Worlds Greatest Dad Page #2

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Kyle, right now you're

on academic probation

and your grades show

no sign of improvement.

If you don't straighten up,

I'm going

to have to expel you.

- Do you understand?

- Yes, Mr. Anderson.

I do understand.

Now get out of here.

And no more trouble.

Wait for me outside.

Lance,

this isn't easy for me.

What isn't easy,

Mr. Anderson?

How's Kyle been acting

at home?

I mean, does he seem

normal to you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. You and I both know

that sometimes

these things take

a long time to surface.

What things?

Well, I think that Kyle's

poor grades and acting out

show signs of a serious

development problem.

He belongs in

a special-needs school

where he can get the proper attention

and care that he requires.

- What?

- That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Sir, he's... he's not slow.

He's just being a pain.

Give him another chance.

Well, I have.

I've given him many chances.

That's true.

(sighs)

All right.

All right, but he'd better start showing

signs of improvement and quickly.

And he's got to stop

disturbing the other students.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- You're grounded.

- I'll run away.

Oh, and live

with your mother?

And her boy-toy Todd?

That's a great idea.

- I'll take away your computer.

- No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

Jesus christ, Kyle,

what did I do

to deserve this?

I didn't ask to be born.

Neither did I.

Boo hoo.

Woman:

You are so funny!

Wait, read from here.

Starting there.

- What are you reading?

- "We don't experience it

as a restriction!"

- What's that?

- Oh, God, you are so funny.

It's... come here.

Give it to me.

- Oh, this is embarrassing.

- Mike got published

- in "The New Yorker."

- "New Yorker"!

- Hello!

- "The New Yorker"?

Woman:
It's about

the first robot that joins the NBA.

- It's like a parody about racism.

- Miss Reed:
Racism.

- It's hysterical.

- No, it isn't.

No, it is seriously so good.

Called "I, Forward."

Get it?

Yeah, like "I, Robot."

- Right, but "I, Forward."

- Yeah.

It's... it's really hard

getting in "The New Yorker."

- It is?

- Yeah, really.

It's the first thing

I submitted.

Woman:
That's amaz...

I'm amazed.

The first thing? No.

- That's great. Good for you.

- What's that?

Mike got published

in "The New Yorker."

You don't say!

May I see it?

- Sure.

- It's about racism.

Hot dog! Now don't go

getting too famous on us.

- (all laughing)

- What's that?

Mike published an article

in "The New Yorker."

- Take a look at that.

- Ho ho!

Right on.

You dog, you dog!

- Yeah!

- (all cheering)

This should be read

at assembly.

Now that is a great idea.

Mike, would you read it

at the assembly?

If you twist my arm,

all right.

(all cheering)

May I take this

with me?

- Yeah, sure.

- Can I read it after him?

That's awesome.

Congratulations.

Hey, blow my whistle.

Come on..."The New Yorker"!

For "The New Yorker"!

Yeah!

(all cheering)

Wow, I cannot wait

to get my own copy.

"New Yorker."

It's not a national,

- but that's amazing.

- No.

Actually, it is

a national magazine.

- It's national.

- Really?

Whoa, I didn't know that.

Mmm.

How's Kyle?

Great.

Raising a son is so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my Hunter is

the best thing that ever happened to me.

But man, can he be a handful.

- How old is he?

- Two, going on 20.

Oh, God.

The kid's a player.

Well, I wonder where

he gets that from.

- I have no idea.

- (laughs)

How's he dealing

with the separation?

Real well.

I didn't know

you were separated.

Yeah.

It's been tough,

but his mother and I were supposed

to make a baby together.

We just weren't supposed

to live together.

- That's so sad.

- Yeah.

Thanks.

How often do you see him?

Every other weekend.

They're not kidding when

they say that raising a child

is the toughest job

you'll ever love.

Mmm. Well, you sound

like a great dad.

Ah, well,

I try my best.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

(rockets firing)

Hi, Andrew.

Hey.

I enjoy our little chats.

Woman's voice:

Oh, yeah.

- Kyle?

- Hi... hi, Dad.

- What are you doing?

- What? Nothing.

What's Andrew doing here?

What, Andr... don't bother

Andrew, all right? He has asthma.

Then he shouldn't be

having milk products.

- What?

- Listen, you're grounded.

- Send him home.

- I can't send him home, Dad!

God, man, you never

listen to me.

I told you,

he doesn't have a father

and he has a mother

who's an alcoholic.

Kyle, send him home. You don't get

to have friends over.

Fine, you know what?

You can send him home.

I'm not gonna do that

to this guy.

Okay? You don't care about

anyone but yourself.

- Kyle?

- You're so... what?

- What do you want?

- Do you want to do some homework?

I would love to, but I can't.

You have to go home.

Why?

Oh, well, that's a question

for my father.

Fine, Andrew can stay.

You can do homework.

Oh, you can stay now!

You can...

go on, get in. Shut up.

Oh, you're gonna tell me

to shut up now.

- Yeah, I am.

- Prick.

(distant dog barking)

Mr. Clayton, do you

have anything to eat?

Sure, Andrew.

Uh, I'm a vegetarian.

(laughs)

Here you go, Andrew.

It's just cheese.

I hope you're okay

with that.

- Be careful. It's hot.

- Thanks, Mr. Clayton.

Kyle, let's see

how much you've got here.

Oh, online. Well,

"Farmers relied on good soil,

worker animals,

sunshine and...

perspiration."

You mean like sweat?

No, perspiration...

when it rains!

Uh, that's...

that's precipitation.

- (Andrew exhaling)

- No, I meant "sweat."

Oh.

It's hot. You want

something to drink, Andrew?

No.

You okay?

I'm trying to write.

- Sorry.

- Please.

- (cell phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Lance:
Hey.

- Hi.

As soon as I finish helping Kyle

with his homework,

I'm coming over to your house

and putting my penis in your vagina.

(laughs)

That's a single entendre.

Oh, I should have

called you earlier.

I didn't get to the store

so I didn't make chili.

Oh. Well, I'll

take you out to dinner.

Oh, I don't know

if that's a good idea.

I mean, we really shouldn't go out

where students might see us.

Well, you know what? I'll pick up

some takeout and bring it over.

Oh, would you just hate me

if we did this tomorrow night instead?

I'm just not feeling that great,

and it's already kind of late.

No. No, tomorrow

night'll be great.

Okay.

Are you sure you're

not mad at me?

No, not at all.

Okay.

Then good night, sugar.

Good night, popsicle.

(sighs)

Let's see how you're doing

on that report, huh?

- It's good.

- Yeah.

See, Kyle?

What are you doing?

- Cool down.

- Oh.

What time do you

have to be home, Andrew?

It doesn't matter.

Well, you know,

it's just 9:
30.

We can go to a video store,

get a movie.

Are you stupid?

I hate watching movies.

You used to like watching

movies when you were a kid.

Yeah, only 'cause

you wanted me to.

Movies are for losers

and art fags.

Oh.

What would you like to do?

Um...

can Andrew and I play "Doom"

on my computer?

Yeah.

Just "Doom," nothing else.

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