Wishful Drinking Page #3

---

IT'S A TRIBUTE

TO DEBBIE.

IT'S CONNIE STEVENS!

SO THEY ME AND THEY HAD

JOELY FISHER:

AND TRICIA FISHER.

OH WAIT.

HANG ON A SECOND.

DID THEY FORGE TO GET MARRIED?

THEY DID.

THEY FORGOT.

WELL, BUT NOW THEY REMEMBER

AND THEY MARRY.

BUT AS ALL OF YOU KNOW,

LEGAL SEX:

IS JUST SHITE.

THEY HAVE THE DREADFUL

LEGAL SEX.

THE STORM CLOUDS COME.

NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?

- THEY GET DIVORCED.

- THEY GOT A DIVORCE.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

MY FATHER'S NOT ALONE

FOR LONG.

BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS

AND MARRIES:

THIS GIRL--

MISS LOUISIANA!

YES, SHE'S THREE YEARS

OLDER THAN I AM:

AND SHE CALLS ME

"DEAR."

SHE'S IN HER EARLY 20s.

HE'S IN HIS LATE 50s.

SHE HAD SO MANY YEARS

TO DEVOTE TO HIM.

BUT WEIRDLY,

AFTER A VERY:

SHORT TIME,

NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY DIVORCED.

THEY DIVORCED.

I WAS STUNNED.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

MY FATHER IS NOT ALONE

FOR LONG.

BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS

AND MARRIES:

THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS BETTY LIN.

BETTY'S FROM SHANGHAI.

AND SHE TAKES GREAT CARE

OF MY DAD,

WHICH, YOU KNOW,

HE NEEDS.

ALSO, BETTY IS RICH,

WHICH IS HANDY,

'CAUSE MY FATHER

HAS GONE BANKRUP FOUR TIMES BY NOW.

ANYWAY, THEY'RE TOGETHER

15 GLORIOUS YEARS.

BUT THEN, NICOLE,

WHAT HAPPENED?

- THEY GOT A DIVORCE?

- NO.

- NO?

- THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION.

SHE DID--

SHE PASSED AWAY.

I KNOW.

IT WAS REALLY SAD.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

MY DAD IS NOT ALONE

FOR LONG.

BECAUSE NOW:

MY FATHER DATES:

ALL OF CHINATOWN!

WELL, NOW HANG ON

A SECOND NOW.

MY FATHER HAS HAD

SO MANY FACELIFTS

THAT HE LOOKS:

ASIAN HIMSELF.

IT MAKES I MORE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SO LET'S RECAP,

SHALL WE?

OKAY, EDDIE AND DEBBIE

HAVE THE GOOD SEX.

THEY CELEBRATE.

THEY HAVE TODD AND MYSELF.

I GROW UP--

( chuckles )

A MATTER OF OPINION.

AND I MEET AND MARRY

THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS PAUL SIMON.

PAUL SIMON IS A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.

( laughter )

A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.

ANY QUESTIONS?

MY MOTHER MAKES:

A BLUEPRIN AND I FOLLOW I TO THE LETTER.

ALL RIGHT, SO PAUL AND I--

GREAT MARRIAGE,

WORDS WORDS,

SO MANY WORDS,

BIG WORDS,

CLEVER WORDS.

UH-OH, THE WORDS

GET MEAN, NICOLE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU DIVORCED.

- WE DIVORCED.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I AM NOT ALONE FOR LONG,

BECAUSE NOW I MEE THIS GOY-- GUY.

THIS GUY.

THIS IS BRYAN LOURD.

BRYAN'S A TALENT AGENT--

LESS WORDS, GOOD SEX.

WE CELEBRATE.

WE HAVE:

BILLIE LOURD, OKAY?

ELIZABETH TAYLOR

AND MIKE TODD--

THEY HAVE LIZA TODD.

AND WHEN MIKE:

PASSES AWAY,

MY FATHER:

ADOPTS HER.

ALSO, LIZA IS

A WONDERFUL SCULPTRESS.

AND SHE MEETS AND MARRIES

HER ART PROFESSOR--

PROFESSOR HAP TIVEY.

HAP IS SHORT FOR HAPPY,

SO HE'S NOT JEWISH.

ANYWAY, THEY MEE AND THEY CELEBRATE.

THEY HAVE QUINN TIVEY

AND RHYS TIVEY.

SO QUINN TIVEY:

AND BILLIE LOURD--

ARE THEY RELATED?

Man:
NO.

ARE THEY?

Audience:

NO.

YES, THEY ARE.

I TOLD THEM,

"YOU ARE RELATED

BY SCANDAL."

I JUST-- I HOPE

THE TWO OF THEM MARRY

SO ALL THIS:

WILL HAVE BEEN WORTHWHILE.

AND THAT IS:

HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

( grunts )

HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING--

IT'S A LITTLE BI LIKE ROYAL INBREEDING,

YOU KNOW.

AND CELEBRITY--

IT'S KIND OF LIKE

AMERICA'S ROYALTY, RIGHT?

I ACTUALLY--

I LIKE TO THINK:

OF CELEBRITY:

AS JUST OBSCURITY

BIDING ITS TIME.

SO...

( laughter )

SO MY BROTHER AND I

GREW UP WATCHING

OUR PARENTS'

ONCE WHITE HOT,

BRIGHT STAR OF CELEBRITY

SLOWLY DIM,

COOL AND FADE.

WE WATCHED THIS:

FROM A HOUSE THAT I CALL

THE EMBASSY.

'CAUSE REALLY IT LOOKED

MUCH MORE LIKE A PLACE

WHERE YOU'D GE YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED,

YOU KNOW,

WELL, THAN A HOUSE.

