Woody Woodpecker

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WOODY:
Wood.

Peanut butter. Oh, yeah, peanut butter.

I love peanut butter.

- Huh?

Did you hear that?

Yeah, me, too. Better go check it out.

NATE:
Yeah, no poaching.

NATE:
Why you gotta eat them

damn things for anyway?

-You're gonna rot your teeth.

-WOODY:
Mmm-hmm...

Poachers in my forest!

This ought to be fun. Game on.

Hello, boys. Guess who?

What in the hell kind of bird is that?

WOODY:
I'm gonna give

you guys five seconds...

It sure is angry about something.

...to get you and your guns outta here.

-NATE:
Well, it ain't no eagle...

-Do you hear me?

But somebody will surely pay

to have it stuffed.

Guns? Oh, no. What ever will I do?

Toro! Toro!

Ol!

Come on! That the best you got?

Shoot him!

Over here now!

Nice shot.

Now let's try this with a moving target!

NATE:
Reload! Come on! Reload!

WOODY:
Yoo-hoo!

Looking for me? Whoa!

Too slow. Gotta go.

Over there! There he is.

Marco?

Polo!

Peekaboo! Over here!

NATE:
Gotcha!

Okay, boys.

You got me fair and square. I give up.

-Not!

-Nighty-night, boys.

Did you...

And I'm the one with a brain

the size of a walnut?

Puh-lease!

STAFF:
Speech! Speech! Speech!

All right, all right, all right.

Now, raise your glasses,

and here's to our victory

and here's to our team.

Barb, come on in. Join the party.

Actually, Lance, we need to talk.

LANCE:
Terminated?

I just won a case for this firm

worth millions, and I'm being terminated?

...another thing.

Since when do we need to be

so overly concerned

with the rights of wildlife?

Wildlife don't vote.

Wildlife don't pay taxes.

Big Oil creates big jobs.

When's the last time

you ever saw a bear create a job?

Barb, come on.

Fifteen years of

busting my butt for this firm.

Not to mention,

the biggest case you've ever won.

And you're gonna fire me?

VANESSA:
Fired?

They can't do that.

Actually, turns out they can.

We will sue.

Sue one of the toughest

law firms in the country?

Not a great idea.

Don't worry, baby. I got a plan.

Are you gonna smear them on social media?

I was thinking something

a little more mature.

Mmm.

My grandfather left me

an amazing piece of property

right up near the Canadian border.

We are going to create a country estate.

Look at me.

Look what I'm wearing.

I can't. I'm a city girl!

We're not gonna live in it.

We're gonna flip it.

Take a huge profit.

I'm gonna start my own firm.

Success is the best revenge.

NATE:
Nope. Nope.

That's it! That's the one we saw!

"The pileated

red-crowned woodpecker.

"Thought to be extinct...

"Last one sold on the black market for..."

Get this. $500,000!

OTIS:
Holy moly! I could

buy me that blue suede tux.

Or one of them monster trucks.

All I know is that bird

is out there in the woods someplace,

just waiting for us to bag it!

Home sweet home!

And no one around to bother me.

And this is gonna be great.

I gotta tell you,

this is the first time in a long time

I'm actually excited about something.

Careful.

Oh.

Lance, look who is here.

Linda! What a nice surprise.

May we come in?

Of course.

Hey, Tommy. How you doing, bud?

LINDA:
My dad is in the hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I always liked your dad

even though he hates my guts.

He doesn't hate your guts.

No, he told me.

He actually said, "I hate your guts."

It's a little hard to misinterpret that.

Look, I'm leaving on a flight

to Philadelphia at 10:00.

I need your help. I need you

to watch Tommy for a while.

-LANCE:
Uh...

- No way. No.

If this were any other time,

I would be happy to help.

-But this is not any other time.

I'm sorry my dad didn't ask

if it was convenient for you

before he had a stroke.

LANCE:
I'm starting construction

on a big project.

Can't you just take him with you?

No, I have a family crisis.

You hardly ever see your son!

It is time for you to step up to the plate

and do your part.

You know what? I'm sorry, Linda.

The timing is just really bad.

I can't do it.

I'm sorry, I would like to help you,

but I can't.

And that's final.

My hands were tied. You saw that.

Yeah, I know. But I'm not a kid person.

Even when I was a kid.

I need a Xanny.

I feel a migraine coming on.

LANCE:
Hey, Tommy.

Tommy, take off your headphones, please.

Look, it's not that I don't

appreciate the drumming,

because it's awesome.

But can you maybe drop it down

a few decibels, please?

Fine. I won't play ever again.

Happy now, Lance?

"Lance"?

What happened to "Dad"?

I know you don't want me here.

The only kid you want in your life

is your girlfriend.

You know what,

Vanessa is not a kid. She's much...

Much older-ish than you are.

Look, your mom's right.

We haven't had a chance

to spend much time together lately.

So we can just look at this trip

as an opportunity to bond.

Good talk.

LANCE:
Well, we are here.

By "here," do you mean middle of nowhere?

Just wait till you see it.

Oh, come on. Would you just look at this?

Pristine, untouched.

I cannot wait to get a bulldozer in here

and start building.

Petty exciting, huh, bud?

Yay.

I'm telling you, baby,

if a house on this site

does not quadruple our investment,

I don't know what will.

Come here, let me show you.

Uh, Lance, these shoes...

Baby, wait,

my shoes are not made for that!

Okay, so the front door

is gonna be somewhere about here.

And then...

Boom!

Two-story vaulted ceiling,

stunning view of the river,

opens up to a state-of-the-art kitchen.

-TOMMY:
Awesome!

-I know, right?

I'm getting five bars!

Five bars! Yeah, that is awesome.

Ah!

LANCE:
Let's go.

This place really needs to be fumigated.

Oh, campers!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Mmm, there's granola bars, corn chips,

ice cream, snack cakes, corn nuts,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Grill's ready!

-Don't you dare post that.

-Too late.

#epicdadgrillfail

Mmm, it is so coffee o'clock.

Will you make me

a double macchiato, please?

Sure, dear.

-Hi, there.

-Hi.

Hey, welcome.

You must be Ben Walters' grandson.

How'd you know that?

Because you look exactly like him.

Spitting image.

-You knew my grandfather?

-He came up every summer.

Taught me how to fish on this river.

No kidding.

Shoot. Where are my manners?

I'm Sam Barlett,

Park Ranger in charge of the state land

that surrounds your property.

Lance Walters.

This is my fiance, Vanessa.

Hi.

That's my son, Tommy,

the mythical half boy, half smartphone.

Just swung by on my rounds.

We've had a problem

with bird poachers in the area.

So if you see anyone suspicious,

please let me know.

Will do.

I hear you're building a house up here.

Breaking ground tomorrow.

You wanna see it?

It's very blue.

5,000 square feet, every amenity.

And I'm decorating it.

Yeah, you are.

-5,000 square feet for three people?

Hope you won't be cramped.

Oh! No. Well, we're not

building it to live in.

I mean, live here?

Uh, get real.

It's an investment property.

We're gonna flip it.

SAM:
I see.

Don't you think it'll, kind of,

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