Withnail and I Page #7

I:

What's up with him?

Parkin:

Shut that gate, shut that bull!

I:

You didn't shut the gate!

Parkin:

Shut that gate, shut that bull!

[A bull appears and pushes the gate open. Withnail thrusts the bag into I's

hands and vaults the wall. I is left facing the bull in a narrow corridor

between two walls.]

Withnail:

Grab its ring. Keep your bag up. Outvive him.

Parkin:

Hey, listen, show no fear! Just run at it

I:

Well that can't be sensible can it? The bastard's about to run at

me

Parkin:

Well he's randy!

I:

Yeah, yeah. I know he is

[Withnail has his cigarettes out and is lighting up.]

Withnail:

Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.

I:

Shut up Withnail!

Parkin:

Just run at it, shouting!

Withnail:

Do as he says, start shouting. It won't gore you

I:

A coward you are Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not!

[He shouts and throws the shopping in the air. The bull roars, I shouts

again and runs at it. It turns and retreats to its field.]

Parkin:

Shut that gate and keep it shut.

Withnail:

I think an evening at the Crow!

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The fields

[It is dark. The silloutes of Withnail and I appear on the skyline.]

I [narrating]:

If the Crow and Crown had ever had life it was dead now. It was

like walking into a lung. A self-sustained nicotin-yellow and

fly-blown lung. Its landlord was a retired alcoholic with

military pretentions and a complection like the inside of a

teapot. By the time the doors opened he was arseholed on rum and

got progresively more arseholed until he could take no more and

fell over at about twelve 'o' clock.

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The Crow and Crown

[Withnail and I are stood at the bar.]

Withnail:

We'll have another pair of large scotches.

[Raymond, the publican, gets the drink and takes the money for them. In

opening the till he just avoids falling over. Withnail and I suppress

laughter.]

Raymond:

Thought I was going for a minute but no man's put me down yet.

Have you had any training in the martial arts?

Withnail:

Yes, as a matter of I have. Before I became a journalist I was in

the terretorials.

Raymond:

Do you know, when you first came in here I knew you were a

services man. You can never, never disguise it.

Withnail:

What were you in?

Raymond:

Tanks. Afrika Korps. A little before your time. Don't suppose

you've engaged.

Withnail:

Ireland.

Raymond:

Ooooh, a crack at the Mick.

Withnail:

We'll have another pair of large scotches

Raymond:

These shall be my pleasure. What are you doing up here then?

Withnail:

We're doing a feature for Country Life. Survey of rural types:

farmers, traveling tinkers, milkmen; that sort of thing.

Raymond:

Have you met Jake? Poacher. Works the lake but keep it under your

hat, hmm?

[They take their drinks to a table.]

I:

What's all this army bollocks?

Withnail:

We got a drink didn't we?

[Rather later, the pair are the only remaining customers. Raymond, wiping

down the bar, is clearly leggless.]

Raymond:

Time please gentlemen.

I:

I think he means it

[The door clatters open and a man in a thick coat walks in, leans over the

bar and helps himself to a beer. I nudges Withnail. The man takes an eel

from his trousers which wriggles around violently. He strikes its head on

the bar and returns it to his trousers.]

I:

Ask him if we can have one

Withnail:

What for?

I:

So that we can eat it! 'We're fed up with stew'

[They approach the bar.]

Withnail:

Excuse me, could we have an eel? You've got eels down your leg

Jake:

You leave them alone. Nothing down there of interest to you.

[He removes a pheasant from under his coat.]

Help us out Raymond. He's been stuffed from arsehole to t' beak.

I:

Ask him if we can have one of those. Go on.

Withnail:

Excuse me, we were wondering if we could purchase a pheasant off

of you

Jake:

No.

Withnail:

Come on old boy. What's in your hump?

Jake:

Those pheasants are for his pot. There eels are for my pot. Now

what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?

Withnail:

What pot?

I:

Our cooking pot.

Jake:

Ah, he know. Here, give us a wheeze on that fag.

[He takes the cigarette from Withnail's mouth and takes a draw. I gives him

the remains of a packet.]

Jake:

Might come up and see you lads in the week . Might bring you up a

rabbit.

Withnail:

We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant.

Jake:

Now listen here you young prat. Haven't got no pheasants. Haven't

got no birds. No more than you have.

