Women In Trouble Page #5

that much clarity.

So l walked out the door

and left forever.

But in my haste,

l left the door open,

and the apartment

across the hall

is being watched by the feds

on a tip that there's

a militia cell

operating out of it.

So these militia goons

dumped a bunch of their trash

in my boyfriend's apartment.

End result:
my boyfriend

ended up doing time

on a terrorist conspiracy.

- So where's the big mistake?

- The big mistake is that

l got paranoid that l was gonna

get dragged into it.

l mean, these court hearings

went on forever.

So when my daughter was born,

l left her in the care

of my sister

and went into hiding.

- They were looking for you?

- No.

l mean, l thought l was like

this big '60s radical,

you know, going underground

and fighting for my beliefs.

They didn't give a rat's ass

about me.

- There's a moral, and it's

gonna be a mind-f***, isn't it?

- The moral is that

by the time l got back

from Amsterdam

to reclaim my daughter,

she had, for all intents

and purposes,

become my sister's daughter.

And l was either

not strong enough

or not weak enough

to take her back.

- Does she even know?

- What she knows is that her mom

and l fight a lot.

They're both in therapy now.

l went to therapy once.

lt didn't do much for me.

- No?

- lt was just some creep

getting off

comparing me to dog sh*t

stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

- He said that?

- He worked in metaphors,

he said,

but the only thing

he seemed to care about

was whether l enjoyed anal sex.

What is it with guys

and anal sex anyway?

Are they all fags?

- lt sure doesn't sound like

you went to the right therapist.

- The only reason l went to him

was to talk to him

about how to deal

with guys just like him.

lnstead, he spent the whole hour

talking to my rack

and informed me

the reason every guy l meet

wants to bang me

is 'cause of my job.

- Where do you work?

- l'm an actress.

- Oh, yeah?

Movies? Television?

- Porn.

- Wow.

Can l ask you, like, how you...

l mean, you're so pretty.

You could be in, like,

normal things.

l mean, not that porn

isn't normal.

lt's just, you know,

l'm just curious, like,

how you got started in that.

- When l first moved out here,

l had this roommate, Riley,

this beautiful hippie girl

from Boulder.

l loved her to death.

We were way behind on our rent,

and she made me come with her

to this so-called audition

as moral support,

no pun intended,

and, uh, that was that.

- Weren't you scared?

- Holy f***.

l was shitting bricks.

My first video, l did a scene

with the legendary Jimmy Haynes.

All penis, that man,

may he rest in peace.

But the second those cameras

started rolling,

l knew exactly what to do.

Maybe it's genetic.

My great-grandmother

was a gypsy sword-swallower,

but l discovered

l have a very real talent

for sucking cock on camera.

Next thing you know,

five years pass

without even blinking.

The coke might have helped

with that,

the non-blinking part.

And then one day, Riley

locks herself in a motel room

and blows her brains out.

- Oh, my God.

- l found out later

her stepfather

was blackmailing her,

the same prick

who had abused her

since she was ten.

What else is new?

My childhood wasn't

all that different.

- l'm so sorry.

- Hey,

what's that saying,

"One man's trash

is another man's treasure"?

Someone else might have turned

my childhood

into a heartbreaking novel.

Not me.

Not yet anyway.

- So are you famous?

- Yeah.

- Really famous?

- Well...okay.

Tyra Doright and Christy Climax

are probably

the most popular girls right now

in terms of web traffic.

But the Tyra Talking Love Doll

is seriously overpriced at $225,

and the arms don't even move

in all directions,

whereas the anatomically correct

Elektra Luxx Vagina Deluxe

retails for 89 bucks and comes

in three different colors.

lt is the number one selling

celebrity vagina on the market.

- Hold on.

Strangers purchase a replica

of your vagina?

- lt vibrates, and it squirts.

Oh, life is so f***ing weird.

l don't even know

what to think sometimes.

- This is the Los Angeles

Fire Department.

Anybody still in here?

- We're in the elevator!

Hey!

Can you hear us?

- Yeah, hold on.

l'll get you right out.

Hey, you guys okay?

- l actually brought her

another espresso

because l did not want her

to say that she was asleep

when l talked to her.

- l can't think of any moment

in my life

that l'd like to relive.

l find myself not really being

nostalgic about anything.

But that can't be, can it?

- l just want to tell her

to just quit caterwauling around

like a goddamned puma

and get her ass in gear.

Mom, just get your act together.

- You're hot.

l'd bang you.

l think about it.

But l don't tell you.

Why?

lt's like a seesaw

in my head.

- Because in my bones,

l know the feeling.

l mean, l think l know.

- And l see that on the tray

are two little fortune cookies,

and l start to crack it open,

and l see the slip.

But l-at this point,

l can't read it

because my eyes

are so fricking swollen.

- l turn the lights down low.

Create a little atmosphere.

- So l bring the waiter over.

l said, "Can you please-

"can you please

just read this to me?

lt's my fortune."

- Yes, no, yes, no,

yes, no.

- l have nostalgia

for something.

lt just hasn't happened yet.

But it's gonna happen,

because if it doesn't,

it's all sh*t.

The whole point is...

like La Migra,

you know what l mean?

Like, l'm Mexico,

and she's America.

- A day without wearing a kilt

is like a day without sunshine.

- l mean, something's

gonna happen.

lt has to, right?

- But when l slipped

into the dress,

l felt...

fat.

- l need your encouragement

here.

l'm paralyzed by all this guilt.

- l'm young,

but l understand loneliness

and how hard it can be.

- What the f*** does that-

what is that?

- l mean, do you-

do you want me

to compliment you

on your cleavage?

- l need you to tell me

that it's okay.

- l mean, isn't "no"

really mean "yes"?

- Maxine,

it's time to wake up.

Maxine, you got to wake up now.

- Maxine, wake up.

- What?

l'm listening.

- We're here.

- Oh, okay.

- Where-where have you-

are you all right?

- Thank God

you're home.

- Thank you.

- Bambi.

- Have we met?

- No.

You're off the hook with me,

lamb chops.

l'm just making sure

she got home safe.

- Well, l thank you for that.

Can l, uh, call you a cab?

- What happened?

- Ah, the neighbors.

Yeah, it's been a crazy night.

You want-l can call you a cab.

- No, what happened to 'em?

- l'm not entirely sure.

Some guys he owed money to

were threatening him

or beating him up or something,

and he had a heart attack.

- Oh, that's awful.

ls he gonna make it?

- Travis.

- Yeah, coming.

l don't really know.

Kind of a shady character.

You sure l can't pay

for your cab fare?

- You know, l'm gonna take

the bus, l think.

- Well, let me cover that.

That's the least l can do.

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