Wishful Drinking Page #6

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LIKE I SAID,

IT IS-- REALLY,

IT IS FANTASTIC.

HOWEVER, THERE IS A TINY

TINY LITTLE DOWNSIDE.

ALONG WITH:

THE DEPRESSION,

IT TAKES A TEENY

DOGGY BAG:

OF ABOUT FOUR MONTHS

OF MEMORY.

WORTH IT!

WHAT IS GONNA:

HAPPEN TO ME:

IN ONE FOUR MONTHS

AT MY AGE:

THAT CAN'T HAPPEN

IN ANOTHER FOUR?

NOW I TELL YOU THIS

BECAUSE:

IF AT ANY POIN DURING THE UPCOMING

FESTIVITIES:

I DRAW A BLANK--

WHICH IS A CONTRADICTION

IN TERMS, BY THE WAY,

IF YOU THINK:

ABOUT IT--

THEN, YOU KNOW,

FORGIVE ME:

OR DON'T FORGIVE ME.

BUT AT LEAS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

WHAT'S HAPPENING.

WHICH IS MORE THAN

I CAN FREQUENTLY SAY.

OKAY, WE'VE GOTTEN

THROUGH ALL THAT.

ALL RIGHT, SO NOW

EVERY SO OFTEN:

YOU MEE A MAGIC PERSON.

AND THAT'S REALLY--

THAT IS HOW I FEL WHEN I MET PAUL.

I'M SITTING

IN THE RAILWAY STATION

GOT A TICKE FOR MY DESTINATION...

WE HAD:

THE SECRET HANDSHAKE

OF SHARED SENSIBILITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, WE UNDERSTOOD

EACH OTHER PERFECTLY.

YOU KNOW,

PAUL AND I--

WE WERE ACTUALLY

TOGETHER OVER 12 YEARS--

WELL, OFF AND ON.

AND SO, YOU KNOW,

WE TRAVELED A LOT TOGETHER,

AND HE DID HIS:

SIMON AND GARFUNKELING

AND STUFF.

AND PAUL--

HE WROTE AN ALBUM

BASED ON:

SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC.

AND THAT ALBUM WAS CALLED

"THE RHYTHM OF THE SAINTS."

AND ON I WAS THE LAST SONG

THAT PAUL EVER WROTE

ABOUT ME.

NOW IF YOU CAN:

GET PAUL:

TO WRITE A SONG:

ABOUT YOU,

DO IT!

BECAUSE HE IS:

SO SO GOOD AT IT.

BUT THIS SONG WAS CALLED

"SHE MOVES ON"--

IRONIC TITLE.

AND SO THERE'S

THIS LYRIC IN I THAT I WANTED

TO SHARE WITH YOU,

'CAUSE I'M FEELING

KIND OF A CLOSENESS NOW,

YOU KNOW?

AND THAT LYRIC IS--

"I'M AFRAID

THAT I'LL BE TAKEN,

ABANDONED AND FORSAKEN

IN HER COLD:

COFFEE EYES."

YEAH.

I'M A B*TCH.

NO, BUT NO, WAIT.

HE WROTE ANOTHER SONG

ABOUT ME.

AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED

"ALLERGIES."

AND THE LYRIC:

IN THAT WAS--

"MY HEART IS ALLERGIC

TO THE WOMAN I LOVE,

AND IT'S CHANGING

THE SHAPE OF MY FACE."

IS THAT FLATTERING?

NO, I DON'T THINK

IT IS EITHER.

BUT MY FAVORITE ALBUM

OF HIS THOUGH:

IS THIS ALBUM:

THAT'S CALLED

"HEARTS AND BONES."

AND THE TITLE SONG--

( "Hearts and Bones" playing )

WELL, IT ACT--

IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THIS,

BUT THIS:

COULDN'T BE IT,

'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GE PERMISSION TO USE IT.

SO THAT WOULD BE BAD,

WOULDN'T IT?

