Worst Friends Page #2

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- Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait.

Listen, Cassie and I,

we just got married.

- We're going on our honeymoon.

- Congratulations.

No, wait. Do you know how

expensive in-home care is?

'Cause I didn't.

I was throwing the term around

like it was nothing,

and then I looked it up.

Well, let him pay for it.

He's got all the money.

He's not doing as well

as he likes to sing about.

It costs a lot of money

to put a piece of metal

in somebody's shoulder.

Now, listen, we are gonna get

onto that plane to St. Barts.

I mean, come on!

I don't deserve this!

So how about it?

He's gonna be in a wheelchair

for like another week,

and then after that,

it's gonna be a lot easier.

So do your oldest friend

a big favor.

Stay with Jake while we're gone.

Absolutely not.

I'll pay you $750.

How long do I

have to be here for?

A month.

1,000.

Deal.

500 now,

500 when we get back.

Now, we're leaving

in the morning.

I mean, you gotta stay here.

You understand that, right?

I can't have you

going home at night

just in case

something happens.

Are you sure you're okay

with me staying here?

I'm not a nurse.

You work with kids.

Not the same thing.

It's fine.

Listen, I wouldn't do this

unless I trust

that everything will be okay.

I mean, it's not like

I'm a shitty father, right?

You gotta kidding me.

[door closes]

Hello!

- What's going on, dummy?

- Who are you?

- Drop it. I talked to your dad.

- Who?

Eat sh*t, Jake.

I'm gonna go downstairs,

make a sandwich.

You want something?

Yes.

All right.

Is there a note or something

down there?

No.

Why would there be?

For the nurse.

My dad said he was gonna

get me a live-in nurse.

F*** you, Jake!

What?

If you call me that

while I'm here,

I'm gonna walk out,

and you're gonna sh*t yourself

and starve to death

in that bed.

What?

Did I stutter?

Don't call me that, Jake.

- It's turkey.

- Are you kidding?

Your dad left food money,

but that's the best I can do

with what's in the fridge.

Is this a joke?

It's the best I can do,

considering.

They're on an airplane, Jake.

[sighs]

You want anything to drink?

Don't try to move,

or I'll hobble you.

Hey!

I have to go to the bathroom!

Watch the door, a**hole.

This door isn't wide enough.

Why would my dad's

second-floor bathroom

be wheelchair accessible?

The default for any bathroom

should be that it be

wheelchair accessible.

Right! Why don't you go ahead

and pioneer that one, nurse?

Second-floor wheelchair

accessible bathrooms.

Great idea.

All right, whatever.

Look, Sam, come on!

I'm messing with you.

Come back.

Sam!

I'm shitting my pants!

- Easy.

- Yeah.

Okay.

[pats back]

Hey.

Can't sh*t through

my pants, buddy.

Move it on back.

[grunts]

Oh, come on.

Nothing you haven't seen before.

- [doorbell rings]

- Who is it?

I don't know yet.

I haven't opened the door.

Who is it?

Hey, I got a delivery here

for Jacob Kitner.

Yeah, I can sign for it.

- He's not Jacob Kitner!

- I'm not.

Are you a resident

of this house?

- He is not a resident!

- I'm not.

Is there someone who can

sign for this who is?

It ain't him!

He's Jacob Kitner.

He can sign for it.

[door closes]

I'm Jacob Kitner.

Sign here.

[whispering]

This guy, he kidnapped me.

He broke my arm and leg.

You gotta help me.

Did he also cast

and set your injuries?

Yeah.

He's a doctor.

You gotta help me.

Nothing changes, Jake.

Who the hell are you?

Daniel.

Daniel O'Connor.

We took trig together.

See you later, a**hole.

I never took trig!

Hey, sorry, dude.

I didn't recognize you.

That's cool, man.

The hat and shorts and sh*t

really throw people off.

Yeah, no doubt.

What are you doing here?

His dad paid me

to take care of him.

- How much?

- A grand.

That's not enough.

That kid's an a**hole.

Yeah, he messes around.

You don't get into an accident

like that for no reason.

He's bad energy.

Yeah.

Where's the package?

Just a second.

By the way, he told me

that you kidnapped him.

I'm gonna come around back.

All right.

I don't remember that kid

at all.

Somebody loves this guy.

Yeah, then why am I here?

Stop talking and kiss already!

Ugh!

All right, Sam,

see you around.

I'll see you around.

- Help me downstairs.

- I don't think so.

Well, it's either that

or bring the sh*t up here.

I could just as easily

do neither.

I'm gonna throw myself down

the stairs and break my neck.

Everyone will think you did it,

and you'll go to prison.

[pop]

What the hell am I

supposed to do with this?

It's from your cousin Marie.

You used to have a thing for

Marie, didn't you?

I don't remember.

Yeah, you totally

had a thing for Marie.

Stop it.

Oh, cool! West Wing.

- Never heard of it.

- It's a pretty good show.

Yeah, I bet. You want it?

I'll sell it to you.

- No.

- Wholesale, at cost.

You can't say at cost.

It cost you nothing.

I'm not gonna give this to you for free.

That's ridiculous.

Going, going, gone.

Who would send me this sh*t?

This is from your office.

I know who sent it to me.

I don't understand who'd send it

to me in the figurative way.

Well, looking at this stuff,

whoever sent this to you

doesn't know anything about you.

Actually,

really any of this stuff,

all of it

seems to be indicative

of someone who doesn't

know you at all.

They probably don't know you

because you don't know them.

That's not true.

This is from Kate,

from your office.

What's Kate's last name?

You don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

Been here for a few hours now,

not to mention last night.

You'd rather jerk me around

than ask me how I've been

or what I've been up to.

Are you kidding me?

It's not like you asked me.

All right, fine.

We're in the same position then.

What have you been up to, Sam?

- Shut up.

- No, tell me.

I really, really,

really want to know.

Shut up.

I'm taking you upstairs.

Come on!

No, no, wait, wait.

Seriously. You know

what the difference is

between you asking me what I've

been up to since I left Jersey,

and me asking you?

No.

There are any number of things

that I could've been doing

because I left

my parents' house.

I have something

interesting to say

because I have

something to say.

I know what the answer would be

if I asked you, you know?

You've been doing

what you've been doing

for the last 10 years.

You gotta see

what I'm talking about.

Is that the shirt

Zoe Mayer threw up on?

Yeah, of course.

When was the last time

you washed that?

You wear that like every night,

wrap it around your face and

sniff it before you go to sleep?

All right, show's over.

I'm taking the shirt off.

[knocking]

Hello?

Hello!

Hello!

[trumpeting ring tone ]

[ring tone continues]

Hello?

[knocks]

Hey, are you Sam?

Yeah, I am.

Who are you?

I'm Lily.

I'm Jake's physical therapist.

- Physical therapist?

- Yeah.

At some point, he's gonna

have to walk again.

No, it's not that.

I'm just surprised

his dad sprang for it.

Well, it was a choice

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