Worlds Greatest Dad Page #3

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I like your dad.

My dad?

He's a f***ing idiot.

Boy:

"Insanity laughs

Under pressure we're cracking

can't we give ourselves

one more chance?

Why can't we give love

One more chance?

Why can't we give love

Give love

Give love..."

Stop.

Jason, you didn't

write that.

That's a Queen/Bowie song:

"Under Pressure."

What were you thinking?

I didn't think

you knew that one.

Jason, I'm white.

- Oh, boy.

- Sit down.

Thank you.

Guys, why are you here

if you're not gonna even try?

Poetry is about saying

something from your heart,

something personal.

Okay?

Yes, Ginger?

I have something

that's kind of personal.

Great. Go ahead.

"It was raining

yesterday afternoon

Water dripping off the lilac bushes

my mother loves

And as I sat and watched the blood

pour out from between my legs

And felt the pain

of motherhood myself

I wondered if it would have

been a boy or a girl."

Thank you.

That was very personal.

Thanks.

If you ever need to talk

to someone, I'm here.

Why?

- (kids laughing)

- (bell rings)

Woman singing:

Yes, it's a good day

For singing a song

And it's a good day

For moving along

Yes, it's a good day

How could anything

be wrong?

A good day

from morning till night

And it's a good day

For shining your shoes

And it's a good day...

Hello, lamb chop.

Hello, honeydew melon.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Something's bothering you.

Do you like Mike?

What are you talking about?

Don't get mad. I mean,

I know we've never talked

about not seeing

anyone else.

I'm sorry I said that.

L...

are we still on for dinner?

I've got a gal

that's always late

Every time we have a date

But I love her

Yes, I love her

I'm gonna walk right up

to her gate

And see

if I can get it straight

'cause I want her

I'm gonna ask her

I'm gonna say,

"Is you is or is you ain't

My baby?

The way you're acting

lately makes me doubt..."

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Miss Reed:
Hello, jerk.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, you're

a real shitbird.

Don't let it

happen again.

I am such a jerk.

And it will never

happen again.

(laughing)

Mmm, a woman

is a creature...

- Hello?

- I'm in here!

That has always been

strange

Just when you're

sure of one

You find she's gone

and made a change...

Oh, great. Thanks.

Is you is or is you ain't...

That's great.

It's an interesting piece.

- Yeah? You're an interesting piece.

- Oh!

(both moaning)

This is just

like high school, right?

Ah. Except I didn't have

any girlfriends in high school.

Oh, well, those girls

were idiots.

I would have

been your girlfriend.

Oh.

If we had a time machine,

let's see...

mmm...

I'd be in high school

and you'd be a fetus.

- I think that's...

- No, that's not cool.

No, not cool.

(both muttering)

Ala la la la.

Girl:

Weekend summary:

We did nothing,

followed by nothing,

with a grand finale

of nothing.

About time, Felter.

I think they're doing it.

What?

You... you think

that they're f***ing?

Andrew, Andrew, look,

you have to know that f***ing p*ssy

is virgin sh*t, all right?

When I'm with a b*tch,

I just go straight for the brown-eye.

- What?

- I stick my cock in her a**hole.

I got that part, but you've never

been with a woman.

F*** you.

Kyle, I'm always with you.

I know.

No, you're not always with me.

- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.

Loser.

Oh, you're f***ing f***ed!

- You're f***ing...

- Let it go, Kyle. They're not worth it.

"Aha," yeah. That's right,

laugh it up, you f***ing whores.

(Kyle moans)

Don't be shy.

There you go.

Ahh, yeah.

Oh.

Lance:

Hey, buddy, what you doin'?

I'm doing my homework.

What does it look like I'm doing?

Oh.

What?

Nothing. Need a hand?

You know, your report, or...

No. No, it's... no.

Okay.

Hey, listen, I'm going

on a date tonight.

And if you're hungry, I could fix you

some food before I go.

You're going on a date

with who?

Well, no one's

supposed to know

because it could cause

problems at school.

Claire.

Claire?

Do I know this claire?

Miss Reed. Hmm?

Really? You're going out

with the TILF, that's great.

- The what?

- TILF...

- "Teacher I'd like to f***."

- Nice mouth.

Hey, it's just what the other

kids at school call her.

What do you think

about Miss Reed?

Well, she's got a hot body,

helmet's okay.

- Do her from behind.

- Hey, come on now!

Kyle, when did you become

such a pervert?

You sound like

your uncle Pete.

There's more

to a woman than that.

What do you think about

her personality?

Oh, um, nah.

She's pretty stuck-up

and she's a phony.

Why do I even

tell you these things?

(phone beeps)

(ringing)

- Hello?

- Hey.

- Hi.

- We still on for some vittles?

Oh, I'm so sorry

I didn't call you sooner.

My mother is having

a nervous breakdown.

Her dog got burnt

by a hair crimper.

They were playing fetch or something...

she's f***ing bananas.

Ahh.

I'm so sorry about tonight.

You're not mad, are you?

Mmm, not at all.

Okay, good night, cupcakes.

Good night,

watermelon sherbet.

When I get high

This world's so nice

When I get high

It's paradise...

(woman coughing)

Your pot smells like sh*t.

- Oh. Oh, sorry.

- That's okay.

- Would you like some?

- Are you kidding?

- I can barely breathe.

- (inhaler spurts)

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Oh.

(coughing)

However,

if you were to offer me

some pot brownies,

I wouldn't say no.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Tonight when you're

getting changed,

would you mind pulling

your bedroom drapes?

Why?

I think my son watches you.

Get out of here.

No no. I think

he watches you change.

Your son?

Mm-hmm.

I thought he was a zombie.

I wish. I like zombies.

Oh, yeah, you do?

Me too. I do.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Oh, I like the early zombie movies

like "Night of the Living Dead."

- Me too.

- Oh, yeah, don't watch that one alone.

- I don't like the new ones.

- No.

- Zombies are too fast, you know?

- Yeah, too fast. Yeah.

I believe, like Simon Pegg said,

that death is an impediment,

not an energy drink.

(laughing)

(funk music playing)

What you doing?

Jesus, Dad.

You almost made me crap.

Did you get

your homework done?

Yeah, a long time ago.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- What...

are you stoned?

No.

Seriously, you smell like pot.

Are you smoking pot?

- No.

- You can tell me.

- No.

- You're not using grass?

No, you don't use grass.

No.

Then what's...

what's that smell?

What smell?

It's probably a skunk outside

or something, you know.

Oh yeah, sure, a skunk.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we do something

together tomorrow?

Why?

'Cause you feel bad?

Yeah. No.

I mean, it'd be just fun to do

something together, you know?

- Okay.

- Mmm.

Yeah. Yeah,

like build a rocket.

Sure, if you want to.

That's retarded.

Yeah.

- What do you want to do?

- Nothing.

Oh, come on now, Kyle, you must be

passionate about something.

- You want to know what I like?

- Yeah.

- I like looking at vaginas...

- Ahh.

...all day long.

(laughs)

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