With Honors Page #2

You don't understand.

This guy could be using my thesis

for toilet paper, or eating it.

He has no respect for himself,

much less for what I'm struggling to do.

He liked tormenting me.

You should've seen the look on his face.

He wants me to fail.

Pitkannan advised Rapp's thesis last year.

He dropped him because

he didn't have a rough draft.

Oh, God!

You need rest. We'll get a fresh doughnut

in the morning.

I won't wait on this--

He doesn't know you.

I'm sure he doesn't want you to fail.

Just reason with him.

Just deal with him like a human being.

I know he's a human being. I smelled him.

He's a worthless, stinky, filthy,

useless human being.

Hello, Security?

Watch your step.

You bunch of scavengers!

Thanks for the doughnut, you little stoolie!

Come on.

Hey, Monty, is that him?

He's a little old man.

Officer, it isn't here! Now, where is it?

It's not down there and it's not on him.

You have violated

Cambridge city ordinances...

...and are charged with public intoxication

and/or vagrancy...

...and/or panhandling. If you plead guilty...

...please sit down.

If you plead not guilty, take a step forward.

Name?

Simon B. Wilder, Judge.

As a taxpayer, I'd like to request

a trial by jury.

And when was the last time

you paid taxes?

Three times this last week.

- You paid taxes three times?

- Yes, sir.

There's a federal, state

and county tax on wine.

Mr. Wilder...

...the court concedes

you have paid various taxes...

...nevertheless a jury trial is not called for.

Charges of public drunkenness,

trespassing and vagrancy stand.

- How do you plead?

- Not guilty.

You were found living in a furnace room

under Harvard's Widener Library.

With all due respect, sir,

Harvard University is a land-grant school.

Constitutionally,

I was living on public grounds.

I'll drop the trespassing charge...

...but you tested as being drunk

at the time of your arrest.

At the time of my arrest,

I was neither driving an automobile...

...or operating heavy farm equipment.

I was sitting alone, reading.

I'm well past drinking age.

If I take a little drink to kill the winter chill,

it's certainly not a crime.

If it were, every fan at a Harvard-Yale

football game would be behind bars. Come on!

Be careful, Mr. Wilder.

You're coming dangerously close

to contempt of court.

I'll drop the charges of public intoxication.

Thank you. You're a gentleman

and a scholar.

I knew once we got to know each other,

we'd hit it off.

When I heard that phony accent,

I thought he'd be an a**hole.

It goes to show--

That's it Mr. Wilder!

I'm holding you in contempt.

Fifty dollars or 50 days!

You'll hear from Alan Dershowitz.

See how you do with him!

Your Honor...

...may I pay the fine?

Are you related to Mr. Wilder?

I'm a Harvard student.

I'm writing my senior thesis and

...I need Mr. Wilder's help.

Bailiff, this young man will pay the fine...

...provided he gets Mr. Wilder

out of my sight!

Next case, please.

Don't ask him for a glazed doughnut.

Excuse me, Miss.

Can I borrow your quarter?

I'd like to get the morning paper.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You know what the greatest nation

in the world is? Dont you?

I hope it's the U.S.A.

Wrong!

It's do-nation.

There you go.

That's for being so generous.

Would you like a couple more for your friends?

No, one's fine. Thanks.

Thank you. Bye, sweetheart.

Mr. Wilder, I have a business proposition.

Buy the Boston Herald over here.

Only 25 cents.

Get your paper over here!

Only 25 cents!

Read all about it!

Clarence Thomas wins appointment!

Moves in on top of hill.

- I'll take one.

- There you go, Miss.

- Let me check that out.

- Twenty-five cents.

- Solid.

- It's on Page 5.

I bailed you out.

I think that entitles me to a conversation.

Read all about it!

Harvard student dies in freak accident!

Crushed by giant ego!

I'll take the rest. Here's $5.

What do you see when you look at me?

What do you see?

A man.

No, you see a piece of sh*t.

I see a man who needs a home.

I had a home.

I had a warm place to sleep.

Seventeen bathrooms

and eight miles of books.

I had a goddamn palace.

Do you know why I need a home?

'Cause of you.

'Cause when you looked at me,

you didn't see a man.

Well?

What's that?

A house.

I prefer that.

It's full.

It's the best I can do.

My roommate, Boz, cracked up

two months ago and quit school.

This is his stuff!

Where is he now?

Bali!

Bali? I've been there. Merchant Marines.

Swab the decks and see the world.

Just don't breathe in the engine room.

Well, all this comfort can be yours

for just one senior thesis.

For each night's lodging...

...one page.

Mr. Wilder, I don't think you understand.

This is nine months of my work.

I need all the pages now.

Just give me everything

and you can stay until spring.

I give you my word.

Your word, Harvard. Surely ye jest.

Did you forget about our original deal?

One thing for one thing.

Get a little creative,

you'll have me out of here in no time at all.

By the way...

...I'll need something decent to read.

I'll get anything you want from the library.

I was reading Germinal by Zola

until I was so rudely interrupted.

You'll have it by tomorrow.

Boy, oh, boy.

- Where are you going?

- I got to get dinner.

My roommates are cooking dinner.

I'll get you some.

Wait a minute. What are they having?

What are they having?

Hello, Speedy.

How was your day?

That good.

- Check that for you.

- Mr. One-Crutch Man.

- The doctor told you to use both crutches?

- I only need one.

Don't tell me you're even afraid

to depend on inanimate objects.

Anyone mind if I have seconds.

I'll kick in extra for groceries.

You still owe for last week.

I'm good for it, Jeff.

Can you get the door, please?

You dining on the terrace this evening?

This meet your standards?

When do I get my page?

Tomorrow.

If you eat now, I get my page now.

If you had an insurance policy,

would you carry it around?

You're being very unreasonable.

How do I know you didn't burn it?

Do you think I'm an idiot?

No, Harvard.

I think you're a loser.

Fine!

Tomorrow then. 'Bye.

What if my parents pull

one of their surprise visits?

My mom would have a heart attack.

I mean....

Wouldn't it have been more considerate

if you had asked Jeff's mother first?

Don't lecture me about consideration.

You keep a rooster in the house.

My cock is a lot cleaner than your bum.

You're comparing c*cks and bums.

Is this inside macho talk.

The rooster happens to be

the centerpiece of my radio show.

The bum is the centerpiece of my life.

The bum is my summa cum laude.

Does anyone have a razor?

My legs are turning into Christmas trees.

Come on, we're all guys here.

What's the occasion?

I got a date. Promised Jonathan

I'd make up with him again.

Jonathan? The Face.

He's not just a pretty face,

he's also a great body.

Can we just not talk about sex right now?

You forgot to take your girlfriend home

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