Withnail:

Of course you have, you're the poacher.

Jake:

If I hear more words out of you I'll come up and set one of these

black puddin's on you

Withnail:

Don't threaten me with a dead fish

Jake:

Half dead he might be, but I'll come up after you and wake you up

with a live one.

Withnail:

Sod your pheasants. You'll have to find us first.

[They make to leave]

Jake:

I know where you are. You're at crow crag. I've been wathching

you. Especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on

boy. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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Withnail:

if i see that sillage heap prowling around here i'll take the

bastard axe to him. bastards. you'll all suffer. i'm going to be

a star!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Withnail:

Vegtables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon

I:

There's black pudding in it.

Withnail:

Black puddings are no good to us. I want somethings flesh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Withnail:

I think I'll call myself Donald Twain. Get down, get down. It's

him, what does he want?

I:

Better get down there and ask him.

Withnail:

Don't be ridiculous, he's got a gun. Bastard's phycotic, you've

only got to look at him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Withnail:

this place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold

and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

I:

alright you've made your point. we pack up tomorrow and get out.

Withnail:

where are you going?

I:

I'm going for a slash

Withnail:

you can't go outside, i can't get my boots on when they're hot.

I:

then i'll go alone

Withnail:

no you won't these are the sort of windows faces look in at.

I:

alright then i won't have a slash

Withnail:

and in both our interests i think we should sleep together

tonight.

I:

don't be ridiculous he;s not going to come up here in the dark.

Withnail:

yes he is and if he catches one of us off guard he's got a much

better chance of dealing with the other.

I:

no

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I:

ha ha ha ha ha

Withnail:

what are you laughing about

I:

i was dreaming

Withnail:

you frightened the piss out of me. move over

I:

will you get out

Withnail:

no

I:

alright, i'll have to sleep in your bed

Withnail:

then i'll have to come with you

I:

alright you can stay but the gun goes

Withnail:

no, i have to keep the gun . i intend to stay awake until

morning.

I:

it's my bed and i demand presidence. mad f***ing bastard

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I:

ah ah. what.

Withnail:

i heard a noise.

I:

there is nothing get to bed. what was that?

Withnail:

listen listen

I:

probably just foxes. perhaps its the farmer

Withnail:

at two in the morning? it's the killer. he's come to kill us.

it's all your fault, you've even given him the f***ing gun. I've

got to get in. He's trying to get in.

I:

He can't, he'll go away. He's going away.

Withnail:

He's getting in thorough the window. He's sharpening the f***ing

knife

I:

where's the matches?

Withnail:

in the kitchen.

I:

alright. we'll have to tackle with him. you stay in bed and

pretend to be asleep. when he goes for you i'll jump on his back.

Withnail:

no no, it'll be too late by then, i'll be knifed. we'll have to

try and make friends with him. He's going to your room. it's you

he wants. offer him yourself! we mean no harm.

Monty:

oh my boys, my boys.

I:

monty! monty monty!

Withnail:

monty you terrible c*nt. what are you doing prowling round in the

middle of the f***ing night?

Monty:

i had a punctured tyre. i had to wait an eon for assistance. i'm

sorry if i frightened you. i'll sleep in the other room if i may

I:

anywhere you like Monty

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monty:

ah, good morning. did you sleep well?

I:

mmmm. you've been busy in here

Monty:

as a bee. I do appologise for last night, it was perfectly

inconsidereate of me.

I:

that's perfectly alright monty. how did you repair the window?

Monty:

didn't break it. merely forced it a little. there was an empty

wine bottle on the ledge. tomatoes. you better wake him,

breakfast in fifteen minutes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monty:

The older order changeth giving way to the new and God forfills

himself in many ways and soon, I suppose, I shall be swept away

by some vulgar little tumor. My boys, we are at the end of an

age. We live in a land of weather forcasts and breakfasts that

set in. Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by labour. Now which of

you is going to be a splendid fellow and go down to the Rolls for

the rest of the wine?

I:

I'll go.

Withnail:

I'll go.

I:

No, I'll go - I need to see about digging the car out.

Monty:

But we have my car dear boy.

I:

Yes, but if it rains we're buggered. I mean...

Monty:

Stranded!

Withnail:

Leave this to me

I:

I'll come with you, I could do with a walk. Besides. I shall need

you to work on the joint. I hear you're a little wizard in the

kitchen.

