Worst Friends Page #3

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of someone to bathe him

or his ability

to walk straight.

I think they made

the smart decision.

I don't know.

Uh, can you tell me

where Jake is?

Yeah, he's in the other room.

Ah!

Who the hell is this?

Lily. She's your

physical therapist.

My dad sprung for

a physical therapist?

Well, it was a choice between

either having to bathe you or...

Okay, thank you, Sam.

Thank you.

So can you stand

on your own yet?

Maybe.

I haven't tried.

Okay, try.

Can I at least get a cup of

coffee or something first?

Uh, nope.

Try.

Okay.

- Get a little help there?

- Mm-hmm.

[groans]

You live around here?

Can you lift up

your left arm, please?

Your injured arm.

- Oh, my left arm.

- Yeah.

- That was the confusion.

- Yeah.

You got a boyfriend?

No.

No patience either.

And those two things

go hand-in-hand.

Whoa!

This kitten's got claws.

You're gonna walk like a peg leg

for the rest of your life

if you don't let me help you.

In order for me to help you,

you need to not talk

while I'm giving you

directions, okay?

Okay, so try lifting

your arm again.

This time keep the tension

in the shoulder.

Good. See?

The world's a lot quieter

when you listen.

- Sam.

- You need me to walk you out?

No. Okay, here's the deal.

I need you to get up

every morning at 9 a.m.

I need him up early,

moving his arms and legs.

If he doesn't do this,

he could get major blood clots,

and he could die, okay?

I need you to shower him

once a day.

I need you to change

his dressings twice a day.

And keep him off heavy dairy,

and keep him eating protein.

- All right?

- Okay.

Okay, I'll be back

once a week.

Do you need me to walk you out?

- She's awesome.

- She's tough is what she is.

I don't need that

in my life right now.

Yeah, the last thing you need

is someone pushing you

into some sort of recovery.

She's got a whole regimen

I gotta do with you.

Sounds awful.

Yeah, for me more than you.

Why are you doing this anyway?

My dad gonna give you

his Buick or something?

I'm your friend.

You know who I saw

taking out the garbage

across the street last night?

No.

Zoe.

Are you sure

you weren't hallucinating?

Positive.

You sure?

Because your room smells like

the University of Vermont.

Could've been a pot high.

I wasn't.

It was her.

Well, we all know who reigned

victorious in that case.

Right?

Who potted that plant?

Okay, Jake.

Who mined that field, baby?

You win.

You're the man.

And who's shirt

did she throw up on?

Yeah, that was funny

10 years ago. Thanks.

- Hey, Sam!

- What?

[Jake] I need you to look

through the basement

and get some of my old stuff.

I can't keep wearing

the same two shirts every day.

I don't think you're gonna want

any of this sh*t down here.

Don't make that decision for me.

Take a little longer.

Are you masturbating?

Did you hang yourself?

You hung yourself while

masturbating, didn't you?

Oh, you are not gonna believe

what I just found.

Does your guy have glasses?

I'll answer gender-neutrally

that my person

does not wear glasses.

- Stop trying to cheat.

- It's not cheating.

It's strategy.

Does your person

have brown hair?

No. Does your girl

have brown hair?

My person does not have

brown hair.

This used to be a lot more fun

when I could cheat your ass out

in two moves.

I know.

It must suck.

Yeah. When's my dad coming back?

Three weeks.

I asked Lily if I could

be out of here before then.

She said maybe.

Does your person have

wrinkles on their face? Why?

No. She wants me to get

up and walk around first.

Does your guy have brown eyes?

Yeah.

Oh.

Damn it!

Why do you want to leave

before your dad comes back?

I barely wanted to be here

for the wedding.

I'm all set

with seeing my father.

Is your person

Wendell McAdams?

Yes.

I win.

[phone ring tone ]

Yeah, hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's okay.

I feel like I'm back

in f***ing high school again.

Yeah, Mom, he's moving around

a lot better than before.

He was supposed to out of

the wheelchair this week.

I guess he's just not ready.

No, Mom, you can't afford

to give me money, okay?

The plan is to make

the food money last,

and then I'm gonna give you

whatever's left over.

Yeah, Mom, it's just

a lot of bullshit,

like he can't t even make it

through physical therapy

without saying something

disgusting to his therapist.

You know how easily we can

turn this into a sex swing?

Nah, it's not that bad.

It's a lot of sitting around.

I mean, the guy's on Vicodin

almost all the time.

Whoa! Sh*t my pants!

Sh*t my pants,

sh*t my pants.

No, I can't leave him alone.

He might break his neck

or something.

- [doorbell rings]

- Mom, Mom, I gotta go.

That was the doorbell.

Jake might have woken up, too.

All right, bye.

Oh, sh*t.

Do I have the wrong house?

I don't know.

Who are you looking for?

Jake Kitner.

Yeah, he's upstairs.

Might still be sleeping,

though.

It's 10 a.m.

Yeah, you think with

all those broken bones,

he'd get his ass up.

Um, can you wake him up for me?

I'm his girlfriend.

Who'd have thunk it?

He hasn't mentioned you once.

- What?

- Julie's here.

- Give us some privacy.

- No.

I'm gonna sit in the corner and

keep record of everything said.

No, seriously, go outside

and take a walk or something.

Why?

I can hear almost everything

in this house.

No, you can't.

I can hear you cry yourself

to sleep every night.

You can go upstairs.

He's awake.

- He's not coming down?

- Nope.

Why don't you go upstairs and

give him a hard time about it?

Who's there?

Jake, baby, it's me.

Julie?

Jesus, you're a mess.

[music on car stereo ]

Hey.

What's going on?

Hey, what's up?

I'm Jeremy.

Hey, Jeremy.

Want a hit?

Uh, no, no.

You, uh, you friends with Julie?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just along for the ride.

Boyfriend.

Yeah, she's up there

talking to Jake.

That a Cathode Corner

Nixie watch?

Yes!

You know about these?

- I know everything about those.

- Oh, my God.

- Sam, right?

- Yeah.

- Jeremy.

- Yeah.

What took you so long

to get here?

[chuckles]

I've been a little busy.

I almost died.

And you didn't.

That's the most important thing.

And I shouldn't look bad

because it's not like you

weren't gonna get better.

What?

This just couldn't have

come at a worse time.

For who?

For me, for us.

When would have been a better

time for this to happen for you?

Jake's been here for almost

a whole week though,

and she was supposed to come

on like day two or something.

She's been busy.

I mean, I've been busy.

I know, but she should

really be there for him.

She's here now.

I mean, she's a good friend.

No, no doubt.

I mean, I wouldn't

drag you to Jersey.

But I guess otherwise

she's pretty cool.

Jake's just always had

garbage taste in women.

No, "taste" is

the wrong way to say it.

It implies some sort of

discerning view.

He'll go for anything

with a vague interest.

I guess shitty women just flock to him.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's the right way

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