I MEAN, WHERE WOULD YOU

PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH

ON A THING LIKE THIS?

IT LOOKS LIKE:

AN AIR CONDITIONER,

DOESN'T IT?

SO OBVIOUSLY:

IT IS A MODERN HOUSE,

A WARM HOUSE.

AND IT HAD THINGS

THAT MOST NORMAL HOUSES

DON'T HAVE.

FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAD

EIGHT LITTLE:

PINK REFRIGERATORS

IN CASE SNOW WHITE

AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

SHOWED UP.

AND WE HAD A LANAI.

OH, WE HAD

THREE POOLS,

IN CASE TWO BROKE.

MY STEPFATHER:

HARRY KARL--

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

NOTICED OR NOT--

HE WASN'T REALLY

A HANDSOME MAN.

BUT BECAUSE:

HE WAS WEALTHY:

AND WELL-GROOMED,

HE WAS SAID TO BE

DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING.

THAT'S UGLY WITH MONEY.

( chuckles )

ACTUALLY THEY MADE

A MOVIE:

ABOUT HARRY KARL

AND MARIE McDONALD

AND THE MULTIPLE

MARRIAGES,

AND IT WAS CALLED

"THE MARRYING MAN."

AND ALEC BALDWIN

PLAYED HARRY KARL.

AND I THINK:

THE RESEMBLANCE:

IS ASTONISHING.

I REALLY DO.

OH, AND THE BARBER

THAT CAME EVERY DAY

TO KEEP HIM:

DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING,

WE FOUND OUT LATER

THAT THAT BARBER

WAS ACTUALLY A PIMP

WITH A TALEN FOR HAIR.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU

WITH PIMPS,

NICOLE, YOU KNOW,

THEY USUALLY--

THEY CAN'T DO HAIR

FOR SH*T.

SO, YOU KNOW,

THIS MADE MARRIAGE

TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD,

SO WHAT SHE DID THOUGH WAS--

SHE'S CRAFTY--

SHE GOT-- SHE TOOK THIS

MUSICAL IN NEW YORK

TO GET OUT OF:

THE MARRIAGE,

WHICH IN HOLLYWOOD

IS ACTUALLY:

A LEGAL WAY:

TO DISSOLVE A UNION

WITHOUT INVOLVING

LAWYERS.

AND SHE TOOK ME:

OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL

AND PUT ME IN THE CHORUS

OF THIS MUSICAL.

AND I DON'T CARE

WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,

CHORUS WORK IS:

FAR MORE VALUABLE

THAN AN EDUCATION

WOULD EVER BE,

CLEARLY.

I GREW UP--

I GREW UP KNOWING

THAT I HAD:

THE PRETTIEST MOTHER

OF ANYONE:

IN MY CLASS.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

MY MOM--

SHE'S ALSO--

SHE'S A LITTLE BI ECCENTRIC.

I MEAN, SHE DOES--

SHE HAS A LOT OF

UNIQUE IDEAS.

FOR EXAMPLE,

SHE THOUGH THAT I SHOULD HAVE

A CHILD:

WITH HER LAST HUSBAND

RICHARD:

BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE

NICE EYES.

I SHOULD PROBABLY

EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU

BEFORE YOU THINK

IT'S WEIRD.

UH, SEE,

THE THING IS,

MY MOTHER-- SHE'D GONE

THROUGH THE CHANGE,

YOU KNOW?

SO SHE DIDN'T--

SHE COULDN'T HAVE

CHILDREN ANYMORE.

AND RICHARD:

DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN

OF HIS OWN YET.

AND HE HAD:

NICE EYES.

AND MY WOMB:

WAS FREE.

AND WE'RE RELATED.

MY MOTHER WANTS ME

TO EXPLAIN TO YOU

THAT SHE THOUGH THAT YOU COULD INSEMINATE

SOMEONE:

BY GIVING THEM:

AN INJECTION IN YOUR ARM,

PUTTING THE SEMEN

RIGHT HERE.

IF SHE EVER THOUGH THAT IT INVOLVED

SOMETHING SOUTHERLY,

SHE NEVER WOULD'VE

SUGGESTED IT, OKAY?

NOW MY MOTHER DID NO JUST BRING THIS UP

ONCE OR TWICE:

LIKE A NORMAL:

MOTHER WOULD,

LIKE YOU WOULD.

NO, SHE BROUGHT IT UP

MANY MANY TIMES:

AND MOSTLY:

WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

AND WHEN I FINALLY

SUGGESTED TO HER

THAT, YOU KNOW, MIGHT BE

AN ODD IDEA,

SHE SAID,

"OH DARLING,

HAVE YOU READ:

'THE ENQUIRER' LATELY?

WE LIVE IN A VERY

STRANGE WORLD."

WELL, WHEN

"THE ENQUIRER"

BECOMES YOUR STANDARD

FOR LIVING,

YOU'RE IN A LO OF TROUBLE.

WHEN I TOLD:

MY GRANDMOTHER:

ABOUT MY MOM'S IDEA,

SHE SAID,

"WELL, THAT'S NO RIGHT."

THE VOICE OF REASON,

RIGHT?

MY GRANDMA MAXINE--

SHE WAS FROM:

EL PASO, TEXAS.

MY MOTHER'S

WHOLE CLAN:

WAS FROM TEXAS:

AND ALL AROUND THERE.

AND MY FATHER'S PEOPLE

WERE FROM SOUTH PHILLY,

IN THAT AREA.

SO BASICALLY:

WE'RE WHITE TRASH.

WELL, BECAUSE OF

THE CELEBRITY FACTOR THOUGH,

I LIKE TO THINK OF US

AS BLUE-BLOODED WHITE TRASH,

YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY, I BRING UP

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes