Wishful Drinking Page #5

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I MEAN THAT IN THE NICES POSSIBLE WAY.

AND NOW PEOPLE ARE

STILL ASKING ME:

IF I KNEW "STAR WARS"

WAS GONNA BE:

THAT BIG OF A HIT.

YES.

I KNEW.

WE ALL KNEW.

THE ONLY ONE:

WHO DIDN'T KNOW

WAS GEORGE LUCAS.

WE KEPT IT FROM HIM

'CAUSE WE WANTED TO SEE

WHAT HIS FACE:

LOOKED LIKE:

WHEN IT CHANGED:

EXPRESSION.

AND THE MAN FOOLED US

EVEN THEN.

HE GOT I.L.M.

TO CHANGE HIS FACIAL

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM

AND T.H.X. SOUND

TO MAKE THE NOISE

OF A FACE:

CHANGING EXPRESSIONS.

NOW NOT ONLY:

WAS THIS MAN:

VIRTUALLY EXPRESSIONLESS

IN THOSE DAYS,

BUT HE ALSO--

HE HARDLY TALKED AT ALL.

WHEN I GO THIS JOB,

THEY TOLD ME THAT I HAD

TO LOSE 10 LBS.

WELL, I WEIGHED ABOU 105 AT THE TIME.

WELL, NO,

BUT TO BE FAIR NOW,

I CARRIED ABOU 50 OF THOSE POUNDS

IN MY FACE.

SO YOU KNOW:

WHAT A GOOD IDEA

WOULD BE THOUGH?

GIVE ME:

A HAIRSTYLE:

THAT FURTHER WIDENS

MY ALREADY:

WIDE FACE.

BUT GEORGE LUCAS--

YOU KNOW,

I MEAN, THE MA--

HE IS A VISIONARY,

RIGHT?

I MEAN,

HE HAS TRANSPORTED

AUDIENCES:

THE WORLD OVER:

AND HE'S PROVIDED

MARK AND HARRISON

AND MYSELF:

WITH ENOUGH FAN MAIL

AND EVEN A SMALL,

MERRY BAND OF STALKERS,

KEEPING US ENTERTAINED

FOR THE REST OF OUR

UNNATURAL LIVES.

NO, MY FAVORITE

FAN STORY:

ACTUALLY HAPPENED

LAST YEAR.

WE WERE DOING:

THE SHOW IN SANTA FE.

AND SO I GO INTO THIS

ROCK SHOP ONE DAY,

AS ONE DOES,

AND THE GUY:

BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES,

"AREN'T YOU--?"

AND I'M-- "YEAH."

HE SAID,

"I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU

EVERY DAY:

FROM WHEN I WAS 12

TO WHEN I WAS 22."

AND I SAID,

"EVERY DAY?"

AND HE SAID,

"WELL, FOUR TIMES A DAY."

( audience exclaiming,

laughing )

WHAT AM I:

SUPPOSED TO SAY?

"THANK YOU."

BUT NOW DON'T FORGET,

GEORGE LUCAS--

HE WAS THE MAN WHO MADE ME

INTO A LITTLE DOLL--

A LITTLE DOLL:

THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND

COULD STICK:

PINS INTO:

WHEN HE WAS:

ANNOYED WITH ME.

THEN I WAS:

A SHAMPOO:

WHERE YOU COULD:

TWIST OFF MY HEAD

AND POUR LIQUID:

OUT OF MY NECK.

AND I WAS A SOAP--

A SOAP WHICH READ:

"LATHER UP

WITH LEIA:

AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE

A PRINCESS YOURSELF,

BOYS."

AND, OH,

I'M A STAMP.

NOW THAT'S

REALLY COOL--

I MEAN, WELL,

ASIDE FROM THE LICKING.

BUT, OH WAIT,

DO YOU KNOW THE--

YOU KNOW THOSE:

MR. POTATO HEAD THINGS,

RIGHT?

WELL, THEY ACTUALLY--

THEY MADE:

A STAR WARS:

MR. POTATO HEAD LINE,

SO YOU MIGH RECOGNIZE ME

AS PRINCESS TATER

AND MY HUSBAND DICK

AND OUR DAUGHTER

REHABILA TATER.

BUT THE MAIN THING--

THE MAIN MAIN THING

THAT I'VE BEEN MADE INTO,

WHICH HAS JUST--

IT'S ENHANCED MY LIFE

JUST ENORMOUSLY--

I'M A PEZ DISPENSER.

NO, I AM.

I AM.

SERIOUSLY.

NO.

AND IF SOMEONE:

OFFERS:

TO MAKE YOU:

INTO A PEZ DISPENSER,

DO IT!

BECAUSE IT JUST--

IT MAKES YOUR WHOLE

LIFE BETTER.

I MEAN, REALLY,

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN

MERCHANDISED:

FOR THE LAS 30-PLUS YEARS,

YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.

IF ONLY:

IT WERE AEROBIC.

NOW AMONG GEORGE'S

MANY POSSESSIONS,

THE MAN OWNS:

MY LIKENESS.

SO EVERY TIME:

I LOOK IN A MIRROR

I HAVE TO SEND HIM

A COUPLE OF BUCKS.

YOU KNOW, THEY--

I SAW THIS OTHER

LEIA FIGURINE RECENTLY

AT, YOU KNOW,

ONE OF THOSE:

COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS,

RIGHT?

WHICH, YES, I GO TO

WHEN I'M LONELY.

ANYWAY, SO THIS

PARTICULAR FIGURINE--

IT'S ON A TURNSTILE,

RIGHT?

SO WHEN IT GETS:

TO A PARTICULAR--

OH, VISUAL AIDS.

WHEN IT GETS:

TO A PARTICULAR PLACE

ON A TURNSTILE,

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE

UP MY DRESS:

TO MY ANATOMICALLY

CORRECT,

THOUGH SHAVED,

GALAXY SNATCH.

I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK

BY THIS, YOU KNOW?

SO I CALLED GEORGE

AND I SAID,

"YOU KNOW,

OWNING MY LIKENESS

DOES NOT INCLUDE

OWNING MY:

LAGOON OF MYSTERY."

OH, AND DO YOU REMEMBER

THAT WHITE DRESS I WORE

ALL THROUGH:

THE FIRST FILM?

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU DIDN' SEE "STAR WARS,"

IN WHICH CASE,

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

SO THEY PU THE DRESS ON ME

THE FIRST DAY.

THEY BRING ME:

TO GEORGE.

TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME

AND HE SAYS,

"YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA

UNDERNEATH THAT DRESS."

SO I SAY, "WHY?"

HE SAYS, "BECAUSE

THERE'S NO UNDERWEAR

IN SPACE."

I SWEAR TO GOD,

I PROMISE YOU:

THAT HE SAID THIS.

AND THE MAN SAID I WITH SUCH CONVICTION TOO,

YOU KNOW,

LIKE HE'D ACTUALLY

BEEN TO SPACE,

LOOKED AROU--

DIDN'T SEE ANY BRAS

OR PANTIES OR BRIEFS.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

CLEARLY NOW--

CLEARLY THEY HAVE GONE

AS FAR AS THEY CAN GO

WITH THIS WHOLE:

DOLL THING, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY

GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW,

COME UP WITH, LIKE,

A LIFE-SIZE LEIA, YOU KNOW,

STEPFORD LEIA:

TO RENDER ME OBSOLETE?

YOU'D GO

TO HER SHOW.

SO, I MEAN,

AT LEAST THEY HAVE NO DONE THAT YET.

AND THANK GOD.

THANK GOD THEY HAVE NO COME UP

WITH A LEIA SEX DOLL,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE

REALLY HUMILIATING.

