Withnail and I Page #4

[Withnail snorts. Danny takes the head off the doll and extracts a handful

of pills.]

Danny:

Trade:
Phenodihydrochloride benzelex. Street: The embalmer.

Withnail:

Balls. I'll swallow it and run a mile.

Danny:

Cool your boots man. This pill's valued at two quid.

Withnail:

Two quid! You're out of your mind.

I:

That's sense Withnail.

Withnail:

You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and f*** off while you're

doing it.

Danny:

No need to insult me man. I was leaving anyway. Have either of you got

shoes?

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Monte's house

[A battered Jag pulls up outside Monte's house and Withnail and I get out.

There is a rather flash looking open-topped Rolls parked outside. The sound

of a Schubert piano sonata comes from the house.]

Withnail:

Monte's car.

[Withnail knocks on the door. Monte, a rather fat, effeminate, middle-aged

gentleman, opens the door. He is holding a very large fluffy cat and a

watering can.]

Monty:

Oh hello. Come in.

[They enter and go into the lounge.]

Monty:

Sit down do. Would you like a drink?

[They sit together on a sette.]

Withnail:

Sherry!

Monty:

[To withnail] Sherry. [To I] Sherry?

I:

Sherry.

Monty:

Sherry.

[Monty moves to the sideboard and pours the drinks. Withnail lights up yet

another cigarette.]

Monty:

Do you like vegetables? I've always been fond of root crops but I only

started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more

beautiful than the rose.

Withnail:

Chin chin.

[He drinks the sherry.]

Monty:

Do you grow?

Withnail:

Geraniums.

Monty:

Oh you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating

than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially

tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is you'll agree a certain je ne

ses quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot. Excuse me. Do

help yourselves to another drink.

[Withnail turns and reaches a bottle over from the sideboard. He takes a

long swig. ]

I:

What's all this. The man's mad.

Withnail:

Eccentric.

I:

Eccentric? He's insane. Not only that he's a raving homosexual.

[There is a yowl from the cat. Monte storms back into the room preceded by

the cat.]

Monty:

You beastly little parasite. How dare you? You little thug. How dare

you? Ooohhhh. Beastly ungrateful little swine.

[He deposits his considerable bulk on the other settee, facing the first.]

Withnail:

Shall I get you a drink Monte?

Monty:

Yes. Yes please dear boy. You can prepare me a small rhesus negative

Bloody Mary. And you must tell me all the news. I haven't seen you

since you finished your last film.

[I smiles wriley to himself. Withnail downs the drink he has prepared for

himself, pours another and starts making the Bloody Mary for Monty.]

Withnail:

Rather busy uncle. TV and stuff. My agent's trying to edge me towards

the Royal Shakespeare again.

Monty:

Oh splendid.

Withnail:

He's just had an audition for rep.

Monty:

Oh splendid. So you're a thespian too?

[Withnail delivers Monte's drink and sits beside him.]

Withnail:

Monte used to act.

Monty:

I'd hardly say that. It's true I crept the boards in my youth but I

never had it in my blood and that's what so essential isn't it?

Theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas, I have little more that vintage

wine and memories.

[He stands and looks at a photograph on the mantlepiece.]

Monty:

It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when he

awakes and quite reasonable says to himself: [He puts his hand on his

heart] I will never play The Dane. When that moment comes, ones

ambition ceases. Don't you agree?

Withnail:

A part I intend to play, Uncle.

Monty:

And you'll be marvelous. [He starts quoting from Hamlet] We do it

wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence......

[As Monte rambles in the background I steps over to Withnail and whispers.]

I:

He's a madman. Any moment now he's going to rush out and get into his

tights.

Withnail:

Ok ok. Give me a minute.

I:

The house or out.

[Withnail stands and moves over to Monte.]

Withnail:

Could I have a word with you Monte?

Monty:

Oh forgive me dear boy, forgive me. I was allowing memories to have

the better of me.

Withnail:

Shall I get you a top up? [He moves to the sideboard again. Monte sits

down and reminisces.]

Monty:

Indeed I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. Dreadful little

Israelite. Four floors up at the charring cross and never a job at the

top of them. I'm told you're a writer too. Do you write poems?

I:

No, I wish I could. It's just thoughts really.

Monty:

Have you published?

I:

No no.

Monty:

Where did you school?

Withnail:

He went to the other place Monte.

Monty:

Oh you went to Eton?

[The cat reappears on I's chair.]

Monty:

Get that damned little swine out of here. It's trying to get itself in

with you. It's trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its

gut - its like a rugby ball now. It will die, it will die!

[He storms around ineffectually.]

Withnail:

Monte, Monte.

Monty:

No dear boy you must leave, you must leave. Once again that oaf has

destroyed my day.

Withnail:

Listen Monte. Can I just have a quick word in private.

Monty:

Oh, very well.

[Later they are leaving the house. Monty shows them to the door.]

Monty:

Good night my dears.

Withnail:

Good night Monty.

[Monty closes the inner door to the porch behind them.]

I:

What's all this going off in private business? Why did you tell him I

went to Eton?

Withnail:

Because it wouldn't have helped if I hadn't.

I:

What do you mean by that?

Withnail [Showing him the key to the cottage.]:

Free to those that can afford it. Very expensive to those that can't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The car

[They leave Camden in I's battered old Jag. Withnail, still in his

suit, has a bottle and is clearly drunk. They pass some schoolgirls.]

Withnail:

Scrubbers!

Scrubber:

Up yours grandad!

Withnail:

Scrubbers! scrubbers!

I:

Shut up.

Withnail:

Little tarts they love it.

I:

Listen, I'm trying to drive this thing as quietly as possible. If

you don't shut up we'll get stopped by the police.

[The pass a notice anouncing an accident blackspot.]

Withnail:

Look at that, look at that. Accident black spot. These aren't

accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly.

Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.

[To a pedestrian] Throw yourselves into the road darling, you

haven't got a chance.

[Somewhat later they join the motorway.]

Withnail:

At some point or another I want to stop and get hold of a child.

I:

What do you want a child for?

Withnail:

To tutor it in the ways of righteousness and procure some

uncontaminated urine.

[He takes out the bottle and instructions provided by Danny.]

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