Worst Friends

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1

[silence]

[man]

1, 2, 3...

[dog barking]

So I'll be Batman for Halloween.

You can be Alfred.

- Alfred?

- Yeah.

Why not Robin, his sidekick?

Batman doesn't need a sidekick.

He needs somebody to pick up

his dry cleaning.

- Wait.

- What?

- That's Rita.

- So what?

So what?

This is my chance.

Are you kidding me?

Those are

high school girls, Jake.

Listen, walk like

10 steps behind me.

When I reach her,

go hide behind Mrs. Gomez's bush

and wait for us to leave.

It's Miss Gomez.

She got a divorce.

Just hide behind

the Mexican lady's bush, Sam.

Why can't I just walk ahead

of you and go to school?

Because if Rita rides

the tard cart,

I don't want to walk the rest

of the way to school alone.

[no audible dialogue]

So, Mr. Sanderson,

is this right?

Mr. Sanderson,

I think this is right.

Nope.

No, it's wrong.

You're never going

to get that one right.

No, no, no.

I meant even someone

old enough to take the SATs

would have trouble with that.

Well...

maybe not.

But you're 11,

for Christ's sakes.

It's not a big deal you're not

smart enough for this.

My mom thinks

I'm smart enough for it.

You know what?

Your mom's delusional.

Sam, I don't think you're

the right person for this job.

Just remember, Linda, I got

a perfect score on my SATs,

and I never went to college.

Great SAT score

doesn't mean a great future.

You owe me $60 for the hour.

My rental just got a flat.

No, I've never changed a tire

in my life.

I'm not gonna start now.

Just gonna jog it out.

I don't know that I want you

to meet my dad just yet or ever.

I'm literally seeing him

as I walk down the aisle,

meeting his new wife as she

takes off her goddamn veil.

It's a quick in and out.

What the f***?

No, no. I'm not involving

you because I love you.

Listen, everything

you don't like about me,

that's my dad times a million.

- I really don't wanna fight...

- [bell ringing]

[tires screech]

- [crash]

- [horn honks]

Oh, f***. Don't move.

Let me get your dad.

Jakey?

There you are.

We thought we lost you, man.

I was just watching the Yanks

in the other room.

They played her commercial

like six times.

Jersey Junkers!

We'll kill you

with lower prices.

Do you recognize the voice?

She does all the voices.

I sent you the YouTube, right?

How do you feel?

[mumbles]

- Come again, Jake?

- What... happened?

Oh, well, uh, you got into

a fight with a car, kiddo.

- The car won.

- [laughter]

Kiddo, I want you to formally

meet my beautiful bride.

This is Cassandra.

You got married?

Of course.

We got the skinny on you,

and then, you know, we just

went on with the ceremony.

I am exhausted.

The deejay played every song

I asked him to.

Your father.

I got video of it.

Don't worry.

Don't you have tutoring today?

Nah.

I think I got fired.

Why would they fire you?

You got a perfect score

on your SATs.

There's no better tutor

in this town.

I was tutoring a 10-year-old.

They can't take the SATs

that young.

Exactly.

Kids aren't smart enough then.

Right.

Well, that's just silly.

I know.

You win some, you lose some.

I'll just pick up some more

shifts at St. Vincent's.

I'll figure it out, Mom.

We'll be okay.

I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

Did you hear about Jacob?

- Who?

- Jacob. Jake.

No.

What about him?

Jake, everything's

gonna be fine.

You got like a month of

physical therapy, and that's it.

No big deal. Plus you got

the run of the house,

and we just renovated

and everything.

[Jake] What the f***

are you talking about?

We're gonna get out

of your hair, kiddo.

No big deal.

Hey, where are you going?

- It's our honeymoon, kiddo.

- Don't call me that.

Your honeymoon?

I can't be alone.

Well, you can't come with us,

Jake, that's nuts.

Whoa, whoa! Wait!

I don't wanna go with you.

I want you to stay.

Jake, you're gonna get in

a good five or six car accidents

in your life.

I only get one honeymoon

with this beautiful woman.

Be reasonable.

Now, look, we're gonna push our

flights back a couple of days,

and when we do leave, you're

gonna get the best in-house care

money can buy, okay?

Come on!

Go!

[woman on TV] ...is best

known for its birds.

They gather here each winter

in great numbers.

- [doorbell rings]

- I got it.

You call those specialists yet?

You're leaving tomorrow.

Yeah. I just got to confirm,

you know, a few things.

Hey, Jake, there's someone

named Sam here to see you.

- Sam?

- Yeah.

Like a squirrely little

Jewish kid?

I don't know. He could

be Italian or something.

Hey, buddy!

What's going on?

- How are you, Mr. Kitner?

- Fine, fine, fine.

So, what you got going on

these days?

Nothing much.

Heard Jake got into an accident.

Yeah, yeah,

on the way to my wedding.

Selfish son of a b*tch.

It's always got to be

about him, right?

All finished?

Yeah.

Hey, Cassandra, do me a favor.

Grab that desk lamp,

plug it in over there.

Sure thing, kiddo.

Ugh...

So, anyway, you working?

You got anything...

Making any money?

Actually, times are

kinda tough right now.

I just lost a client.

Oh, yeah?

What do you do for a living?

I'm a tutor, uh,

for the SATs.

So, you know, just, uh...

- Is Jake here?

- Hmm?

- Jake?

- Yeah, no, totally.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, run up and see him.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

Uh, catch me on your way back.

Yeah.

Would you like

something to drink?

Maybe a glass of water.

Who's there?

It's Sam, man.

I heard about the accident.

- Who?

- Sam.

Sam Sanderson

from back when we were kids.

Who's talking?

Sam Sanderson.

Geez, man.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, yeah.

I hear you're doing really well.

Well, I've been better,

considering.

You know, I was considering

calling you.

Just been a lot of sh*t

between us.

It's been a really long,

long time.

I can't say that enough.

Long time from what?

Ohh!

I can't see you.

My vision's going in and out.

Are you okay?

Should I get your dad?

My dad? My dad's been

dead for many years.

They took him away

a long time ago.

Who did?

The Spaniards.

What?

Buddy, buddy, there's a miracle

on 34th Street.

You've gotta help me find it.

Who...

are...

you?!

I'm Sam! Sam! I'm Sam!

It's me, Jakey!

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

I don't...

I don't remember anything.

They told me

I got into an accident,

but I don't remember you!

[crying]

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I didn't get your name.

It's Cassandra.

Thanks, Cassandra.

No problem.

Cassandra was born

in Tenafly, New Jersey.

She graduated

from Montclair State

with a degree

in fashion history.

Her favorite color is turquoise,

and she likes swimming

for exercise.

Hi, Cassandra.

Hmm.

Who are you?

F***ing piece of sh*t!

Who's a piece of sh*t?

Who's talking?

Who are you?!

[whimpers]

Sam?

Is Jake suffering

from memory loss?

Not that I know of.

Didn't think so.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Where you going?

- Home.

What happened?

- Your son's an a**hole.

- I know, but what happened?

- I'm going home.

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