Withnail:

Yeah, you the food and plumbings expert. [He starts putting his

polythene bags on.]

Monty:

What on earth are those?

Withnail:

We forgot to bring our wellingtons.

Monty:

You mean you've been up here in all this beastly mud and oomska

without wellingtons? This afternoon I'll take you both into

Penryth and get you fitted with some good quality rubber boots.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kitchen. [Monty has an apron on and is holding another.]

Monty:

I brought two of these in case either of you were any good in the

kitchen.

I:

I'm not.

Monty:

Oh, of course you are. Cooking's one of the natural talents.

Garlic, rosemary and salt. [He hands I a large joint of meat in a

paper wrapper. I puts it down on the side.]

I:

Look this is all very kind of you Monty but I really ought to be

out there getting some work done on the car.

Monty:

You haven't time we're taking late luncheon at three.

I:

We'll have to leave by three Monty. Didn't he tell you? We've got

to get back to sign on.

Monty:

Sign on!? At a labour exchange!?

I:

Yes, it's rather fashionable actually. All the actors do it. Even

Redgrave.

Monty:

Couldn't you forgo for just this one occasion? I've come a very

long way to see you both.

I:

Sorry can't. I mean, I'd love to stay but he's more adament to

get back than I am. [Monty slips the apron over I's head and ties

it behind him.]

Monty:

Then we must choose our moment and have a word with him. I'm sure

together we could persuade him. Now, garlic, rosemary and salt. I

can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep

in butchers shops. [I moves through to the lounge and looks in

the bags of food on the table.]

I:

I can't find the rosemary.

Monty:

Can't find the rosemary! I'm sure we could find it together. [He

leans accross I in a rather comprimising fashion.]

I:

perhaps it's in the other bag.

Monty:

Perhaps it is. Shall we look? [He reaches accross with his other

arm cutting of any opatunity of escape. Withnail enters with the

wine and puts the bags on the table.]

Withnail:

Sorry. Sherry's in there. [Monty exits to the kitchen armed with

the sherry.]

I:

What do you mean sorry!? What's he doing here? We can't stay he

won't leave me alone.

Withnail:

Alright, we'll get the dinner down then we'll leave. [In the

kitchen Monty pulls the cork from the sherry and emerges with

three different glasses.]

Monty:

I'm afraid we must drink from these. I hope their shapes will not

offend your palates.

Withnail:

Chin chin.

Monty:

To a delightful weekend in the country.

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Penryth [Monty's car drives into Penryth and pulls up in the town

centre. Withnail and I get out of the car. Compared to Monty and

the car they look rather scruffy.]

Monty:

I do think you could at least have shaved. What will people

think, you look like a pair of farm-hands. Get away from the car.

[He takes out his wallet and hands Withnail two fivers.]

Monty:

Now, you get the wellingtons. I'm going to but some razors and

shaving soap. I'll meet you here in half an hour. [Monty drives

off]

Withnail:

Couple of blooms.

I:

One each. [He removes a fiver from Withnail's hand]

Withnail:

I think a drink don't you?

I:

What about the wellingtons?

Withnail:

Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him there was a

farmer's conference and they had a run on them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside the pub [I is on the telephone while Withnail is at the

bar.]

I:

yeah, ok then. yeah. promise. [He puts down the phone and walks

over to withail]

I:

Hasn't heard a thing. They're still seeing people.

Withnail:

You don't want to go to Manchester anyway; play a bloody soilder.

I:

I don't know if I do. Bloody good little theatre that.

Withnail:

It's not much of a part is it. They'd make you cut you hair off.

I:

So what, you'd loose a leg! BARMAN: time please gents.

Withnail:

Alright we're going to have to work quickly. A pair of quadruple

whiskies and another pair of pints please.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Withnail and I emerge unsteadily from the pub.]

Withnail:

Where is he. Utterly aresholed.

I:

We're early. [I looks accross to some tearooms]

I:

We want to get in there don't we. Eat some cake. Soak up the

booze.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[They enter the Penryth tea-rooms. I sits down at a table and

starts buttering the bread rolls on the table. Withnail, still

standing, points to the table and addresses an elderly waitress,

Miss Blennerhassit.]

Withnail:

Alright here? Miss B: No, we're closing in a minute.

