Worlds Greatest Dad Page #4

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- There you go.

- Yeah.

But maybe do something

non-vagina related.

You know, outside the vagina.

Okay, uh,

we could go to the mall.

Okay. And then

we'll catch a movie.

Yeah, sure,

at the mall, you know?

And then we'll maybe

look for a new computer.

No no, we'll just hang.

Dad, did I tell you that

we had to buy a new computer?

No, I said... if you

were listening to me...

that we could look

for a new computer, okay?

And then we'll go

to your movie.

Okay. But we're not buying

a new computer.

Yeah, all right.

Sounds fun.

This isn't

the biggest screen.

Jesus christ,

how about a "thank you"?

Are you on your period

or something?

Can I not say anything?

Hey, isn't that... isn't that

Mike with Miss Reed?

Yeah, it is.

Dude, I wouldn't let

my b*tch treat me that way.

- You don't have a "b*tch."

- How do you know?

- Hi, Kyle.

- Hey.

- Mr. Clayton.

- Hello, Andrew.

Oh, wow, so he got it

for you. Sweet.

Not that sweet.

It's not the biggest one.

What... Dad, we're gonna

go home and hook this up.

What about going

to the movies?

Dad, we'll go

to dinner later!

Okay, fine.

Uh, what are you

gonna do, Mr. Clayton?

Oh, probably go to the movies

by myself, Andrew.

Andrew!

What are you doing?

You're carrying that

the rest of the way.

What, are you gonna cry?

F***ing p*ssy.

God damn it.

(cell phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Hey, it's me.

What did you do today?

I was with Mike. He was having

a breakdown about his divorce.

He was depressed 'cause

he had to go to this wedding,

so I went with him to the mall

and helped him pick up a suit to wear.

I know, I saw you two there.

You did?

Why didn't you say hi?

I don't know.

It seemed weird.

Does it bother you

that I have male friends?

No, it bothers me you keep

our relationship secret

and you're out

in public with him.

Okay. What are you

doing tonight, hmm?

Let's go out.

We'll go out someplace fancy,

someplace the world

can see us.

How about

Outback Steakhouse?

Oh.

Anyone who's anybody

will be there.

You know, we can have

Aussie-Tizers...

You know, wait, I can't.

I promised Kyle I'd take him out.

Let me take

both of you out.

- It'll be my treat.

- Really?

Oh. That's so nice.

- Hey, Kyle.

- I'm in here.

Why do you always

tip over this photo?

'Cause I hate it.

I look inbred.

I think you look handsome.

We're going out to dinner

tonight with claire.

What? No.

- No, we're not.

- Oh, come on.

- I thought she was seeing Mr. Lane.

- No no.

They're just friends and she's trying

to help him out through a tough time.

Why am I explaining

this to you, Kyle?

Dad, okay, look,

it's bad enough being

seen with a teacher as a dad,

but being seen

with two teachers is AIDS.

Okay, get dressed.

Put on something nice.

If you don't act right at dinner,

I'll stab you in the face.

So what do you like

to do, Kyle?

Nothing.

Nothing? You must like

to do something.

No.

Kyle just got a new monitor

for his computer.

So what do you like

to do on the computer?

Oh, well, you know,

it's funny you ask.

- I like...

- Games, mostly.

- Kyle, who are you texting?

- Andrew.

Why don't you give it a break

while we're eating, son?

No, I can't do that.

It's important.

Put it away.

(chuckles)

So, Kyle,

do you have a girlfriend?

I'm not gonna talk to you

about my personal affairs.

- Okay.

- Ooh.

Watch out.

Are you guys doing it?

Yeah, all the time.

Non-stop.

I'm hurting right now.

(laughs)

Let's not make me

throw up.

So do you play sports?

No no.

I'm a big spaz like my dad.

Well, I was on the dive team

in college.

Diving is not really

a sport, it's falling.

I'm sorry.

No offense.

It's just funny.

Hey, why don't we rent

a movie after dinner?

Sure, as long as

it's not horror.

- Really?

- I do not like horror.

Zombies? Are you

okay with zombies?

- No.

- Oh.

Do you like musicals?

I love musicals.

Bob Fosse

was a great director.

He did "Sweet charity"

- and "All That Jazz."

- "Cabaret."

One of the great

Nazi musicals of all time,

besides "The Sound

of Music," you know?

Then he did "Star 80."

That was not a musical, but...

- I only like the musicals.

- Oh, well.

- Me too.

- "Willy Wonka."

- Which one?

- Lance:
Well, Gene Wilder.

- (beeping)

- I like Johnny Depp.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- But you know what?

I like Gene Wilder...

- (beeps)

...in "Young...

- Both:
Frankenstein."

"What hump?"

Did you see it?

- No.

- Oh, you should.

- It's amazing.

- Really wonderful.

Yeah.

Everybody's seen it.

- I'm sure.

- Yeah.

- Night, Miss Reed.

- Good night, Kyle.

Do you think you're gonna

hit that sh*t tonight?

- Shut up!

- Come on, dude.

That sh*t's tight, dude.

Seriously, if you don't nail her...

hey hey, if you don't nail her,

dude, you're...

- you're an a**hole.

- Will you stop it?

Don't act like you don't think

about p*ssy all the time too.

- I know you do.

- Kyle.

You're dropping me off first,

I get it. You want me to go.

I just wanna say good night

to her alone.

- Okay?

- With your cock.

Kyle, you ruin everything.

Would you

just shut the f*** up?

Jesus, man. You f***ing

need to get laid. Go over there.

I'll be right back.

All right. Don't do anything

I wouldn't do, okay?

Short of killing her,

that leaves me a lot of room.

Hey, baby.

See you tomorrow, Kyle.

Night, whore.

Hey.

- That was fun.

- The kiss?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll show you something, come on.

- Not tonight.

- Wow.

Are you shooting

me down?

Listen, I'd love to stay,

but I promised Kyle I'd be right back.

Kyle doesn't like me.

Oh no.

He likes you a lot.

- No.

- Mm-hmm.

He told me that

when I dropped him off.

- He did?

- Yeah.

He said I was a lucky guy.

No, I'm the lucky guy.

I gotta go.

Oh, come on.

He's almost an adult.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

How are you gonna drive

home with that boner, huh?

I don't know. There's a stick-shift

joke there somewhere

but I can't find it 'cause

all the blood's leaving my brain.

- Sleep well.

- Hey.

Oh, that's sweet.

Mmm.

- I'll call you tomorrow.

- Oh. Boo.

- You're mean.

- Good night, sweet pea.

Good night,

cream cheese.

You know l... oh!

- Hmm?

- Damn you.

You sure?

I'm back.

Kyle.

Hey, Kyle.

Oh, Kyle.

I told you to stop doing that.

Kyle?

Don't be afraid

It's only love

Don't be afraid

It's only love

Don't be afraid

It's only love

Don't be afraid

It's only love

Love is simple

Don't be afraid

You're already dead

Don't be afraid

You're already dead

Don't be afraid

You're already dead

Don't be afraid

You're already dead

Love is simple

La la la la la

La la la la la.

Welcome back, Lance.

Hi.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

If you need more time off,

take it.

Nobody here would

fault you for that.

No, I'm okay.

Thanks.

Ginger.

Hey, Mike.

It's good to have

you back, Lancelot.

Thanks.

Mr. Clayton.

Andrew.

How are you doing?

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry

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