Witchcraft 16 - Hollywood Coven

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1

F***, why didn't we get

a motel room before, huh?

This is f***ing great.

Danielle was a lucky girl.

If I had you, I'd never

let you leave the bedroom.

What are you talking about?

You are Danielle.

Sorry stud, I'm Sharon.

You're a great f***, Nick.

But I don't like loose ends.

Cut!

Oh, my God, he's drenched.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is a wrap

on Crystal Force 15 Blood Angel.

Oh, my God, I'm never working

in ultra low budget again.

It's gonna take a Silkwood shower

to get all of this blood off of us.

Good job, Shelley.

Thanks.

Can you go get our celebratory

items from the craft services table?

Ooo, champagne.

Can you afford that on this budget?

I mean, seriously.

I'll do as many of these as you want.

I mean, I survived, so I get to be

in Crystal Force 16, right?

Well.

Dude, get up.

He said cut.

You said you needed

a ride to acting class.

And I have to go to my acting class.

So come on, get up, let's go.

What the f***!

The answer to your question, Shelley.

I don't think you're gonna

make it to the sequel.

Holy sh*t, is he dead!

Yes, Shelley, he's dead.

God, she's so intuitive.

Which is what makes you

such a great actress.

That was sarcasm by the way.

What is going on?

What do you have the cheese knife

from the craft services table?

Get off of me, you f***ing rapist.

What is going on here?

Do you know why Crystal Force

is such a successful horror franchise?

One of the most successful in history?

Strong scripts?

Hardly.

Good direction?

I'm flattered, but no.

High value on such a low budget.

Now, you just f***ing with me.

No, Shelley, the reason Crystal Force

is such a successful franchise is

because we practice what we preach.

So at the end of every film, which is

my favorite cast party,

we cut out your f***ing heart.

And deliver it to the Master,

who is also our executive producer.

He casts a spell on it and bam!

Direct to video gold.

You can't kill me.

My agent got me this gig.

She knows where I am.

And if I don't answer her

texts about auditions,

she's gonna know this is

the last job I ever worked.

God, she talks a lot.

Your agent, my dear,

is part of the coven.

And you didn't quite book

enough gigs this year.

Please, I'll join your coven.

I'll do anything you want.

That's a wrap.

So, should we have a friendly wager

on whether or not I'm gonna have

to save your ass from these witches

covens in the third film?

Actually, I'm kind of hoping

I get to be an evil witch this time.

So hopefully you'll be

saving someone else's ass from me.

I think I saved your ass from

a witches coven, twice,

Detective Gilmore,

aka worst detective ever.

I think I saved

both your assess in two movies.

So, simmer down Greg Andrews,

aka worst

warlock witch hunter ever.

I totally hope

I get killed again in this one.

Me too.

Killed again dance

And doing the killed again dance

I'd actually like to

live through one for once.

It's okay.

Hey, where's Shelley?

You guys remember her?

Didn't she play Danielle in Blood Angel?

Yeah, isn't she in this one two?

We sort of bonded on Blood Angel

but then I never saw her again,

very strange.

I've literally kept up with three people

I've met on set, over the past 10 years.

We just go our own ways.

Yeah, I know.

But I ran into almost all you guys

at auditions this last year.

She just sort of vanished.

Won't even answer her texts.

Maybe she just went home.

Plenty of people just give up and bail.

Maybe, it's just weird.

I'll tell you what's weird.

Check out the IMDB listings for almost

any actor in any Crystal Force movie.

And see how many listings

they have after that.

Like, a lot?

Like zero.

It's the Crystal Force curse.

You do one Crystal Force movie

and you're done.

Greta, what are you talking about?

We've all done more than one

Crystal Force film.

We did two, back to back, last summer.

And we're about to do a table read for 16.

I'm just saying,

from Crystal Force to Crystal Force 13,

almost all those actors have disappeared.

You stick around long enough,

you hear stories.

Then why are you here?

I didn't know about the curse

until after I started shooting 14.

When they asked me to do this one,

I thought, "Keep your friends close

"and your enemies closer."

I wonder what happened

to all those other actors?

Yeah, what do you think happened?

Do you think they actually

got killed in those films?

That's insane.

You're insane.

I'm just saying.

Everyone, settle down.

Your director extraordinaire,

Jamal is here.

Come on in, Jamal.

Give him a round of applause.

Come on in, Jamal.

Hey, Jamal.

I took care of it.

Hey, everybody.

Hey!

Sorry about that.

Welcome back to Crystal Force.

All right, so... congrats.

Crystal Force 14 and 15

did so well on VLD

and auxiliary revenue streams,

that the executive producer

wants to reboot the series.

- All right!

- All right!

And he wants to use, all of you.

- Yeah.

- High five.

High five.

So, what we have, I believe,

did you send out

the shooting scrips, obviously?

Anyone missing any?

Could I?

All right, so, what you have there

is Crystal Force 16 Freshman Year.

How about we just give it a read

and then we can talk about all

the pertinent production details.

Sorry, guys.

I love, I love, I love how,

I have your undivided attention.

Damn it, I'm so sorry,

it's a call back for a regular series.

It's a gig.

I wouldn't even ask but the producers

want to see me right now.

And it's really important.

Okay, all right, sure.

Just keep an eye on your email

for the shooting schedule.

- Okay, thanks Jamal.

- Hmm.

You guys have a good read.

I'll see you on the set.

- Good luck.

- Bye.

Anybody else?

Phone calls, emails.

- All right, shut your phone off please.

- Yeah.

All right, okay,

let's turn to page one.

Let's start at the top.

I'll read all the stage directions.

Crystal Force, origins by yours truly.

Producer, director, now screenwriter?

Is there anything this man can't do?

Bring a movie in under budget.

You know what?

Just for that,

I'm gonna kill your character

off first in the re-write.

All right, all right, back to business.

"Fade in, interior, suburban home.

"Day, Greg Andrews is putting

"the finishing touches on killing a witch,

"in a huge house,

in Orange County, California."

You want naughty nurse?

I'll give you naughty nurse.

Doctor, superhero, waitress, nurse.

Nice try, Pazuza.

If you're the most powerful

witch in the coven,

you're gonna have a lot of trouble

keeping the door open, guaranteed.

"Burn their bones.

"Then scatter the ashes

from here to Orange County.

"The remains of the coven

must be separated

"to prevent

the resurrection of the Master.

"But now that even the Master is gone,

"his apocalypse are legion.

"With your newfound powers

comes responsibility.

"You must ever be vigilant, because

"now you're Oxnard's first line of defense

"against the dark arts.

"Best of luck."

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