Withnail:

We're leaving in a minute. Alright here? Miss B: What do you

want? [He sits down at the table and makes a rather perfunctory

examination of the menu.]

Withnail:

We'll have tea and cake. [An elderly man comes across to their

table. He is the proprietor] P: Did you hear her? She said she'd

closed. What do you want in here?

Withnail:

Cake and tea. what's it got to do with you? P: I happen to be the

proprietor. Now, will you leave?

Withnail:

Ah good, I'm glad you're the proprietor. I was going to have to

have a word with you anyway. We're doing a film up here, location

see. We might want to do a film in here. P: You're drunk.

I:

Just bring out the cake.

Withnail:

Cake and fine wine. Miss B: If you don't leave we'll call the

police.

Withnail:

Balls. We want the finest wines availible to humanity. We want

them here and we want them now. P: The police, Miss

Blennerhassit. [ I breaks off from stuffing breadrolls but hasn't

quite emptied his mouth at the start]

I:

Don't do that Miss Blenerhassit. I'm warning you Miss

Blennerhassit, if you do - you're fired. We are

multi-millionaries. we'll buy this place and fire you

immediately.

Withnail:

Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a f***ing

duke-box and liven all you stiffs up a bit. P: The police Miss

Blenerhassit. Just tell them there are a couple of drunks in the

Penryth tea rooms and we'd like them removed.

I:

We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires. P: Come on Mabs,

we'll keep them here until they arrive [She starts to dial]

Withnail:

You won't keep us anywhere. Miss B: Police please

Withnail:

We'll buy this place and have it knocked down.

I:

It's alright, 's alright. Our car has arrived. [He pulls back a

curtain to reveal that indeed their car has arrived, in the form

on Monty in the Rolls. They get up and I staggers out the door]

Withnail:

We're coming back in here. [He tries to lean on a convenient post

but misses and staggers a bit. He points meaningfully at the

various customers as he leaves, shutting his coat in the door.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cottage [Withnail and I are sat inside. There is no sign of

Monte. I has just finished shaving and is rubbing his face with a

towel.]

I:

Where is he?

Withnail:

Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come down for lunch without

an appology.

I:

Suits me, he can eat his f***ing radish. [Unseen, Monte enters

and addresses I]

Monty:

It's all you fault.

I:

I beg your pardon Monte.

Monty:

You lead him astray. Oh don't pretend you don't understand, I

know what you're up to. [Withnail stands up and offers Monte a

glass]

Withnail:

Sherry?

Monty:

Sherry!? Oh no, no, no, no. I'll fall straight into his trap.

He's so mauve we don't know what he'll do next. [I walks out in

distgust as Monte sips the sherry.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the kitchen [I is at the sink peeling potatoes. Monte enters]

Monty:

I'm preparing myself to forgive you. I think you've been punished

enough. I think we better release you from the legume and

transfer you talents to the meat. [he takes him by the hand into

the lounge]

Monty:

You shouldn't treat each other so badly. He's been working his

fingers to the bone and all you do is sit in here drinking. Now,

he's going to revitalize himself in here while you finish the

vegtables.

Withnail:

I don't know how to do them.

Monty:

Well of course you don't. You're incapable of indulging in

anything but pleasure am I not right? [I merely smiles]

Monty:

You don't deserve such loyalty. Now come along, I'm going to

teach you how to peel a potato. [He rolls up Withnail's sleeves

and takes him unwillingly into the kitchen. Withnail swipes a

glass of sherry off the table on the way there.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the dinner table [All three are sat around the table eating a

good looking roast dinner. There is plenty of extra meat and a

good supply of wine.]

Monty:

It's very stimulating getting back to a basic sort of lifestyle.

Without effecened emotion and poisonous inhibition.

I:

Except the problem do tend to take the edge off it.

Monty:

What do you mean?

I:

There are no proper facilities

Monty:

All the glorious trials of youth dear boy. When I was a lad I'd

rocket off on my tandem with Wrigglesworth and ride and ride.

Find some old barn and fall asleep with the sweet perfume of hay

on our lips.

Withnail:

Would it be in poor form to plagarise a toast?

Monty:

It depend entirely on the quality of the wine. In this case, it

most certainly would not.

Withnail:

In that case, to a delightful weekend in the country.

