Wishful Drinking Page #2

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MIKE TODD.

HE PRODUCED:

A FILM CALLED:

"AROUND THE WORLD

IN 80 DAYS,"

WHICH WON AN OSCAR

FOR BEST PICTURE.

SO MY FATHER,

MY MOTHER,

MIKE TODD:

AND HIS FIANCEE,

WHO HAPPENED TO BE

ELIZABETH TAYLOR--

WELL, YOU KNOW,

THEY WENT EVERYWHERE

TOGETHER, RIGHT?

I MEAN,

THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS.

THEY WENT ON CRUISES.

THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED

THE WORLD.

SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH

GOT MARRIED,

MY FATHER WAS:

MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN

AND MY MOTHER WAS

ELIZABETH'S

MATRON OF HONOR.

YEAH.

SHE EVEN WASHED HER HAIR

ON HER WEDDING DAY.

NOW LATER I DID:

HEAR HER MUMBLE:

THAT SHE WISHED:

SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR.

BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER

WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY, I WAS ABOU ONE AND A HALF OR TWO

WHEN MY BROTHER:

WAS BORN.

AND MY FATHER--

HE SO ADORED:

THIS MAN MIKE TODD

THAT MY BROTHER TODD

WAS NAMED FOR HIM.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

IN THE JEWISH FAITH

IT IS CONSIDERED

BACK LUCK:

TO NAME A NEWBORN

AFTER SOMEONE:

WHO'S STILL LIVING--

A SILLY SUPERSTITION...

OR SO THEY THOUGHT.

'CAUSE ABOU A YEAR LATER

MIKE TODD TOOK OFF

IN A PRIVATE PLANE

IN A RAINSTORM.

Newscaster:

MISS TAYLOR WAS:

IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE

FOLLOWING:

THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND

IN A PLANE CRASH.

AND THE FOLLOWING

MORNING:

ELIZABETH WAS:

A WIDOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW

TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE,

GRADUALLY MAKING HIS WAY

SLOWLY TO HER FRONT.

( laughter )

HE DRIED HER EYES

WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.

HE CONSOLED HER:

WITH FLOWERS.

AND ULTIMATELY:

HE CONSOLED HER:

WITH HIS PENIS.

THIS MADE MARRIAGE

TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD.

AND SO HE WAS GONE

WITHIN THE WEEK.

Newscaster:

DEBBIE REYNOLDS WEN INTO COUR AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD

A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER.

SHOWING NO EMOTION,

THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED

HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME

INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN.

IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD

THAT THE SINGER WAS MARRIED

TO THE WIDOW OF HIS

GOOD FRIEND MIKE TODD.

RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER

BILLIE--

SHE'S ACTUALLY

ABOUT TO TURN 18--

SHE HAD A FLIRTATION

WITH MIKE TODD:

AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON.

AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET,

YOU KNOW,

THEY WERE TRYING

TO WORK OU HOW IT ALL

FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT,

AND IF THEY WERE

RELATED IN ANY WAY.

SO I THOUGH ABOUT IT.

NOW WHEN I THINK,

I NEED AN ENORMOUS

BLACKBOARD.

ALSO IT IS HELPFUL

IF I CAN HAVE:

A STICK.

THAT WAY:

I COULD POIN TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE

ON THE BLACKBOARD AND--

WHEN YOU PRAY.

THIS IS GARRET--

MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR

AND GYNECOLOGIST.

THANK YOU.

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.

SO WELCOME, CLASS,

TO HOLLYWOOD 101.

ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE

WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE.

NOW IN THE '50s

THEY WERE KNOWN:

AS AMERICA'S

SWEETHEARTS.

FOR THOSE OF YOU

THAT ARE YOUNGER,

TRY TO THINK OF I THIS WAY:

THINK OF EDDIE:

AS BRAD PITT,

DEBBIE AS:

JENNIFER ANISTON

AND ELIZABETH:

AS ANGELINA JOLIE.

DOES THAT HELP?

THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, SO...

EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH

WITH HIS PENIS.

ELIZABETH TAKES:

A MOVIE IN ROME--

A BIG-BUDGET FILM

"CLEOPATRA."

SHE MEETS HER COSTAR

RICHARD BURTON.

WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE,

HELLO RICHARD.

THE TWO OF THEM--

THEY HIT IT OFF:

LIKE GANGBUSTERS,

YOU KNOW?

AND THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED

AND THEY HAD A WILD,

TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP

OF VIOLET EYES:

AND WELSH ACCENTS

AND DRINKING:

AND DANCING:

AND LUST AND JOY

AND FUN.

BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS

RELATIONSHIP.

SO AFTER A WHILE

THE STORM CLOUDS CAME,

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

NO CHEATING.

WHAT?

STORM CLOUDS:

ARE A NEGATIVE.

Woman:

DIVORCE.

- DIVORCE, OKAY.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- NICOLE.

- WHAT?

- NICOLE.

NICOLE.

