Withnail & I Page #5

of large scotches.

These shall be my pleasure.

What are you doing

up here, then?

We're doing

a feature for Country Life.

Survey of rural types.

You know, farmers,

traveling tinkers,

milkmen, that sort of thing.

Have you...

Have you metJake?

Poacher.

Works the lake.

But, uh, keep it

under your hat, hmm?

What's all this army bollocks?

We got a drink, didn't we?

Time, gentlemen.

I think he means it.

- Go ask him if we can have one.

- What for?

So we can eat it.

We're fed up with stew!

Excuse me.

Could we have an eel?

- You've got eels down your leg.

- You leave them alone.

Nothing down there

of interest to you.

Help us out, Raymond.

These be fed

from a**hole to beak.

How about one of those pheasants?

Go on, ask him.

Excuse me. We were wondering if we

could purchase a pheasant off of you?

No. I've got nothing to sell.

Come on, old boy.

What's in your hump?

Now look, you. Them pheasants are

for his pot. These here are for my pot.

Now what makes you think I should

give you something for your pot?

- What pot?

- Our cooking pot.

He knows. Hey, give us

a wheeze on that fag.

I might come and see you lads in a week.

I might fetch you up a rabbit.

We don't want a rabbit.

We want a pheasant.

Listen, you young prat.

I ain't got no pheasants.

I ain't got no birds,

no more than you have.

Of course you have.

You're the poacher.

If I hear more words

out of you,

I'll put one of these here

black pods on you.

- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.

- Half dead, he may be.

But I'll come up after you,

and I'll wake you up with a live one.

Sod your pheasants!

You'll have to find us first.

I know where you are,

at Crow Crag.

I've been watching you.

Especially you,

prancing like a tit.

You want working on, boy.

If I see that silage heap

hanging about up here,

I'll take the bastard

axe to him!

Bastards!

You'll all suffer!

I'll show the lot of you!

I'm gonna be a star!

Vegetables again.

I'll be sprouting

bloody feelers soon.

Must be 20,000 sheep

out there on those volcanoes,

and we got a plate

full of carrots.

- There's black puddings in it.

- Black puddings are no good to us.

I want something's flesh!

Look! Come here!

Down here. Look.

Under the rock. I can see it.

See him? Look.

He's over there.

Look. Here.

There's two of them here.

Look. Come on, come on.

Where?

I think I'll call myself

Donald Twain.

Stop. Get down.

It's him.

What does he want?

- Go down there and ask him.

- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.

Bastard's psychotic.

You've only got to look at him.

This place has become impossible.

Perpetual rain, freezing cold.

Now a bloody madman

on the prowl outside with eels.

All right,

you made your point.

We pack up.

We get out tomorrow.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going for a slash.

No, you're not. I can't get

my boots on when they're hot.

- I'll go alone.

- You're not leaving me in here alone.

- Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.

- Then I won't have a slash.

And in both our interests, I think

we should sleep together tonight.

Don't be ridiculous.

He's not gonna come up here in the dark.

Of course he is.

If he catches one of us,

he's got a better chance

of dealing with the other.

No.

What's the matter with you?

What are you laughing at?

I was dreaming.

What do you want?

You frightened the piss out of me.

Move over. I'm getting in.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'll have to sleep in your bed.

- I'll have to come with you.

- Will you get out?

- No.

- All right, then I will.

All right, you can stay,

but the gun doesn't.

No. I have to keep the gun.

I intend to remain awake.

- This is my bed, and I demand precedence.

- No!

Mad f***ing bastard!

Shhh! Shhh!

- Listen.

- There is nothing! Get to bed!

I heard a noise.

I must get in.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

- What was that?

- That's it. That's it.

- What is it?

- It's the killer.

- It's probably foxes looking for grub.

- Listen. Listen.

Maybe it's the farmer.

At 2:
00 in the morning?

It's the killer.

He's come to kill us.

What are we gonna do?

He wants to come in.

He's trying to get in.

He can't. He'll go away.

He's going away.

This is all your fault.

You've even given him

the f***ing gun.

He's coming through the window.

He's getting in.

- Give me the matches.

- Downstairs.

He's in.

He's sharpening a f***ing knife.

We'll have to tackle him. You stay

in bed, pretending to be asleep.

He'll go for you.

When he does, I'll jump on his back.

No, no, no. It'll be too late.

I'll be knifed by then.

We'll have to try

and make friends with him.

They're going into your room.

It's you he wants.

Offer him yourself.

We mean no harm!

Oh, my boys!

My boys! Forgive me!

- Monty! Monty, Monty!

- Monty, you terrible c*nt!

Forgive me. It was inconsiderate

of me not to have telegrammed.

What are you doing, prowling around

in the middle of the f***ing night!

I had a punctured tire.

I had to wait an eon for assistance.

I'm sorry if I frightened you.

I should have knocked, but...

- I- I-I'll sleep in the other

room, if I may. - Anywhere you like.

Uh, yes, well.

Uh... good night.

Brrr! Ah, good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Mm-hmm.

Um, I-I-I do apologize

for last night.

- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.

- It's perfectly all right, Monty.

- You've been busy in here?

- As a bee.

- How did you repair the window?

- Oh, I didn't break it.

Merely forced it a little.

Sorry if I frightened you.

There was an empty

wine bottle on the ledge.

Oh, tomatoes. Yes.

Why don't you go and wake him?

Breakfast in 15 minutes.

The old order changeth,

yielding place to new.

And God fulfills Himself

in many ways.

And soon...

I suppose...

I shall be swept away...

by some vulgar little tumor.

Oh, my boys.

My boys,

we're at the end of an age.

We live in a land

of weather forecasts...

and breakfasts that 'set in,'

shat on by Tories,

shoveled up by Labor.

And here we are... we three...

perhaps the last island

of beauty in the world.

Now, which of you is going to be

a splendid fellow...

and go down to the Rolls

for the rest of the wine?

- I will.

- No, I'd better go. I wanna dig the car out anyway.

- But we have my car, dear boy.

- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.

- I mean...

- Stranded!

- We'll leave the car till later. Leave this to me.

- I'll come. I fancy a walk.

No, I hear you're a little wizard in the

kitchen. I shall need you, to work the joint.

- Yeah, you're the cook.

- And... what on earth are those?

- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.

- Oh, but how dreadful.

Do you mean you've been up here in all this

beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?

Well, this afternoon

I shall take you both into Penrith...

and get you fitted with some

good quality rubber boots.

Garlic, rosemary and salt.

I brought two of these in case either

of you was any good in the kitchen.

- I'm not.

- Of course you are. Cooking is one of the natural instincts.

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