Without A Clue Page #2

At last we're free of that ungrateful baggage,

eh, Mrs. Hudson?

From now on, things are going to be

much more pleasant around here.

An actor?!

Nothing the matter. Nothing at all.

Back to work.

Hold my...

Hold my calls.

We'll start at the beginning...

..shall we?

It was about nine years ago.

One of my patients was a Scotland Yard

inspector investigating the Paxton murder.

I gave him the name of the murderer,

but gave credit to a nonexistent detective.

At the time, I was hoping

for an appointment to the staff

of a rather conservative medical college.

I knew that they'd frown on my little er...

- Hobby?

- Exactly.

Well, I didn't get the appointment.

Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated

public demand to meet this Sherlock Holmes.

So you hired this Reginald Kincaid?

He was an actor.

Unfortunately, he was also a gambler,

a womaniser and a drunkard.

John, you have jeopardised

the integrity of English literature.

Still, I should have known.

He was always borrowing

large sums of money off me and...

..never paying me back.

- The cad.

Oh, don't worry.

We deducted it from your royalties.

Now, tell me, who else knows of this?

No-one.

Except Mrs. Hudson and the irregulars.

But it's time now for the public

to learn the truth.

The truth?

Certainly.

No-one will want to read of that twit again.

His popularity will plummet.

- They'll be desperate for my new creation.

- What new creation?

John Watson, the Crime Doctor.

I could have it ready for your very next issue.

Sit down, John.

John, erm...people buy The Strand Magazine

expecting to read a story

in which Sherlock Holmes solves the case,

not the er...Crime Surgeon.

Crime Doctor.

Crime doctor, crime surgeon, crime dentist -

who cares, really?

Let's face it, Sherlock Holmes

is worth a fortune to the magazine.

You're stuck with him, I'm afraid.

Norman, I'll write what I want.

There's nothing you can do.

The devil, there isn't.

WIGGINS:
Doctor Watson?

- Here come out of there You can't go in there!

- What in the world?

- What is this?

- Sorry, Doctor, but we found something.

- Down by the docks.

- Excellent.

- Hello, ducks. Do you work here?

- if you'll excuse us, we have work to do.

Watson, I'm warning you, it's Sherlock Holmes

or we'll sue you for everything you're worth.

And I mean everything.

Damn. Anyone seen my watch?

- There it is, Doctor.

- Camden Paper Mill.

Burned about four this morning.

- Same time as the Clay robbery.

- On the button!

Good lad! Now we're getting somewhere.

Come on. Let's take a look around.

Went up like a torch, they say.

Well, it's full of wood pulp and paper, you see.

I'm sorry, sir. No-one's allowed in this area.

Its quite all right, I assure you.

Im Dr John Watson.

Er, nobody's sick here, sir.

You...you don't understand.

- John Watson.

- The Crime Doctor.

- That's right. John Watson, the Crime Doctor.

- Crime Doctor?

Never heard of him

Though er...your name sounds a bit familiar.

All right, I'm Dr John Watson,

author of The Sherlock Holmes Mysteries.

Sherlock Holmes?

Yes.

THE Sherlock Holmes?

Yes.

Me and the wife have read

every one of his stories.

All right

- Now, if you'll excuse me.

- I'm sorry, Doctor, I still can't let you in.

Strict orders about that, I'm afraid, but...

Mr. Holmes - did he send you here?

He certainly did not!

Well, perhaps the next time,

you should check with him first, eh?

Save yourself a trip.

You try and fight crime in this city,

and all you hear about is Sherlock Holmes.

What's he like? When will you see him next?

Never, that's when.

Never!

Doctor, dear, keep your voice down.

- Why should l?

- Because you have visitors

Inspector Lestrade and a Lord Smithwick.

Of the Treasury?

Gentlemen won't you come up?

Oh yes thank you very much

- So Mr. Holmes is in is he?

- Doctor Watson will see you

although he is quite busy

at his scholarly pursuits

Gentlemen.

Good afternoon, inspector.

Doctor, this is Lord Smithwick,

Her Majesty's Chancellor of the Exchequer.

- My pleasure, sir.

- His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.

I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.

Oh, how disappointing!

Sir, I really don't think Mr. Holmes'

involvement in this case is at all necessary.

I quite agree.

You do?

However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.

Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?

Mmm, most amusing,

but this is a matter of the gravest urgency.

When do you expect Mr. Holmes?

Not for a while. He's out of town.

Good afternoon.

Well...too bad.

I'm sure we'll be able to get along quite well

- without Mr. Holmes.

- Wait!

Today's Friday isn't it?

Yes, of course it is. Silly me.

Holmes is supposed to be back tonight.

- How fortunate.

- Very well. We shall return at seven tonight.

Come along, lnspector.

Till then, gentlemen.

- I'm afraid we've made this trip for nothing

- Your Lordship I must ask you

Where did you get that hat?

Where did you get that tile?

Isnt it a nobby one?

Its just the proper style

I would like to have one just the same as that

Where'er I go they shout,

Hello! Where did you get that hat?

Where did you get that hat?

Where did you get that tile?

Good evening. Have you seen Peter Brandy

anywhere? He's disappeared.

- Hello Connie love

- Hello.

Ow!

All right!

Who did it?

Come on! Which one of you pinched me?

- Pinched, you say?

- That's right.

May I be of...some assistance?

The name is Holmes. Sherlock Holmes.

Constance Payton, sir. Pleased to meet you.

Charmed.

Now, let's see.

By careful observation

of the patrons of these premises,

I have been able to deduce the identity

of the fiend who pinched you.

Me! Did it again!

- Thank you, my good man.

- Thank you, sir.

(Clears throat) I'll make this brief.

(Clears throat again) I'll make this brief.

I'll make this brief.

I need to see some money, Mr. Holmes.

- Its been five days now.

- See here, my good man.

- Go ahead sir It's on me

- Thank you, sir.

- Watson.

- Hello. How are things?

Couldn't be better. Good health.

I'll miek this brafe.

I'll make this brief. I want you to come back.

- Like I predicted, you need me.

- I do not need you.

Then what are you here for?

I didn't call for you.

All right, l need you, for this one blasted time.

One time, and that's all?

You're going to have to do better than that.

Don't push me

You've already run out of money

This is because you lack the necessary skills

to gain decent employment.

Ah-ha. Wrong, Watson. You see...

..I have been honing my ability

of elementary deductions to a razor's edge.

Observe. Excuse me, sir?

How are things on the Subcontinent?

- I beg your pardon?

- You are a reporter just back from India?

I'm a barrister,

and I've never been to India in my life.

- But you do read The Times?

- Of course.

There you have it.

My card.

I'll ask you just once more.

Are you coming with me or not?

I would rather waltz naked

through the fires of hell.

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