OH, IT WOULD NO BE BAD

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I NEVER TOOK ANY ALIMONY

FROM PAUL.

SO THINK OF I THIS WAY--

YOU'RE LISTENING

TO MY ALIMONY.

AND LOVELY ALIMONY

IT IS.

OH, WE GOT PERMISSION.

ANYWAY, THE LYRIC IS,

"ONE AND ONE HALF

WANDERING JEWS--"

- ONE AND ONE-HALF

WANDERING JEWS...

- I'M THE HALF, FROM EDDIE.

- RETURNED TO THEIR

NATURAL COASTS:

- WEST IS MY NATURAL--

TO RESUME OLD ACQUAINTANCES

AND STEP OUT OCCASIONALLY

AND SPECULATE WHO HAD BEEN

DAMAGED THE MOST...

WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED

THE MOST.

GUESS WHO WON:

THAT CONTEST!

NOW I MARRIED PAUL

WHEN I WAS 26.

AND WE GOT DIVORCED

WHEN I WAS 28.

AND AT 29

I WENT INTO REHAB.

NOW OBVIOUSLY NO BECAUSE I NEEDED I BUT BECAUSE--

WELL, I WAS DOING

RESEARCH FOR MY NOVEL

"POSTCARDS FROM

THE EDGE"

AND I NEEDED TO MEE SOME REAL ADDICTS

AND ALCOHOLICS,

YOU KNOW,

FOR, LIKE, THE VERACITY

OF THE NOVEL.

OKAY, FINE.

YES, I AM AN ADDICT.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY

RELIGION IS THE OPIATE

OF THE MASSES?

WELL, I TOOK MASSES

OF OPIATES RELIGIOUSLY.

NOW I WANTED:

TO WRITE A BOOK.

AND I KNEW WHAT THE FIRS LINE WOULD BE:

"MAYBE I SHOULDN' HAVE GIVEN

THE GUY WHO PUMPED

MY STOMACH:

MY PHONE NUMBER,

BUT HE'LL PROBABLY

NEVER CALL ME ANYWAY."

AND THIS ACTUALLY WAS

BASED ON A TRUE THING.

SUZANNE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH!

( moans )

'CAUSE, SEE, THE DOCTOR

THAT PUMPED MY STOMACH

SENT ME FLOWERS:

WITH A NOTE:

WHICH READ:

"I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE

A VERY WARM:

AND SENSITIVE PERSON."

THEY'RE FROM THE GUY

WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH.

I WROTE:

"POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE,"

THE BOOK, THE NOVEL,

WHEN I WAS, LIKE,

28 OR 29 IN LOS ANGELES.

THEN I GOT BACK TOGETHER

WITH PAUL AGAIN.

SO I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY

OF "POSTCARDS" IN NEW YORK.

THEN THEY START FILMING

THE MOVIE IN L.A.

WITH MERYL STREEP

AND SHIRLEY MacLAINE.

I WANT TO BE:

ON THAT SET, RIGHT?

SO I START TRAVELING

OUT TO L.A.

FROM NEW YORK A LOT.

AND THIS WAS:

REALLY BAD:

FOR MY RELATIONSHIP

WITH PAUL.

I MEAN, THINGS WERE

GETTING WORSE:

FASTER THAN WE COULD

LOWER OUR STANDARDS.

I--

PRETTY SOON WE DID KNOW

THAT IT WAS OVER.

MIKE NICHOLS ACTUALLY

USED TO SAY ABOUT US

THAT WE WERE TWO FLOWERS,

NO GARDENER.

NO ONE WAS MINDING

THE RELATIONSHIP.

SO ONE OF:

THE LAST TIMES:

I WAS FLYING BACK OU TO L.A. AGAIN, RIGHT?

AND SO PAUL AND I

HAD BEEN FIGHTING

ALL MORNING.

HE DRIVES ME:

TO THE AIRPOR TO GET RID OF ME

FASTER.