OKAY, NICOLE,

WHAT WE DO WITH OUR

BETTER STUDENTS:

HERE A HOLLYWOOD 101--

WE PROVIDE THEM:

WITH A MEDAL.

THINK OF I AS A METAPHOR

- FOR GETTING A MEDAL.

- OKAY.

- LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING

IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ."

- SHOULD I COME AND GET IT?

YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS,

YOU'RE OUT OF THE DARK,

YOU'RE OUT OF THE--

- NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE TO

UNDO IT BECAUSE--

- OH, THANK YOU.

THERE WE GO.

NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL--

- THE MEDAL FELL OFF.

- OH JESUS.

WELL, LET ME JUST PUT I IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN.

( audience laughter )

- WHICH IS AMPLE.

- THAT'S GOOD.

- OKAY.

- THANK YOU.

NOW, NICOLE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

STILL EARN THIS, OKAY?

- OKAY, I GOT IT.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN

SIT BACK DOWN.

- ALL RIGHT, SO...

- ( applause )

AS NICOLE SAID,

THEY DID GE A DIVORCE.

BUT THEY HAD:

GOOD MEMORIES:

OF EACH OTHER,

SO, NICOLE,

WHAT'D THEY DO THEN?

- THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN.

- THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP

THAT IN MIND:

'CAUSE IT MIGH COME UP AGAIN.

LET'S GO

TO DEBBIE, OKAY?

DEBBIE DOES NOT WAN ANOTHER MAN

WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF.

SO SHE MARRIES:

SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD,

WHO CAN'T RUN.

NOW HE JUST SITS

IN A CHAIR,

HE SMOKES:

AND HE DRINKS.

AND AFTER ABOU 13 YEARS

HE LOSES:

ALL HIS MONEY:

AND THEN HE TAKES

ALL HERS--

FUN.

AND THEY GO DIVORCED.

AND SHE WAS ALONE

FOR A WHILE.

BUT THEN:

FATE INTERVENED:

AND BROUGHT HER:

THIS SOCIOPATH.

YEAH, THAT'S

RICHARD HAMLETT.

HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO--

HER MONEY.

BUT NOW BEFORE WE GE TOO FAR PAS THIS FIRST STEPFATHER

RIGHT HERE,

THIS MAN IS NAMED

HARRY KARL.

HARRY WAS:

A SHOE TYCOON.

DOESN'T SOUND

LIKE THOSE WORDS

SHOULD FI TOGETHER, DOES IT?

IN THIS CASE THEY DO.

ALL RIGHT,

SO PRIOR TO BEING

MARRIED TO MY MOM,

HARRY WAS MARRIED

TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS MARIE McDONALD--

MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD,

AS SHE WAS KNOWN.

MARIE WAS:

AN ACTRESS-- ISH.

AND SO THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED,

AND THEY HAD A WILD,

TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.

THEY HAD A CHILD.

AND THAT WEN SO WELL,

THEY ADOPTED:

TWO MORE.

NOW MARIE McDONALD

WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC,

ROMANTIC WOMAN.

AND I SAY THIS:

BECAUSE SHE MARRIED

A GRAND TOTAL:

OF NINE TIMES.

YEAH.

NOW THAT IS A RECORD

FOR THE BOARD.

AND THAT IS:

SAYING SOMETHING,

BECAUSE THIS IS:

A MARRYING BOARD.

IF YOU MARRY:

THAT MANY TIMES,

YOU'RE BOUND TO GE A HEADACHE, NO?

TWICE GAVE ME:

A WHOPPER.

ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID,

YOU KNOW,

GIVE POOR MARIE:

A HEADACHE:

BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP

ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.

NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR

SOMETHING REALLY WILD?

I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.

IF YOU GET ADDICTED

TO PAINKILLERS,

IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO

VERY WRONG FOR YOU.

WHO KNEW THAT?

IT DID GO WRONG:

FOR MARIE,

BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP

OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON.

AND THAT LAST HUSBAND

OF HERS:

SHOT HIMSELF.

WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER

TO DEATH.

SO NOW THERE ARE

THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO

WITH THEM?

OH, I KNOW.

LET'S SEND THEM

TO HARRY AND DEBBIE.

THEY ARE TOLD:

THAT ONE OF THESE

THREE CHILDREN:

SHOULD BE:

INSTITUTIONALIZED.

BUT MY MOTHER IS

A GOOD PERSON,

MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN,

ONLY SMARTER.

AND SHE SAID,

"ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WE WILL PUT HER:

IN CARRIE'S ROOM!"

IT'S FUNNY NOW.

NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE,

SHALL WE?

HOW DO YOU:

FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE

ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT?

SO HE-- HE THINKS OF

SOMETHING THOUGH.

HE DOES:

PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.

HE MEETS:

THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

NOW THIS IS:

A BLONDE, CUTE,

PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS.

SOUNDS FAMILIAR,

DOESN'T IT?

NO, IT'S NO DEBBIE AGAIN.

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