Wishful Drinking Page #7

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ARE YOU OKAY?

BUT MY MOTHER:

THOUGH--

MY MOTHER WAS--

SHE WAS AWESOME TO ME

DURING THIS TIME.

SHE REALLY WAS.

I MEAN, MY MOTHER--

WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE'S

LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.

BUT-- NO, BUT SHE SAID

THIS FANTASTIC THING.

SHE SAID,

"YOU KNOW, DEAR,

WE'VE HAD ALL SORTS OF MEN

IN OUR FAMILY.

WE'VE HAD

HORSE THIEVES:

AND ONE-MAN BANDS

AND ALCOHOLICS.

BUT THIS IS:

OUR FIRST HOMOSEXUAL."

NOW, YOU KNOW,

HAVING REALLY ABSOLUTELY

NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER

TO DO WITH BRYAN,

ABOUT--

ABOUT A YEAR:

AFTER THIS:

I WAS INVITED:

TO GO TO A MENTAL

HOSPITAL.

AND--

WELL, YOU DON'T WAN TO BE RUDE, RIGHT?

SO YOU GO.

WELL, WAIT A--

WAIT A SECOND NOW.

IT'S A REALLY REALLY

EXCLUSIVE INVITATION.

I MEAN,

HOW MANY OF YOU:

HAVE BEEN INVITED

TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL?

I'M ASKING YOU

FOR REAL.

ONE HUMAN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- JIMMY.

- JIMMY.

I TOLD YOU THOUGH,

IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE--

JUST JIMMY:

AND MYSELF.

OH.

MY MOTHER WANTS:

YOU ALL TO KNOW:

THIS COMES:

FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE

OF THE FAMILY.

SHE IS AS NORMAL

AS THE DAY IS LONG.

NOW MY DIAGNOSIS--

I KNOW:

THIS WILL STUN YOU--

WAS MANIC DEPRESSION.

I THINK NOW THEY CALL I BIPOLAR, RIGHT?

SO YOU MIGHT SAY

I SWING BOTH WAYS.

OH, WAIT WAIT.

NOW THIS IS REALLY

GONNA IMPRESS YOU:

I AM ACTUALLY:

IN THE ABNORMAL:

PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK.

- COME ON, HOW COOL IS THAT?

- ( applause )

NO, WAIT WAIT WAI WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.

KEEP IN MIND,

I AM A PEZ DISPENSER

AND I'M IN THE ABNORMAL

PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK!

( applause )

WHO SAYS YOU CAN' HAVE IT ALL?

NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY

MY FAMILY'S SO PROUD,

BUT THE THING IS

I HEARD THAT I WAS

IN THIS TEXTBOOK

AND I HEARD I WAS

IN THERE WITH A PICTURE.

AND I THOUGHT,

"WHAT PICTURE?"

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE

ANYONE EVER PHONED

ME AND SAID,

"HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE

SNAPSHOT OF YOURSELF

LOOKING DEPRESSED

OR MANIC?"

YOU KNOW,

LIKE FROM THIS SHOW.

AND, YOU KNOW,

RATHER THAN DESCRIBE I TO YOU,

I SO BADLY WAN TO SHOW IT TO YOU.

( laughter )

NO, IT'S TRUE.

IT'S REAL.

SO I'M NOT CRAZY.

THAT B*TCH IS.

ANYONE THAT WOULD WEAR

A STUPID HAIRSTYLE

LIKE THA HAS TO BE NUTS.

NOW I HAVE:

TWO MOODS:

THAT I'VE NAMED

ROY AND PAM.

NOW ROY IS:

ROLLICKING ROY,

THE WILD RIDE:

OF A MOOD.

AND PAM--

PAM IS SEDIMENT PAM

WHO STANDS ON THE SHORE

AND SOBS.

ONE MOOD:

IS THE MEAL,

THE NEXT MOOD--

THE CHECK.

EVER SINCE MY:

FATEFUL ANNOUNCEMEN ON "DIANE SAWYER"

THAT I WAS MENTALLY ILL...

I WENT INTO:

THIS OTHER PLACE.

AND I WAS HALLUCINATING.

LIKE ANYONE NEEDED

TO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I COULD SEE:

CITIES OF THE--

FUTURISTIC CITIES

OUT THE WINDOW.

I MEAN,

DON'T YOU HATE I WHEN CELEBRITIES JUST--

BLAH BLAH BLAH--

TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES,

YOU KNOW...

