Withnail and I Page #3

Withnail:

What f***er said that!?

[The large Irish gentleman in the corner gets up and walks over to them.

Now he is upright we see he is very large indeed and does not look

friendly.]

Big Irish man:

I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one. Ponce!

Withnail (smiling):

Would you like a drink?

Big Irish man:

What's your name McFuck!?

[As he says this he jerks the scarf from around Withnail's neck.]

Withnail:

I've a heart condition. I've a heart condition. If you hit me it's

murder!

Big Irish man:

I'll murder the pair of y'ers.

Withnail:

My wife's having a baby. Listen, I don't know what my f.. [he starts

to say friend but decides on a better course of action] acquaintance

did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. I suggest you both go

outside and discuss it sensibly, in the street.

[They push past the man and rush to the door.]

Withnail:

Ahhhh, out of my way.

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The Bathroom

[I is in the bath shaving.]

I:

Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off

the plane. Timechange. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long

as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get

out because it's crashing then all at once the frozen hours melt out

through the nervous system and seep out the pores.

[Withnail enters with their lunch from the chippy]

Withnail:

The bastards. Justice suck. It's a miserable cheap cigar and the

bastards won't see me.

I:

Why are we having lunch in here?

Withnail:

It's dinner and Danny's here.

I:

Danny!? How did he get in?

Withnail:

I let him in this morning. He lost one of his clogs. He's come in

because of the perpetual cold. I hope the buggers sales plummet.

I:

I've got your savaloy. Here. I don't want it.

Withnail:

Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.

[He scrunches up the paper that was holding his chips and puts it in the

toilet]

I:

Don't vent spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.

Withnail:

Stop saying that. You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're

in that I've been in is this f***ing bath.

I:

Danny's here. Head hunter to his friends. Head hunter to everybody. He

doesn't have any friends. The only people he converses with are his

clients and occasionally the police. The purveyor of rare herbs and

prescribed chemicals is back. Will we never be set free?

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The Flat

[I comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.]

I:

Danny.

Danny:

You're looking very beautiful man. Have you been away? St. Peter

preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that. Have you

got any food.

I:

Mmm, As a matter of fact, got a savaloy.

Danny:

How much is it?

I:

You can have it for nothing.

[Danny sniffs the sausage. Withnail enters from the kitchen gluing the

sole back on his shoe. He is wearing a rather expensive looking suit.]

Danny:

I see you're wearing a suit.

Withnail:

What's it got to do with you?

Danny:

No need to get uptight man. I was merely making an observation. I

happened to be looking for a suit for the coal man two weeks ago. For

reasons I can't really discuss with you the coal man had to go to

Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow, had the weight under

his fez. We wored out that it would be handycarma for him to get hold

of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade the coal man, went

into court wearing a kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all

well. They can handle the kaftan but they can't handle the bell. So

there's this judge sitting there sitting in a cape like f***ing batman

with this really rather far out looking hat

Withnail:

A wig.

Danny:

No man, this was more like a long white hat. So he looks at the

coalman and says 'what's all this. This is a court man. This ain't

fancy dress' and the coal man looks at him and says 'you think you

look normal, your honour?'. C*nt give him two years.

[I laughs a little. Withnail looks on unamuzed.]

Danny:

I'm afraid I can't offer you gentlemen anything.

I:

That's alright Danny. We'd decided to lay off for a bit.

Danny:

That's what I thought. Except for personal use I concur with you. as a

matter of fact i was thinking of retiring and going into business

Withnail [Scoffing]:

Doing what?

Danny:

The toy industry.

[There is a stange looking contraption on the table involving a bottle.]

Withnail:

Thought you were in the bottle industry.

Danny:

No man, that's a side line. You can have that. Instructions are

included. Yeah. My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls.

His name's 'Presuming Ed'. His sister give him the idea. She got a

doll on Christmas what pisses itself.

Withnail:

Really.

Danny:

Then you've got to change its draws for it. Horrible really but

they're like that the little girls. So we're going to make one that

shits itself too.

Withnail:

Shits itself!?

Danny:

He's an expert. He's building the prototype now. [To I] Why's he

behaving so uptightly.

Withnail:

Because a gang of cheroot vendors consider a hair cut beyond the limit

of my abilities

Danny:

I don't advise a hair cut man. All hairdressers are in the employment

of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from

the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the

reason bold-headed men are uptight.

Withnail:

What absolute twaddle.

Danny:

Has he just been busted?

I:

No.

Danny:

Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail:

Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawke's of Saville row. Just because

the best tailoring you've ever seen is above you f***ing appendix

doesn't mean anything.

Danny:

Don't get uptight with me man. Because if you do I'll have to give you

a dose of medicine and if I spike you you'll know you've been spoken

to.

Withnail:

You wouldn't spike me you're too mean. Besides, there's nothing

invented I couldn't take.

Danny:

If I medicined you you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Withnail:

I could take double anything you could.

Danny [removing his sunglasses]:

Very, very foolish words man.

I:

He's right Withnail. Look at him . His mechanisms gone. He's had more

drugs than you've had hot dinners.

Withnail:

I'm not having this shag-sack insulting me. Let him get his drugs out.

[Danny gets a doll out of a bag.]

Danny:

This doll is extremely dangerous. It has voodoo qualities.

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