Wild Wild West Page #22

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Miguelito pops out, still brandishing Jim's gun.

MIGUELITO:

Now you die!

Totally deadpan, Jim and Artemus simply point ahead.

Miguelito turns and sees the onrushing cliff. He instantly

drops the gun and gestures desperately to the rope:

MIGUELITO:

Hurry! Cut it! Do it, you idiot!

Do you want to die?!

ARTEMUS:

Can you muzzle him or something?!

The rope starts to pop and unravel.

JIM:

There it goes! Hang on!

Jim grabs the rope.

EXT. DEEP CANYON - DAY

The monster machine plummets over the edge, legs flailing,

dragging the balloon behind it!

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE - DAY

Dr. Pemberton and Doyle are horrified at the sight. Are

Jim and Artemus goners?

EXT. TARANTULA IN FREEFALL - DAY

The three men are weightless with the flailing Tarantula.

Jim still clings to the rope.

And it finally SNAPS. Jim just manages to catch Artemus

by the wrist. Artemus just manages to snag Miguelito by

the ankle and all three of them whip skyward!

Up they sail, hanging beneath the ascending balloon,

Miguelito dangling upside-down. He covers his eyes as --

ANGLE - CANYON FLOOR

The magnificent Tarantula slams into the rocks like the

asteroid that killed the dinosaurs! It shatters into a

million fragments, EXPLODING in a volcano of steam!

ANGLE - JIM, ARTEMUS AND MIGUELITO

drift along, staring down at the devastation. Finally:

MIGUELITO:

I don't suppose you have any idea

what that thing cost, do you?

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE - DAY

Doyle and Dr. Pemberton are horrified as a huge fire-ball

rises out of the canyon. How could anyone have survived?

EXT. DEEP CANYON - DAY

Then the balloon rises gracefully into view, Jim, Artemus,

and Miguelito dangling beneath.

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE - DAY

Doyle and Dr. Pemberton are overjoyed to see them among

the living. TILT UP TO SEE:

The balloon drifting slowly down toward the amazed,

grateful, CHEERING townsfolk. And we HEAR:

MIGUELITO:

I remind you all you're dealing

with a genius! Already I am

analyzing my mistakes! I was

thinking too small! Next time I

won't settle for just the Southwest!

Oh no! Next time...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE TRAIN STATION - DAY

Artemus walks slowly toward the station, clearly dejected,

reading a letter over and over.

A lonely STEAM WHISTLE sounds in the distance. He looks

off. A train is coming.

But as the locomotive draws near, he realizes -- it's an

exact copy of the Wanderer. Except the engine is Number

5, the number the show's fans know (and they thought we

had it wrong all this time). Artemus is stunned.

As the train steams in, he's further astonished to see

Doyle leaning out of the cab with a big grin.

DOYLE:

A good mornin' to you, sir. Have

you met my new fireman?

Artemus does yet another take as he sees Doyle's new

"Fireman" -- beaming Dr. Pemberton!

Now Jim comes hurrying along, dressed in his Western

finest, carrying his saddlebags.

JIM:

Artemus! Look at that. Brand

spanking new. She's a beauty,

huh? Let's get rolling.

ARTEMUS:

What is this? A whole new train?

JIM:

Well, sure. Didn't you get your

orders?

Artemus glumly holds out the letter.

ARTEMUS:

Yes... yes I did. I'm to take the

three-thirty train to Baltimore.

I've been assigned a desk job in

the exciting mail fraud division.

Jim studies the letter, shocked. He hands it back to

Artemus.

JIM:

Oh... am I embarrassed. The

President made my assignment

permanent. New train, two weeks

vacation and everything. I just

assumed... I mean... I'd never

have asked you to meet me here if

I'd known.

Artemus tries to shrug it off.

ARTEMUS:

Jim, Jim... forget it. Obviously

your work impressed everyone.

Certainly impressed me.

(after a pause)

You're kind of unpredictable but

you are the best partner I've ever

had.

He gives Jim a heartfelt handshake.

JIM:

Damn, Artemus, I'm going to miss

you... and your gadgets, and your

disguises... your smartass

sarcasm...

Artemus smiles weakly. Doyle TOOTS the WHISTLE.

DOYLE:

All aboard, sir! Got a schedule

to keep.

Jim and Artemus part awkwardly, avoiding each others eyes.

JIM:

Well, we'll stay in touch... you

know.

ARTEMUS:

I'm sure we will.

Jim boards the parlour car and the Wanderer begins to

CHUG slowly away.

A YOUNG BOY scurries up to Artemus, thrusting out an

envelope.

YOUNG BOY:

Mr. Gordon, this is for you.

Envelope number two.

ARTEMUS:

Number two...?

YOUNG BOY:

That's right. Envelope number one

I am to give you at ten a.m. this

morning, which I did. Envelope

number two I am to give you the

second that there train starts

moving, which I'm doing. Mr. West

paid me five whole dollars.

ARTEMUS:

He what...?

Artemus snatches the envelope, rips it open - and scans

his real orders. He whirls to see Jim waving "innocently"

from the train. Artemus charges after him.

ARTEMUS:

You inconsiderate reprobate! It

was my assignment in the first

place! You were lucky I even let

you tag along!

Jim is cracking up as he urges him on. Artemus sprints

madly down the tracks and finally overtakes the train.

Jim extends a hand to pull him aboard and we watch the

Wanderer steam magnificently off into the new

WILD WILD WEST.

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