IT WAS AS THOUGH

YOU COULD FEEL THE BACK

OF THE COOL OF THE MOOD

WITH YOUR HAND.

...TELL YOU EVERYTHING?

I MEAN,

WHO ASKED, RIGHT?

I JUST-- I FIND IT ALL

SO WEARYING.

ACTUALLY, THAT IS

MY POINT OF VIEW.

THAT'S WHY WHAT YOU'RE

WATCHING RIGHT NOW

IS ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF

BEHIND MY BACK.

NOW IF CARRIE--

IF CARRIE EVER:

FOUND OU THAT CARRIE FISHER

IS DOING:

A SOLIPSISTIC,

PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOW

LIKE THIS,

SHE WOULD BE:

SO HUMILIATED.

SO, PLEASE,

IF YOU RUN INTO HER,

( whispers )

DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

ANYWAY, HAVING WAITED

MY ENTIRE LIFE:

TO GET AN AWARD:

FOR SOMETHING--

YOU KNOW, ANYTHING.

I DON'T CARE.

OKAY FINE,

NOT ACTING.

WHAT ABOUT A TEENY ONE

FOR WRITING?

--I NOW GET AWARDS

ALL THE TIME:

FOR BEING:

MENTALLY ILL.

NO, REALLY.

I AM APPARENTLY:

VERY VERY GOOD AT I AND I GET HONORED

FOR IT REGULARLY.

MY DAUGHTER-- SHE TELLS ME

WHEN SHE GROWS UP

SHE WANTS TO EITHER BE

A SINGER OR A COMIC.

I SAID, "WELL, BABY,

IF YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC,

YOU GOTTA BE:

A WRITER.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

YOU HAVE GO TONS OF MATERIAL.

YOUR MOTHER IS:

A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE

DRUG ADDICT,

YOUR FATHER IS GAY,

YOUR GRANDMOTHER

TAP DANCES:

AND YOUR GRANDFATHER

EATS HEARING AIDS."

AND MY DAUGHTER:

LAUGHS AND LAUGHS

AND LAUGHS.

AND I SAID, "BABY,

THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW

THAT'S FUNNY

IS GONNA SAVE:

YOUR WHOLE LIFE."

YEAH.

LOCATION LOCATION

LOCATION.

NOW I HEARD SOMEONE

SAY RECENTLY:

THAT MANY OF US:

ONLY SEEM ABLE:

TO FIND HEAVEN:

BY BACKING AWAY:

FROM HELL.

AND, YOU KNOW,

WHILE THE PLACE:

I'VE ARRIVED A IN MY LIFE

ISN'T PRECISELY EVERYONE'S

IDEA OF HEAVENLY,

I COULD SWEAR:

SOMETIMES,

IF I'M QUIET ENOUGH...

I CAN HEAR:

THE ANGELS SING.

EITHER THA OR I F***ED UP

MY MEDICATION.

BUT--

( siren wailing )

SH*T, THERE'S MY RIDE.

BEFORE I GO THOUGH

I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU

SOME OF THE WISDOMS

THAT I HAVE ACQUIRED,

YOU KNOW,

FROM GOING THROUGH

ALL THIS SH*T, OKAY?

FIRST ONE--

RESENTMENT IS LIKE

DRINKING A POISON

AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER

PERSON TO DIE.

NOW SOME OF THE WISDOMS

THAT I HAVE:

I GOT FROM MY:

GRANDMOTHER--

MY MOTHER'S MOTHER,

THE CLOSET LOCKER--

WHO TAUGHT ME:

A FLY IS AS LIKELY

TO LAND ON SHI AS IT IS ON PIE.

THAT'S TRUE.

( laughs )

SHE ALSO SAID,

"CRY ALL YOU WANT.

YOU'LL PEE LESS."

( piano playing )

YOUR CARES:

AND TROUBLES:

ARE GONE:

THERE'LL BE NO MORE

FROM NOW ON:

FROM NOW ON:

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE AGAIN:

THE SKIES ABOVE...

( recording continues )

ARE CLEAR AGAIN:

SO LET'S SING

A SONG:

OF CHEER AGAIN:

HAPPY TIMES:

HAPPY NIGHTS:

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE:

AGAIN.

HAPPY TIMES:

HAPPY NIGHTS:

HAPPY DAYS:

ARE HERE:

AGAIN.

OKAY.

THERE.

BYE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THE DREAMS I DREAMED

HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY.

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