Monty:

Oooh, we were expecting a volley of argument concerning Mr

Redgrave. [I gives Withnail a look of daggers]

I:

You're forgetting Jake.

Monty:

Jake can wait too.

I:

Jake's not a friend Monte. I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,

but there's a madman on the loose outside.

Monty:

Is this true?

Withnail:

Well, there's this local type. Poacher. We got into a bit of a

tiff and he threatened me with a dead fish. Yes, it was rather

amusing acutally. When you came into the house we thought it was

him and we thought that you cleaning your boots was him

sharpening the knife.

Monty:

Oh, how delicious!

I:

I'm going for a walk.

Monty:

Oh, wait for us dear boy, we'll all go.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside the cottage [I is leaning on the wall. Withnail emerges

and walks briskly over to him]

Withnail:

Look, I know what your thinking but I had no alternative. The old

beggers come a long way and I didn't want to put the wind up him.

I:

You sensitivity overwhelms me. If you think you're having a

weekends indulgence up here at his expense, which means him

having a weekends induldgence up here at my expense you've got

another thing coming.

Withnail:

Anyway, he sent me out to say the coffee's ready.

I:

I couldn't drink it. I've got a crick in my mouth from grinning.

Withnail:

Well stop smilling at him.

I:

I can't help it, I'm so uptight with him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The hillside. [The are walking through thick bracken listening to

Monte expound on Oxford.]

Monty:

Longtemps, longtemps de teau cheveux. Oh, Bodelair. Brings back

such memories of Oxford. I [voice over] followed by yet another

anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called

Norman who had ref hair and a poetry book stained with the butter

drips from crumpets.

Monty:

Indeed I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering

with his mother in Guilford, a cat, rain, vim under the sink and

both bars on. But old now, there is no true beauty without decay.

Withnail:

Legium pro Britania

Monty:

How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of

(rains/reigns) where royalty comes in gangs. Come on lads, the

sky's bruising, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp.

I:

He's having my room. I want the room with the lock. Agree to that

or I'm off.

Withnail:

Alright, alright [They stride off back to the cottage. Before

they get there, they see Jake at the door. Monte looks at him

through the binoculars]

I:

Good old Jake eh? And that's precisely the reason I'm off back to

London. Come on, lets pack up and get off. Good old Jake, eh

Withnail. Lets all have a laugh. Good old Jake.

Monty:

He's going away. [They walk down to the cottage. There is a hare

tied to the door with a note attached. Withnail unfolds the note

and hands it to Monte. Monty clearly has some difficulty in

reading the note.]

Monty:

Here hare here. [The meaning dawns on him.]

Monty:

Here hare here!

Withnail:

Good old Jake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cottage. [They are playing poker with bottle tops and a few

coins. An old gramaphone is plaing in the background. The game is

stud with two down cards - Monty has the ace of spades and two

small spades showing, I just queen high]

Monty:

Ace bets two and it's over to you.

Withnail:

You two and up two.

I:

So that's four?

Monty:

That's four. [I puts in four. Monty deals the last set of cards.]

Monty:

?

Withnail:

Denai surenum defit. [He deals I another queen to I]

Monty:

Oh, there she is. [He deals himself another spade]

Monty:

A possible flush. Well, it's the two queens to bet!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Still at the table, Monty winds up the gramaphone.]

Monty:

Another hand? [Withnail looks up and slumps in his chair. He is

totally plastered.]

Monty:

I think we'd better get him to bed.

I:

No, he's down here. You're in my room, I'm in his room and he's

down here.

Monty:

I wouldn't dream of depriving the poor fellow of his bed.

Particularlly in that condition.

I:

It's what he wants!

Withnail:

No I don't I want to get to bed!

I:

Come on then luvy, lets get you to bed then. A good nights sleep

will do us both some good. [He grabs Withnail under the arms and

manouvers him out of the room.]

I:

We'll I'll say good night then Monty.

Withnail:

I want to be alone. [I staggers up the stairs with Withnail who

mumers about wanting to be on his own. He drops him on the bed

and dashes back to his own room to get his bedding. Before he can

get back though Monty has come up the stairs and just finished

locking the door.]

Monty:

He doesn't want to sleep with you.

I:

Right then, You're in there and I'll take the couch. I'll say

night night then Monty.

Monty:

You already have. Twice!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Downstairs I frantically aranges the blankets on the settee.