AND I'M ABOUT TO GE ON THE PLANE, RIGHT?

SO I TURN TO HIM

AND I SAY,

"YOU'LL FEEL BAD

IF I CRASH."

AND HE SAID,

"MAYBE NOT."

( laughs )

SO...

PAUL AND I WEN OUR RESPECTIVE WAYS.

AND HE WENT ON:

TO MARRY SOMEONE

YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF--

EDIE BRICKELL:

FROM THE SOUTH.

SO, NOT TO BE

OUTDONE,

I MARRIED SOMEONE

YOUNGER THAN MYSELF--

BRYAN LOURD,

ALSO FROM THE SOUTH.

NOW...

THE DIFFERENCE:

BETWEEN OUR CHOICES--

MY CHOICE:

FORGOT TO TELL ME

THAT HE WAS GAY.

WELL, HE FORGO TO TELL ME

AND I FORGO TO NOTICE.

REALLY, THOUGH

LATER ON BRYAN--

HE DID--

HE EXPLAINED TO ME

THAT I HAD:

TURNED HIM GAY:

BY TAKING:

CODEINE AGAIN.

AND I SAID,

"YOU KNOW,

I NEVER READ:

THAT WARNING:

ON THE LABEL.

I THOUGHT IT SAID

'HEAVY MACHINERY,'

NOT 'HOMOSEXUALITY.'

I COULD HAVE BEEN

DRIVING:

THOSE TRACTORS:

ALL ALONG."

TURNING PEOPLE GAY

THOUGH--

IT IS KIND OF:

A SUPERPOWER OF MINE.

ADMITTEDLY NO, IT IS NO CALLED UPON A LOT.

BUT WHEN IT IS,

I PICK UP:

MY PINK PHONE,

I PUT ON MY:

RAINBOW-COLORED CAPE,

AND I'M THERE

LIKE A SHOT.

NOW, YOU KNOW,

I WAS PROBABLY REBOUNDING

FROM PAUL A LITTLE BI WHEN I MET BRYAN

A WEEK LATER.

BUT BRYAN THOUGH--

BRYAN, HE WAS REALLY

REALLY HANDSOME.

WELL, HE STILL IS.

HE IS.

LOOK, THAT'S WHA HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.

WHEN I MET HIM:

HE HAD HAIR.

I DO THAT TOO.

I MAKE THEM BALD,

I TURN THEM GAY--

MY WORK IS DONE.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

WHEN I FIRS MET BRYAN,

HE TOOK REALLY:

GOOD CARE OF ME.

HE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE

OF ME THAT I THOUGHT,

"YOU KNOW,

THIS GUY WILL MAKE

A GOOD FATHER."

AND HE DID.

SO, YOU KNOW,

FEARING NOW:

THAT EVERYTHING:

WOULD BE ALL RIGHT,

NINE MONTHS LATER

MY DAUGHTER WAS DRAGGED

FROM MY BODY:

AS THOUGH IT WERE

A BURNING BUILDING.

AND ONCE THIS WELL-FED,

ROUND CREATURE:

WAS RESCUED FROM

THE RUBBLE OF ME,

I SENT OU BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS

WHICH READ:

"SOMEONE SUMMERED

IN MY STOMACH,

SOMEONE'S FALLEN

THROUGH MY LEGS.

TO MAKE:

AN INFANT OMELET,

SIMPLY SCRAMBLE:

SPERM AND EGGS."

THANK YOU.

WE NAMED OUR ADORABLE

LITTLE OMELET BILLIE--

BILLIE CATHERINE.

SO, YOU KNOW,

A YEAR LATER,

WHEN BRYAN LEFT ME

FOR SCOTT,

WHO BECAME THE MAN

THAT GOT THE MAN

THAT GOT AWAY,

ALL OF MY FRIENDS

TALKED TO ME:

LIKE THEIR HAIR WAS

HEAVIER ON ONE SIDE.

YOU KNOW:

WHAT I MEAN?

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

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