Wild Wild West Page #6

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ARTEMUS:

Come Llewellyn, don't tarry.

JIM:

Call me that again, and you're

going to find a boot where it

doesn't belong.

ARTEMUS:

(explaining)

Jim, people talk to foreigners,

speak more openly, especially to

those as famous as I, Chauncey

McNeil Armstrong, English lyric

poet.

Jim resigns himself to his fate. As they head for the

entrance, he unhappily adjusts his belt buckle.

JIM:

Does this thing shoot real bullets?

INT. MIGUELITO'S MANSION - FRONT HALL - NIGHT

Jim and Artemus step into the huge entrance hall and survey

the unusual scene. Not your average society bash. The

well-heeled CROWD is a bit eccentric with a Bohemian bent.

Whites, blacks, mulattos, Creoles and Cajuns mingle.

Liberated LADIES smoke cigarettes. A MAN saunters past

with a monkey perched on his shoulder.

SERVANTS wearing fezzes offer champagne. Somewhere a

STRING QUARTET plays Mozart.

Suddenly a very large hand reaches down to Jim and Artemus.

They look up into the ominous face of -- VOLTAIRE, at

nearly eight-feet tall he's the world's biggest butler.

They smile tensely, hand him their hats and coats, and

move off into the crowd.

JIM:

That's a lot of butler.

ARTEMUS:

Quite. Come, let's mingle.

JIM:

Do your own mingling. I'm not

hanging around with some dandy

named Chauncey.

And Jim swerves away. Artemus shrugs:

ARTEMUS:

It's lonely being a poet.

He steps up to a boisterous GENTLEMAN, introducing himself:

ARTEMUS:

Good evening, sir. Chauncey McNeil

Armstrong.

The gentleman points off:

GENTLEMAN:

Why, yes. Mr. Armstrong I believe

is on the veranda regaling the

ladies with some of his verse.

But I didn't get your name, sir.

Oops. Artemus needs a new identity fast.

INT. GRAND SALON - NIGHT

Jim strolls along, nodding pleasantly to the guests. He

pauses to admire a large painting -- Rembrandt's "David

Slaying Goliath." Surprisingly the painting changes into

Jacques Louis David's portrait of "The Emperor Napoleon."

(It's some kind of lantern-slide rear-projection system.)

It's then he notices the mansion features a variety of

quirky inventions. But even as he studies the place,

he's being studied as well.

We see her face through the crowd -- CASSANDRA THOMPSON,

a stunning Southern beauty whose seductive charms mask a

single-minded toughness.

Her eyes on the good-looking stranger across the room,

she listens with only feigned interest to the boring

chatter of the people around her.

Jim continues through the room when, from behind him:

CASSANDRA:

Taittinger?

He turns to her. This weird party has just gotten a lot

more interesting. She offers him a glass of champagne.

JIM:

Thank you, ma'am, but I never touch

anything I can't pronounce.

She smiles the kind of smile that makes a man forget his

name.

CASSANDRA:

I'm Miss Thompson... Cassandra

Thompson. Can you pronounce that?

Jim's surprised by her forwardness, but he rolls with it:

JIM:

Possibly. With some practice.

They stare at one another for a moment too long, then:

JIM:

My name's Tyler. Frank Tyler.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

CASSANDRA:

I get that feeling. You know, Mr.

Tyler, I'm the kind of woman who

doesn't believe men are much more

than a complete waste of time.

But after spying you across the

room, I'm tempted to suspend my

disbelief, at least for the evening.

JIM:

You know, ma'am, you remind me of

a pearl-handled pistol I once owned.

A beautiful thing to look at, but

too hot to handle.

CASSANDRA:

I don't recollect ever being

compared to a pistol before.

Shall I take that as a compliment?

JIM:

Please do. I'm a man who

appreciates a good firearm.

CASSANDRA:

Really?

JIM:

Well, where I come from it kind of

goes with the territory.

(off her quizzical look)

Texas.

CASSANDRA:

(seductively)

My... the wild west.

Jim studies her and smiles charmingly:

JIM:

You don't know how wild.

ANGLE - A HAND

stealthily snatches a gold pen from the pocket of a PASSING

GUEST. REVEAL the pickpocket is Artemus who has abandoned

the Chauncey disguise. He's ditched the wig, grown a

goatee, and grayed his hair.

He glides over to a cute MAID, setting the purloined pen

on her tray, speaking in a seductive ITALIAN ACCENT:

ARTEMUS:

Please, Signora, I have brought

this fine gold pen all the way

from Milano. A little surprise

for my gracious host. But, silly

me, I am too embarrassed to give

it to him. So, if you would only,

for me, put it on his desk in his

private office, wherever that might

be, then I, Giuseppe Verdi, am

your faithful servant.

The infatuated maid smiles, hurrying off with the "gift."

ANGLE - JIM AND CASSANDRA

still moving through the party.

CASSANDRA:

Well, sir, you are proving to be

one of my more interesting guests.

JIM:

Your guests, ma'am?

CASSANDRA:

Yes, in a way. I'm the Doctor's

social secretary. I handle his

correspondence, send out the

invitations, you know.

Jim tries not to look worried, but she sees through him.

CASSANDRA:

Oh, don't worry. I've already

overlooked the fact your name's

not actually on our guest list.

JIM:

Well, I owe you one, don't I?

CASSANDRA:

You most certainly do.

Just then the room resounds with a TRUMPET FANFARE.

ANGLE - TWO UNIFORMED TRUMPETERS

playing a fanfare as Voltaire grandly swings open a set

of double-doors.

CASSANDRA ESCORTS JIM OVER:

CASSANDRA:

Come, you're in for a treat.

A mysterious woman, ANTOINETTE, steps forward to announce:

ANTOINETTE:

Ladies and gentleman... A man of

science, invention, and great

genius. Your host, Dr. Miguelito

Loveless!

ANGLE - THROUGH THE DOORS

Marching toward us, like a king making a entrance, comes

a tall, elegant gentleman, a glass of wine in his hand.

The party guests APPLAUD, delighted at the sight.

GUESTS:

Such a sense of humor... What an

entrance... Brilliant!

Then, strangely, just as he's about to come through the

doors, in from the side steps a little man -- three and a

half feet tall, identically dressed and also holding a

glass of wine. We realize we've been looking at his

elongated reflection in a warped funhouse mirror. This

is DR. MIGUELITO LOVELESS, whose genius, refinement and

towering ego more than compensate for his lack of physical

stature.

He takes a bow. The guests all APPLAUD. Jim doesn't

know what to make of all this. Miguelito greets his guests

as Cassandra escorts Jim over to him.

CASSANDRA:

Dr. Loveless, allow me to introduce

Mr. Tyler... from Texas.

They shake hands. Miguelito scans Jim with a studied

eye, then smiles slyly at Cassandra.

MIGUELITO:

A new friend?

CASSANDRA:

We'll see.

JIM:

A pleasure, Dr. Loveless. You're

obviously a man of many talents.

Miguelito eyes him with apparent suspicion.

MIGUELITO:

Yes, and among them the facility

for seeing straight through a

person. Indeed, to know their

secret thoughts. For example, I

can tell what you're thinking right

now...

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