Shut up, this is a man's job.

You're cooking dinner, ya big jessie!

Delicious.

Dinner's ready.

Oh yes, I'm starvin'.

Cheers.

Not bad, by the way.

Lee, did you bring the...

you know what?

Aye, wait a minute.

Let's try warmin' things up

a wee bit, eh?

Cheers, mate.

Thanks.

Suit yourself.

- What about me?

Sorry, you're too young.

- Aw, come on!

So how far did we walk today, Kelly?

- 13 miles, another 8 to go.

So, er...

what are the sleeping arrangements?

Me and Kelly Ann in one tent,

you guys in the other. - 3 in a tent?

Well, two and a half.

You can be my pillow, wee man.

It's like a f***in' primary school!

- Give it a rest.

Aye, give it a rest, you wee shite.

- Need a hand with that?

F*** off!

Lee, if you don't cut the crap,

you'll be wearing this!

Sh*t, I didn't bring any bog-roll.

You got some?

- I do.

I'm on half of it. - I dunno.

I might not have enough myself.

I feel a bit of diarrhoea coming on.

F*** off.

Grass works.

- Aye,

watch out for nettles, but!

Lee? You better stop messin'!

Is Lee your boyfriend?

Is she at it? - I don't think so.

- Nice try, Kelly Ann.

D'you think we should...?

Alright.

What's wrong?

You dirty old bastard!

I never touched her.

- He was watching me!

Look, pervert, you better f*** off!

You alright?

We shouldn't stay out here tonight.

Think we can make it in the dark?

No way, I'm staying here.

But what if he comes back

with his cannibal cousins?

Aye, f*** it. Let's go.

He won't come back.

- How can you be sure?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes