Without A Clue

(Clock chimes)

..

a quick tunnel job and up the stairs,

as pretty as you please.

(Glass shatters)

That's worth over ?10,000.

- We're going to be rich

- Not this time, gentlemen.

Sherlock Holmes!

Watson?

Right you are, Holmes.

Run, Archie. Run or we'll swing for it!

Don't let those ruffians escape.

I am inspector Lestrade. You are under...

There's no escape, my friend.

This will be a pleasure.

- Well done, Watson.

- Are you all right, Holmes?

Quite, which is more than I can say

for John Clay,

one of London's least notorious thieves.

inspector, I have your man.

Come on, sonny.

Well, Mr. Holmes...

..I don't know how, but you've done it again.

Thank you, inspector.

That's high praise indeed,

coming from such a workmanlike detective.

And now, if you have nothing further to add,

I hereby declare this case...closed.

POLICEMAN:

Good We've got kippers for breakfast

Just a minute.

(Door closes)

- You idiot!

- What?

Confound you!

What did l...? What did l...? What did I say?

Watson, what did l say wrong?

I did everything you said, exactly as you said it.

HOLMES:
All right, what did I do?

You're not going to tell me, are you?

All right. You want to know what's wrong?

- Well, I said I did, didn't I?

- I'll tell you what's wrong.

- Don't declare a case is closed...

- Just a minute, Watson.

- My public awaits.

- until I say...

..it's closed.

- Morning, gentlemen.

- Morning, Mr. Holmes.

Sir, how did you know

somebody was tunneling

into the Royal Gallery?

That was very interesting.

There was fresh dirt in the building next door.

Um, fresh dirt...

Would you like to elaborate on that, sir?

It was an elementary deduction

based on the clues at hand.

But didn't Scotland Yard

see the very same clues?

- I see AND observe.

- Isnt that rather redundant?

Describe the front of this building.

Without looking

describe the front of this house

- Well, it's brick.

- Yes.

- It's got...black railings, I think.

- That's right.

And... And windows.

How many windows?

How many?

I don't know.

Quite so. He sees, but he does not observe,

whereas I see AND observe and thus

bring many notorious blackguards to justice.

Hear, hear, sir!

Did I put that reporter in his place?

Just for the record...

..how many windows are there

in the front of this building?

I haven't the foggiest idea.

There are fifteen windows, you fool!

Fifteen!

Yes.

(Starts humming)

Not only that...

Not only that,

but the reporter you just embarrassed,

he knows how to type.

He's somewhat near-sighted

and recently returned from a holiday.

And how do you know that, Watson?

Elementary. From the creases on his wrists

- where a typist presses against the table.

- Watson, do you think

this is a good likeness of me?

Wonderful story, by the way,

but on page two you have me

- admitting a mistake.

- A writer must write of which he knows.

Oh, do you think that's really necessary?

I mean, tarnishing the image, and all that.

Hello!

What have we here?

Something's afoot.

How many times have I told you

to stay away from my experiments?

Something wrong?

I seem to spend an increasing amount

of my precious time

correcting your blunders,

both private and public.

Oh, I see. Its the Clay case.

Are you still in a snit over that?

- if you want my opinion...

- I beg your pardon? Opinion, did you say?

Oh, my God. Not that speech again.

May I remind you, for your information, sir,

- that your opinions are my opinions.

- Oh piffle!

I created the character of Sherlock Holmes,

and hired you merely to play the part,

snatching you, as it were, from the gutter.

Hardly the gutter, old boy.

- After all, I was once an actor of note.

- Whose last play, I believe,

ran a total of one half of one performance.

I'll have you know,

Shadow Of Death with Reginald Kincaid

was a towering work

decades ahead of its time.

RECORD:
Lesson Number Two -

Advanced Bowing

My only regret was that it ended

before the climactic third-act duel.

Too bad you didn't have a chance to see it.

I've no use for theatrical swordplay.

All I ask is that you obey a few simple rules.

Not the least of which is a case is not closed

until I say it's closed.

I think you underestimate

my own native deductive abilities.

(Footsteps)

Listen. You hear those footsteps?

I'd say this was a woman about 5' 5,

weighed about 121/2 stone, age 54.

Voila.

Blown yourseif up again?

Watson, it's for you -

your Baker Street irregulars.

Hello, boys.

Wiggins, give it back.

Just trying to earn a living.

We heard you was looking for us, Doctor.

Yes, boys. There's been some trouble

concerning the break-in at the Royal Gallery.

What? We heard that er...Mr. Holmes

declared the case closed.

All right, all right.

That will prove, after some creative writing,

to be merely a ruse on Mr. Holmes's part.

No, something's not right.

John Clay does not deal in works of art.

I need you boys to have a look around.

Eyes sharp, ears quick.

A copper for your trouble,

and a shilling for what you learn.

WIGGINS:
We'll do our best won't we lads?

- Yeah

Don't let us keep you, boys.

Come on, out!

Don't worry about a thing, Doctor.

We know how much

you could use some real assistance.

There you are. You're making

a laughing stock of me. How can I be...

How can I be expected to maintain a character,

when you belittle me

in front of those hooligans?

Character? Are we talking of the same man

who once declared with total conviction

that the late Colonel Howard had been

bludgeoned to death by a blunt excrement?

is it my fault

if you have such poor handwriting?

(Knock at door)

Anyway, it was just a little mistake.

- He's been at it again.

- I never liked that woman.

Come in, Mrs. Hudson.

- I found it under a loose board in the stairwell.

- Thank you, Mrs Hudson.

An occasional libation enables me

to stiffen my resolve.

Your resolve should be pickled by now.

I don't believe that either of you realise

what pressure I'm under.

Do you know what it's like

to commit to memory

a never-ending list of clues and deductions

to be parroted back to Lestrade and reporters?

Bloodstains on a toothpick, cigar ash,

new soil in the garden next door.

Endless twaddle!

Twaddle? Are you referring

to the systematic gathering of evidence

and the logical deductions based thereon?

I am referring to twaddle!

And you would be well served to include fewer

of these dreary details in future chronicles,

and place greater emphasis on me.

I am, after all, the one

the public really cares about.

Would you be so kind

as to excuse us for a moment?

HOLMES:
Careful Watson Careful

Remember your blood pressure.

MRS HUDSON:
And good riddance

to bad rubbish I must say

Am I to understand

that you are giving me notice?

Let's just say that the curtain has come down

on yet another miserable performance.

Right. Watson...

..I was once a figment of your imagination.

But now Sherlock Holmes

belongs to the whole world.

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