Women In Trouble Page #4

We wouldn't know.

- We would be able to smell it.

- How do you know that?

What do you know about fires?

- My dad was a fireman,

and he told me

the first thing you do

when you are trapped

in an elevator

with a hysterical person

is explain to them that they are

wasting precious oxygen.

- l'm not hysterical.

l'm claustrophobic.

- l'm afraid of heights.

- And l'm afraid of falling.

- l'm pregnant.

- Congratulations.

- Don't.

- ls that why you're here?

- l just found out.

- First one?

- Yes.

Maybe.

- l think you would know.

- Well, if l have it, then, yes,

it will be my first one.

How about you?

- Uh...

l have a niece

that l'm really close to.

That was her mom

l was talking to on the phone

when l came in here.

My sister.

l mean, obviously my sister

is my niece's mom, you know.

And l love her.

lt's just she's sort of like

a really stupid version of me.

- Huh.

Close relationship.

- Too close.

ls there anybody out there?

- One, two.

One, two, three, four.

l used to say l love you

lt wasn't really true

Why l didn't love you

And now l almost do

l used to say l love you

l said it as a threat

Or maybe as a promise

To see what l could get

But my heart

doesn't ache anymore

No, my heart doesn't break

anymore

'Cause it just couldn't take

any more

- Girls' night out?

- Something like that.

- Your friend looks about ready

to pass out.

- Yeah.

She's not really my friend.

- What's wrong with her?

- She caught her husband

with one of her patients.

- She's a doctor?

- Shrink.

Go figure.

- Go figure.

- Women are like flies:

they settle on sugar or sh*t.

- You married?

- No.

Lucky that way.

- Me neither.

ls business always this slow?

- lt picks up in about an hour,

but...

- What?

- lt might not be

your ideal clientele.

What?

You think l look like a pro?

No, l think you look

like a blast.

You ready for another?

- What the hell.

- Some wetback with a broom

just offered me

- What?

Ah, that's Manuel.

What is he-his shift doesn't

start for another hour.

- Well, he sure is cussing up

a storm in the john.

- He's got Tourette's.

He's harmless.

Honest to God.

l'm sorry about that.

- Hey, sh*t happens.

Can l get a pia colada?

- Sure.

- You didn't, did you?

- What?

- Holly.

- l didn't.

Okay, next round's on me.

- You really are a pig.

- l am vulgar, but l have

potential for class.

- Really deep down.

- Like you're the Virgin Mary.

l just made a buck a second.

What's wrong with that?

- Well, for starters,

your facts on the Virgin Mary.

She wasn't actually a virgin.

- You are sick,

you know that?

ls nothing sacred to you?

- Okay, forget it.

What did he look like?

- Five and change.

Pencil-ish.

- The guy's face.

- Oh.

l don't know.

Soccer player

or serial killer type.

His jeans are tight,

like Starsky and Hutch tight.

So it takes me a second

to get it out.

And right off the bat,

he starts barking off speeds,

steering my hand.

"Pronto, pronto, pronto.

"Motherfucking Christ!

"Suave, muchacha, si, si, si.

Motherfucking maricon. "

- How about a beer instead?

- Okay.

- Backseat drivers

are the f***ing worst.

- Yeah, they really mess up

my game.

Yeah, l think l'm gonna stay,

see if l can't turn

this night around.

- Here?

lt's a dyke bar.

- How do you know?

There's nobody in there.

- Trust me.

- Well, l'll take my chances.

- Look, don't stay here.

You're gonna get cruised,

but you're not gonna get paid.

These women get it for free.

- And who made you the expert?

l mean, maybe there's

some curious divorce

who wants somebody

with the touch, you know?

- And you have the touch?

- Excuse me?

- Haven't you been whining

to me all week

about your girl-on-girl scene

fiasco?

- Okay, l ate some bad

Mexican food from catering

that wouldn't stay down.

lt doesn't mean

that l can't eat p*ssy.

l'm not retarded.

- Wait.

You threw up on her?

You didn't tell me that.

- l told you l got sick.

- You told me you felt sick.

You're uncomfortable with women,

you felt sick, you had to stop,

not you were eating her p*ssy

and puked on camera.

That's a big difference.

- l turned away from the camera.

- You know what,

you're lucky l love you so much,

because you're so dumb,

it's freaky.

- l'm dumb?

Who's going straight back

to the lion's den?

Those men probably killed

your stock salesman

and are waiting for us.

- What would you have me do?

Have her drive home?

- l don't know.

Call a cab.

Put her on a bus.

l think you want to help her.

- Yeah, so?

- So you're contracting yourself

all over again.

- l'm what?

Would you listen to yourself

once in a while?

l'm "contradicting" myself.

ls that the term

you're looking for?

How am l doing that?

- Well, you pick on me

all night,

and then you go play

hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold.

- Whatever.

You want to stay, stay.

l'll call you.

- Don't.

Not if it's gonna be like this.

- Okay, Holly.

- And what the f*** do you mean

the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin?

l mean, were you there?

Did you do her?

- She's known as the Virgin Mary

because her mother, Anne,

conceived her

free of original sin.

lt's called

the immaculate conception.

Joseph and Mary were probably

getting it on the whole time.

The guy was a carpenter.

- And what exactly does that

have to do with me?

- You asked me.

- Because you

brought it up before.

So we're even Stephen.

- You sure she saw you?

- Positive.

She was creeping

down the stairs.

l wouldn't have a prayer

in a lineup.

- Man, look at those legs.

We're gonna be sawing all night.

Come on.

Let's get this over with.

Whatever you do,

don't scream.

Bobby?

- How much do you like

your balls?

- Have you ever made

a really bad mistake?

One thing you can never

forgive yourself for?

- l can pick only one?

- l'm serious.

- Who was joking?

- When l was 25,

l got knocked up by this guy,

this angel of death

with beautiful blond curls

and a mean streak.

He was young and...

apocalyptic.

And l loved him so much,

l didn't even realize

l had a meth problem.

- This is that moment, right?

- What moment?

- On the bus,

when the complete stranger

tells you they got cancer.

- l wouldn't know.

l drive a car.

- Sorry.

Uh, go on.

- Go on what?

- With the story

about your boyfriend,

the meth dealer.

l'm not sharing anything

with you now.

- Uh, please.

l am a great listener.

Perhaps l've had

one of those days.

Come on.

You were pregnant,

and your boyfriend was a dealer.

- Hmm.

So this one morning,

l'm puking my guts out,

the first trimester.

My boyfriend's trying to sleep.

He comes storming out

of the bedroom

and starts beating me

with a wire hanger

and telling me to shut up,

that he's trying to get

his beauty rest.

And l just started laughing,

'cause in that moment,

l realized that if he ever knew

that l was pregnant

with his kid,

l would never be free of him.

- Hmm.

- l don't think l had ever felt

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