I MEAN, THANK GOD

THEY HAVE NOT COME UP

WITH A LIFE-SIZE

LEIA SEX DOLL:

THAT THEY CHARGE

$800 FOR

THAT YOU COULD PU IN YOUR CORNFIELD

TO CHASE AWAY CROWS.

OH.

OH LOOK.

THEY HAVE.

ALL RIGHT,

NOW, YOU KNOW,

OBVIOUSLY I DID KNOW

ABOUT THIS.

AND IT ACTUALLY--

YOU KNOW, IT HAS ITS USES.

BECAUSE IF EVER ANYONE

FROM THE AUDIENCE

SCREAMS OUT,

"GO F*** YOURSELF,

CARRIE"...

I CAN GIVE IT A WHIRL.

SOMEBODY HAS:

TO SAVE OUR SKINS.

Younger Carrie:

I WAS THE PRIZE PRINCESS.

I SWEAR,

BY THE TIME I'M 30

I'LL GET THOSE BRAIDS

OFF MY HEAD SOMEHOW.

Man:

T-MINUS FIVE,

FOUR, THREE,

TWO, ONE.

Photographers:

CARRIE! CARRIE!

Carrie:

I WANT IT TO STOP.

RECENTLY:

I GOOGLED MYSELF

WITHOUT A LUBRICANT.

AND--

WHICH I DO NO RECOMMEND, OKAY?

AND I CAME ACROSS

THIS POSTING:

THAT SOMEBODY MADE

ABOUT ME.

AND IT SAID,

"WHATEVER HAP--?"

WELL,

"W-T-F HAPPENED

TO CARRIE FISHER?

SHE USED TO BE:

SO HOT.

NOW SHE LOOKS:

LIKE ELTON JOHN."

WELL, YOU KNOW,

THIS HURT ALL SEVEN

OF MY FEELINGS,

PARTLY BECAUSE I KNEW

WHAT HE MEANT.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

THE THING IS:

I WAS HO WHEN MOST PEOPLE

ARE HOT, YOU KNOW--

LIKE IN THEIR:

20s AND 30s.

I DID NOT REALIZE

THAT WHEN I DONNED THA FRICKING METAL BIKINI

BACK WHEN I WAS 23,

THAT I HAD MADE:

AN INVISIBLE CONTRAC TO STAY LOOKING

THE EXACT SAME WAY

FOR THE NEX 30 TO 40 YEARS.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY

I'VE BETRAYED THE CONTRACT.

OVER THE PAS COUPLE YEARS ACTUALLY

I HAVE BEEN HAVING

A SERIES:

OF E.C.T. TREATMENTS.

DOES ANYONE KNOW

WHAT THAT IS?

'CAUSE THEY WOULDN' TELL ME.

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT?

Man:

ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY.

( laughs )

ELECTROSHOCK TH--

WHY WOULD THEY GIVE

THAT TO ME?

THAT'S JUST--

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU SEE "ONE FLEW

OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"?

WASN'T I FANTASTIC?

NO, IT IS NO LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

IT ISN'T, REALLY.

I MEAN, NOW IT'S REALLY FUN.

AND I TOTALLY:

RECOMMEND IT.

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S,

LIKE, AN OVERCAST DAY,

NO NEW MOVIES OUT,

DO IT!

SERIOUSLY, I MEAN,

IT TAKES AWAY:

EVERY VESTIGE:

OF DEPRESSION.

IT GETS YOU TOTALLY

OFF YOUR BACK.

HERE'S--

THE OTHER THING IS

THERE'S NO CONVULSIONS

ANYMORE.

THEY GIVE YOU:

THIS MEDICATION.

PROBABLY THEY COULD

CALL IT E.T.

BUT THAT WOULD BE

REALLY SILLY, WOULDN'T IT?

BECAUSE THEN:

IF I SAID:

I HAD E.T.

EARLIER IN THE WEEK,

YOU'D THINK I F***ED

AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL--

ESPECIALLY ME.

UH, NO, BUT--

THE THING IS THOUGH,

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