Wishful Drinking Page #4

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MY GRANDMOTHER:

BECAUSE WHEN MY MOTHER

WAS ABOUT SEVEN,

MY GRANDMOTHER LOCKED HER

IN THE CLOSET.

SO AFTER MY MOM:

HAD BEEN IN THE CLOSE ABOUT AN HOUR,

SHE ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER

FOR A GLASS OF WATER.

AND MY GRANDMOTHER

NATURALLY SAID, "WHY?"

AND MY MOTHER SAID,

"BECAUSE I'VE SPI ALL OVER YOUR DRESSES

AND NOW I'VE RUN OU OF SPI AND I WANT TO SPI ALL OVER YOUR SHOES."

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE

I HAIL FROM, OKAY?

MY MOTHER AND I--

ULTIMATELY WE DIDN' GO FORWARD

WITH THE PLAN FOR ME

TO HAVE RICHARD'S BABY.

YEAH, AND I KNOW

IT'S PROBABLY BES WE DIDN'T.

WELL, I MEAN,

ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS--

MY SISTER,

MY DAUGHTER,

MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER--

OW--

MY MOTHER ENDED UP

HATING RICHARD.

AND SHE HAD A REALLY

REALLY GOOD REASON.

THIS MAN--

HE BROKE:

HER PENSION PLAN.

OW.

THAT'S HARD TO DO.

AND HE TOOK:

ALL THE MONEY SHE'D MADE

SINCE HARRY TOOK

THE FIRST BATCH.

SO SHE SAYS TO ME

AT THIS POINT,

"YOU KNOW, DEAR,

EDDIE'S STARTING TO LOOK

LIKE THE GOOD HUSBAND."

"EDDIE THE GOOD HUSBAND"

BY ANTON CHEKHOV.

WHAT CAN YOU:

REALLY SAY:

ABOUT MY FATHER?

I'M ASKING YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU CAN SAY,

BUT HERE'S

WHAT I CAN SAY.

MY FATHER--

HE IS UNBELIEVABLY

CHARMING.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,

YOU WOULD LOVE HIM.

HE'S ADORABLE.

I MEAN, THERE IS A REASON

THAT HE WAS ABLE TO SCORE

ALL THA UNBELIEVABLE P*SSY--

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I MEAN,

AND GET ALL THOSE

FANTASTIC WOMEN:

TO MARRY HIM.

Eddie Fisher:

IF I LOVED YOU:

TIME AND AGAIN...

MY FATHER IS 81

AND HE SMOKES:

FIVE JOINTS A DAY,

FOR MEDICINAL:

PURPOSES, OF COURSE.

SO WE CALL HIM:

PUFF DADDY.

UM...

( applause )

NO, THE GREAT THING

ABOUT THAT IS--

WE DID THIS SHOW NEAR TO

WHERE MY DAD LIVES.

SO HE CAME:

TO THE OPENING NIGH AND HE BROUGH HIS DEALER.

WHICH WAS FANTASTIC,

YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE YOU REALLY

WANT THE DEALER'S

POINT OF VIEW:

ON ANY WORK YOU DO.

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.

ACTUALLY:

A FEW MONTHS BACK

I SENT MY FATHER

A COUPLE A STRIPPERS,

AS ONE DOES.

AND HE WAS:

UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL.

HE CALLED ME:

AND HE SAID,

"BABY, I WILL DO

ANYTHING YOU SAY.

I MEAN, YOU SAY,

'RUN,'

AND I SAY,

'HOW HIGH?'"

NOW...

ANYWAY,

A FEW YEARS BACK

BILLIE AND I WEN TO SAN FRANCISCO

TO VISIT MY--

WHERE HE LIVES,

'CAUSE THERE IS A REALLY

BIG CHINATOWN THERE.

THERE IS.

AND THE DAY BEFORE,

MY FATHER--

HE'D GOTTEN THESE

LITTLE HEARING AIDS.

YOU KNOW THOSE:

TEENY TINY ONES?

THEY FIT RIGH IN YOUR EARS, RIGHT?

THEY'RE SUPER EXPENSIVE.

WELL, MY DAD--

HE'D GOTTEN THEM

THE DAY BEFORE, RIGHT?

SO THE NIGHT BEFORE

HE DIDN'T WAN TO LOSE THEM

OR FORGE WHERE THEY WERE,

SO HE PUT THEM:

IN HIS PILLBOX:

NEXT TO HIS BED:

SO THAT HE WOULD REME--

( laughter )

YES, IN THE MORNING

HE ATE THEM.

SO WHENEVER HE COULDN' HEAR BILLIE OR MYSELF,

WE'D YELL INTO HIS STOMACH

OR HIS ASS.

I WISH:

I WAS KIDDING.

SUBSEQUENTLY HE GO THE HEARING AIDS AGAIN

AND I DID HAVE:

THE OPPORTUNITY:

TO SEE THEM.

THEY ARE SIZE:

OF A LIMA BEAN--

A RUBBER LIMA BEAN

WITH AN ANTENNA.

NOW LOOK,

I ADORE PILLS.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,

HUGE FAN.

BUT THESE WERE TRULY

LIKE NONE:

I HAD EVER SEEN.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE LIKE

IN THE MORNING.

WELL, I KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, BUT...

I AM NOT THAT SHARP,

BUT I THINK:

I WOULD KNOW:

IF I WERE EATING

A RUBBER LIMA BEAN

WITH AN ANTENNA:

TWICE.

WELL, IF YOU HAVE

A LIFE LIKE MINE--

AND I KNOW:

SOME OF YOU DO,

'CAUSE I RECOGNIZE YOU

FROM MY GROUP,

YES--

THEN THESE THINGS--

THEY GRADUALLY ACCUMULATE

UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN

AS A SURVIVOR.