Monty enters]

I:

What is it Monty, I'm terribly tired I need to get to bed.

Monty:

But not that tired eh? Are you a sponge or a stone?

I:

I beg you pardon Monty?

Monty:

Do you like to sample all facets of life or do you shut yourself

off from new experience.

I:

I voted conserative

Monty:

Loyalty isn't a matter of selection.

I:

I quite agree, it's more a matter of chosing to whom one is

loyal. I'm terribly tired Monty, I need to get to bed.

Monty:

You must mustn't you. Off you go then. I'll sleep down here. It

won't be the first time I've been left with the couch!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[I is in bed. He has barricaded the door by propping a chair

against the knob. There is a determined pushing at the door from

the other side which dislodges the chair and Monty enters.]

Monty:

Boy! Boy! I know you're not asleep boy. But he is. I've been into

his room. He won't hear a thing.

I:

No I'm not asleep. What is it Monty, what do you want. [I lights

a candle. Monty sits down on the side on the bed.]

Monty:

I tried not to come, oh how I tried not to.

I:

There's something I've got to tell you Monty.

Monty:

There's no need to explain, he's told me everything.

I:

What! What's he told you?

Monty:

About how you came to Chelsea and you arrest in the totenham

court road. He told me about your probelms, how you feel.

I:

Probelms, what problems?

Monty:

You are a toilet trader! Go with it boy, give into to it. It's

like a tide. Don't let it ruin your youth as I nearly did over

Eric.

I:

I'm not homosexual Monty

Monty:

Yes you are! Of course you are. You're only saying that to deny

your relationship with him. It's not his fault that he can't love

you any more that it's mine that I adore you. Can't we allow

ourselves this one moment of indiscretion? He need never know.

I:

I don't care what he knows, you must leave Monty. [I gets out of

bed and goes over to the door. Monty beats him to it.]

Monty:

I mean to have you even if it must be burgulary. [I races to the

other side of the room. Monty advances.]

I:

Monty you must listen! We're in an affair, we have been for

years. But he's estranged, he won't allow himself to admit it.

That's why he's rejecting me while you're here. On my life Monty,

this is the first time in six years we havn't slept together. I

couldn't cheat on him, it would kill him.

Monty:

Oh my dear boy, if I'd realised that I'd never have attempted to

come between you.

I:

I know that Monty, I respected you for your sensitivity, I thank

you for it.

Monty:

You better go to him

I:

Oh, I intend to. This instant.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Withnail's room [Withnail is asleep in bed with the shotgun. I

enters]

I:

Withnail you bastard wake up. Wake up you bastard before I burn

this bastard bed down.

Withnail:

I deny all accusations. What do you want?

I:

I've just narrowly avoided having a buggery. And I've come in

here with the express intention of wishing one on you. That said,

I'm leaving for London.

Withnail:

Hold on, hold on. Don't let you imagination run away with you.

[He light up and coughs up some phlem]

I:

I've just finished fighting a naked man. How dare you tell him

I'm a toilet trader!

Withnail:

Tatical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd

never have got the cottage.

I:

I wouldn't have wanted it, not with him in it.

Withnail:

I never thought he'd come all this way.

I:

Monty!? He'd go to New York.

Withnail:

Calcualted risk.

I:

What is all this calculated risk and tactical necessity. It's me,

naked, in a corner. And how dare you tell him I love you? And how

dare you tell him you rejected me? How dare you tell him that!?

Withnail:

Sorry about that, got a bit carried away. Sort of said it without

thinking. [I takes the gun]

I:

Well let me tell you something Withnail, if he comes in my room

again its murder and you'll be held resposible in law.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cottage [Withnail is eating lunch at the table. I is reading

a note]

I:

'Perhaps it is just that the evesdropper should leave as his

trade dictates, in secrecy and in the dead of night. I do

sincerely hope that you will find the happiness that has saddly

always been denied me. Yours faithfully, Montegue H Withnail.'

Poor old bastard.

Withnail:

Now I must say, that represents a level of hippocrasy in you that

I'd previously suspected but not noticed due to highly evasive

skills.

I:

You'll suffer for this Withnail. What you have done will have to

be paid for.

Withnail:

I'll say one thing for Monte; he keeps a sensational cellar.

[There is a knock at the door.]

I:

Who is it. VOICE: Telegram. [I gets the telegram and opens it. He

shows it to Withnail]

Withnail:

Well done.

I:

Well it doesn't mean to say I've got the part. They probably just

want to see me again. Well, that settles it, we leave

immediately.

Withnail:

What!?

I:

Get you stuff together, we leave in half an hour.

Withnail:

Don't be ridiculous, I need at least an hour for lunch.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The car [Withnail is eating the lunch from a plate on his knee.

It is raining heavinly and I's side of the windscreen is

impossible to see through]

Withnail:

You got a truck coming up in this lane followed by a slow

right-hander.

I:

This is insanity

Withnail:

Stay in this lane

I:

What lane, I can't see any lane.

Withnail:

Bear right, bear right.

I:

I can't keep this up. And I must get some sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The car [It is daytime again, and the rain has stopped.I is

asleep in the back on the car. The car jerks around and he woken.

As he looks out the window, the camera moves with his view. The

car is hurtling down the motorway swerving between the other

cars.]

I:

What's going on?

Withnail:

I'm making time.

I:

Pull over, you haven't got a license.

Withnail:

No, I'm making time. Here comes another f***er. [They swerve

infront of several more cars. Then I sees a police van behind

them.]

I:

On no.

Withnail:

It's perfectly alright, leave him to me.

I:

You're full of scotch you silly tool. [The police van comes along

side them and a policeman leans out pointing markedly to the

roadside. Withnail pulls over, the van draws up in front on them

and the officers approach the car. One knocks on the window and

Withnail winds it down.] P1: Bit early in the morning for

festivities isn't it sir? [There is a large pile of bottles on

the passenger seat of the car]

Withnail:

They're not mine, they belong to him. P1: You're drunk.

Withnail:

I assure you I'm not officer, I've only had a few ales. P1: Out

of the car. Please. Sir. [Withnail makes no move so he opens the

door. Withnail virtually falls out then stands against the car.

The policeman offers him a breathaliser] P1: Would you fill this

bag please sir. [Withnail shakes his head] P1: Are you refusing

to fill this bag?

Withnail:

I most certainly am P1: I'm placing you under arrest.

Withnail:

Don't be ridiculous I haven't done anything. Listen, my cousin's

a QC. P2:
Get in the back on the van.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police station [Withnail is behind a screen. A sergant is sat at

a desk while other policemen wonder around] P3: Serg, what's that

clown up to? [The sergent pulls a gap in the screen and sees

withnail with the contraption Danny gave him. He grabs the tube

and urine splashes everywhere. Withnail grins sheepishly]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The flat [Withnail and I enter their flat. They look through the

post]

Withnail:

Where's our checks?

I:

We didn't sign on.

Withnail:

That wouldn't make any difference to last weeks payments. [They

hear music from upstairs. The door to the bathroom is ajar and in

the bath is a large black man who looks at them inquiringly. I

looks in his bedroom. The bed is occupied by Danny]

I:

What are you doing in my bed? D: Having a sleep.

I:

Who's the huge spade in the bath? D: Presuming Ed.

I:

Well I want you out. You've got ten minutes alright? Coz I want

to get in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lounge [All four are sat in the lounge]

Withnail:

How did you get in? D: Inginuity man - come up the drainpipe.

Would you like a smoke?

Withnail:

Yes

I:

No thanks, I've got a call to make. [Danny starts pulling out

rizzlers at a prolific rate]

Withnail:

What are you going to do with those? D: The joint I am about to

roll requires a craftsman and can utalise up to twelve spliffs.

It is called a Camberwell carrot.

I:

It's imposible to use 12 papers on one joint. D: It is impossible

to roll a camberwell carrot with anything less.

Withnail:

Who says it's a Camberwell carrot. D: I do. I invented it in

Camberwell and it's shaped like a carrot. [Cut to Danny on the

settee. The Camberwell carrot is complete and is indeed of

prodidiuos proportions. As Danny lights it we see only the end

but as he hands it to withnail we see the true size. It is

enormous.] D:
These will tend to make you very high. [Withnail

takes a long draw] D: This grass is the most powerfull in the

western hemisphere. It grows at exactly two thousand feet above

sea-level. I have it special flown in from my man in Mexico. His

name's Huang. He's an expert. [I returns from his phone call] D:

Did you get the part man? [I takes a draw on the joint and

splutters. He shakes his head]

I:

No, I got a different one. They want me to play the lead.