IT'S A TERM

I REALLY DON'T--

I DON'T LIKE IT,

YOU KNOW, REALLY.

BUT THE THING IS,

WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR--

WHICH, OKAY, WHATEVER.

I, YOU KNOW,

RELUCTANTLY AGREE

THAT I AM,

AND WHO HERE:

OVER 40 ISN'T?

BUT WHEN YOU ARE

A SURVIVOR,

IN ORDER TO BE:

A REALLY GOOD ONE,

YOU HAVE TO KEEP

GETTING IN TROUBLE

TO SHOW OFF YOUR GIFT.

NOW MY MOTHER SAYS,

"WELL, DEAR,

WHAT ARE THE CHOICES?

NOT SURVIVING?"

MY MOTHER,

WHO INCIDENTALLY LIVES

NEXT DOOR TO ME--

THAT'S NOT FUNNY--

SHE CALLS ME TO THIS DAY

AND SAYS,

"HELLO, DEAR.

THIS IS YOUR MOTHER

DEBBIE."

HEY, IT COULD BE

MY MOTHER VLADIMIR.

YOU NEVER EVER KNOW.

I HAD BEEN SINGING

IN MY MOTHER'S NIGHTCLUB AC SINCE I WAS ABOUT 13,

YOU KNOW,

LIKE MOST TEENAGERS.

AND I CONTINUED:

TO PERFORM WITH HER

TILL I WAS 17.

DON'T BE NERVOUS.

IT'S JUST ALL SHOW BUSINESS.

THAT'S ALL.

WOULD YOU SING:

MY FAVORITE FOR ME

FOR JULIE AND JERRY?

DON'T SAY NO.

JUST SING RIGHT OUT.

AND THE LAST PLACE

THAT WE PLAYED TOGETHER

WAS THE LONDON PALLADIUM.

AND I GO PRETTY GOOD REVIEWS.

SO THIS CHOREOGRAPHER GUY

RON SOMETHING--

ANYWAY, HE CALLS ME

AND HE ASKS ME:

IF I WANT TO DO:

MY OWN NIGHTCLUB ACT.

MY MOTHER--

MY MOTHER THOUGH THIS WAS TRULY

A LOUSY IDEA.

SHE THOUGHT INSTEAD

THAT I SHOULD GO

TO DRAMA COLLEGE

IN ENGLAND:

BECAUSE IT WOULD

BRING RESPECTABILITY

TO THE FAMILY.

LIKE WE WERE A BUNCH

OF HOOKERS, YOU KNOW,

AND DRAMA COLLEGE

IN ENGLAND:

IS THE ONLY WAY:

TO ERADICATE A TAIN LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY,

SO NOW IT'S 1973

AND I'M 17

AND I'M ENROLLED

IN THE CENTRAL SCHOOL

OF SPEECH AND DRAMA

IN LONDON.

AND, YOU KNOW,

LIKE I SAID,

AT FIRST I JUST--

I REALLY DID NO WANT TO GO.

BUT ONCE I GOT THERE,

IT WAS TRULY:

SOME OF THE BEST TIMES

OF MY LIFE.

I MEAN, IT WAS THE ONLY

UNEXAMINED PAR OF MY LIFE

WHERE I WAS JUST A STUDEN AMONG STUDENTS,

GOING TO VOICE:

AND MOVEMENT CLASS

AND LEARNING:

WEIRD LITTLE:

TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE--

"ALL I WANT IS A PROPER

CUP OF COFFEE:

MADE IN A PROPER

COPPER COFFEE POT.

YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

BUT I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE

IN A PROPER COFFEE POT.

TIN COFFEE POTS:

AND IRON COFFEE POTS--

THEY'RE NO USE TO ME.

IF I CAN'T HAVE

A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE

IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,

- I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA."

- ( applause )

NOW--

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IF YOU ENJOYED:

MY PERFORMANCE:

AS PRINCESS LEIA--

AND WHO COULD RESIS MY STUNNING,

LAYERED, MOVING,

NOT-UNLIKE-MARY-POPPINS

PERFORMANCE?

--THEN IT IS

THANKS TO TONGUE TWISTERS

LIKE THAT.

CONSIDER:

"YOU'LL NEVER GE THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS

PAST THAT BLOCKADE,

PROPER COPPER:

COFFEE POT."

OR:

"WHY, YOU STUCK-UP,

HALF-WITTED,

SCRUFFY-LOOKING

NERF HERDER.

PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,

I'D LIKE A CUP OF TEA."

IT'S DIALOGUE FROM

THE "STAR WARS" FILM.

AND DON'T FORGET,

I HAD THAT WEIRD LITTLE

THAT CAME AND WEN LIKE WEATHER OR BLOA ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE.

GOVERNOR TARKIN,

I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED

TO FIND YOU HOLDING

VADER'S LEASH.

I RECOGNIZED YOUR FOUL STENCH

WHEN I WAS BROUGHT ONBOARD.

( laughter )

( applause )

AND ALL MY FRIENDS

MADE FUN OF ME:

BECAUSE THEY SAID

THAT THE TITLE:

OF THE FILM:

SOUNDED LIKE A FIGH BETWEEN MY

ORIGINAL PARENTS--

"STAR WARS."

( monitors bleeping )

( applause )

WELL, I-- YOU KNOW.

WELL, BUT HERE'S

THE THING--

AS YOU AGE,

IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

IT'S REALLY

UNAVOIDABLE.

( chuckles )

GEORGE LUCAS:

RUINED MY LIFE.

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