Withnail:

Congratulations. D: Where exactly have you two been?

I:

A trip to the countryside. D: That is a very good idea. London is

a city coming down from its trip and there's going to be a lot of

refugees. [Presuming Ed laughs deeply] D: Did you realise this

gafs overrun with rodents? When I came in I saw one in the oven

the size of a f***ing dog.

I:

That is a dog, belongs to the man downstairs. D: Does his dog get

in the oven.

Withnail:

No his dog doesn't come up here. D: Then it was a rodent. Quite

freeked me at the time. I was going to cook onions. There was

some bald gieser round here the other day reckoned you owed him

235 quid backrent. I told him there was no question of paying

rent on a property infested with rodent. Started coming on all

bald with me.

Withnail:

You mean ratty. D: I told him to piss off.

I:

You bloody fool. He'll have us up in court again. D: No he won't,

it's not legal.

Withnail:

We can quote you on that I presume. D: Law rather appeals to me

actually. [Withnail laughs uncontrolably and drops to the floor]

D:
Just high.

I:

Stop laughing will you Withnail, this is serious. D: No it ain't.

I looked into it. Studied the papers.

I:

What papers? D:
Legal papers. [He shakes the papers out of a bag]

I:

Look, he's got our checks. What are you doing with these? D: I

was going to pay them in for you.

I:

For christ'd sake Withnail, stop laughing will you. Look, this is

a notice of eviction

Withnail:

Give it to my barrister. [Presuming Ed starts chanting and

rotating a globe] Ed: Harriramma, Hariramma

I:

Shup up will you, you're giving me the fear! Give us a downer

Danny, I've gone and f***ed my brain. D: Sit down man, take

control. You have a rush. It will pass.

I:

Aren't you getting absurdly high? D: Precisely the reason I'm

smoking it.

Withnail:

I couldn't I'm spaced. D: Not as spaced as you rodents.

I:

Don't talk about them. D: I expect they're talking to each other.

I:

Talking to each other? What do you mean? D: I've dealt with them.

Given 'em all drugged onion.

I:

Why've you drugged their onions!? D: Sit down man, find your

neutral space. You have done something to your brain. You have

made it high. If I lay 10 mills of diazipan on you, you will do

something else to your brain, you will make it low. Why trust one

drug rather than the other. That politics ain't it.

I:

I'm going to eat some sugar. D: I recommend you smoke some more

grass.

I:

No way, no f***ing way. D: That is an unfortunate political

decission.

Withnail:

What are you talking about Danny? D: If you are holding onto a

rising balloon you are presented with a difficult political

decission - let go while you've still got the chance or hold onto

the rope and continue getting higher. That's politics man. We are

at the end of an age. The greatest decade in the history of

mankind is nearly over. They're selling hippy wigs in wolworths.

It is 91 days to the end of the decade and as presuming ed here

has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it

black.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I:

Right, I'm off now.

Withnail:

Already?

I:

My father will pick up my stuff in the week and do something

about the car.

Withnail:

But I've got us a bottle open. Confiscated it from Monte's

supplies. 53 Margaux. Best of the century

I:

I can't Withnail, I'll miss the train.

Withnail:

There's always time for a drink.

I:

I haven't the time.

Withnail:

Alright, I'll walk with you to the station. We can drink it

through the park. [He grabs his coat and an umbrella and takes

the bottle.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Park [It is pouring down with rain. Withnail offer the bottle

to I]

I:

No thankyou, no more. Look, it's a stinker Withnail, why don't

you go home.

Withnail:

Because I want to walk you to the station.

I:

No, really, I really don't want you to. [They stop by the

wolves.]

I:

I shall miss you Withnail.

Withnail:

I'll miss you too. [I departs. Withnail walks to the fence and

leans against it.]

Withnail:

I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth and

indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly

frame the earth seems to me a sterile promotory; this most

excellent canopy the air, look you, this mighty o'rehanging

firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire; why, it

appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of

vapours. What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how

infinite in faculties, how like an angel in aprehension, how like

a God! The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to

me, what is this quintessence of dusk. Man delights not me, no,

nor women neither, nor women neither. [The wolves are

unimpressed. Withnail exits into the rain.]

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