Worst Friends Page #4

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to put it.

Okay, I'm just gonna need you to

be a little more understanding.

I'm just gonna need you to

meet me halfway here, Jake.

I'm sorry.

- Really?

- I've been alone all week.

There's nothing familiar

around me.

I just feel kicked around,

you know?

- But this is my fault.

- What?

You were on the phone with me,

and you crashed.

It's your subconscious saying

that we shouldn't be together.

Julie, I want to be with you now

more than ever.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Second door on your left.

- [coughing]

- [laughing]

Oh, sh*t. Get out of the car,

get out of the car.

[engine starts]

Hey, baby, how you doing?

Bye, Jeremy!

Bye, Julie!

Hey, do me a favor

and check on Julie.

She went to the bathroom.

She left.

She did?

Yeah, with her new boyfriend.

I didn't know

it was her new guy,

not until they left.

I think I wanna go outside,

go for a walk or something.

For a walk?

What goes around, rolls around.

That was... That was

really something, Marky.

- What's up, Sam?

- Nothing much.

You gonna take out the garbage?

[laughs]

[mock laughter]

Hey, Marky, you're gonna die

cleaning a booth.

You know who's gonna be there

to find the body?

Who?

No one.

You're gonna die alone.

[laughs]

Real funny, Jake.

Heed my warnings, Marky.

Heed them.

I'm gonna get a milkshake.

Lily said stay away

from heavy dairy.

One milkshake's

not gonna kill me.

Jacob Shitner.

Sara Michaels.

I could punch you in the face

right now,

and no one would say

I was out of line.

How's that?

Hey, Sam. How are you?

Been better, been worse.

Why could you punch him?

Uh, let's see.

I was gonna go to L.A.

take a vacation,

see some friends,

maybe see

our friend Jake here.

He said,

"Come on by, stay with me.

We'll have a different dinner

every night of the week."

Which was very nice of me

to offer, by the way.

Yes, and exceedingly nice of me

to take him up on it.

What happened?

Well, I clear my schedule,

tell all my friends my dates,

and then I get to LAX,

and his phone goes

to voicemail all week.

I apologized.

Profusely.

Yes, he did.

He apologized up and down,

and he finally invited me

to a very nice lunch date

two hours before

I was going to leave L.A.

The apology still counts.

In some cultures, maybe.

Did you have a good time,

otherwise?

Yes, of course.

See, if I've learned one thing

from being in close proximity

to Jake in high school,

it's to have a backup plan

because that is usually

more reliable.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Well, I'll let you two

peruse the menu.

I'd like a milkshake.

- She's sharp.

- She got fat.

- What?

- She got fat.

Maybe she's just bloated

or something.

You're nuts.

I'm just telling you

how I see it.

You know that thing

about anorexic girls

where they can't tell

just how skinny they are?

Yeah, let me guess.

I have that problem with women.

No. You're the a**hole

that causes that sh*t to happen.

I'm definitely not the first

person to think that way.

Sara's nice and smart,

so please tell me.

Why did you treat her

like crap?

I didn't treat her

like crap, okay?

And besides, who comes up

to a table like that

and just tells a nasty story?

Who does that?

Sounded like

she was pretty upset.

What does she have

to upset about?

She said she had a good time.

You could say you're sorry.

I think I just saw Zoe.

She was taking out the garbage.

Yeah, right.

I swear.

You're wrong.

I saw what I saw.

Hey, Sling Blade.

Come here.

Does Zoe Mayer work here?

Yeah.

She works in the kitchen.

Are you serious?

Totally.

She's great.

Most chicks, they don't like

taking out garbage

and cleaning dishes and sh*t.

You know how many used tampons

we find on old plates of food?

Why does she work here?

She lost her job

and her dad died.

Whole bunch of sh*t.

She moved home

a few weeks ago.

Tough sh*t, this economy.

Wonderful platitude, Marky.

Ehh.

Hey, you should go

talk to her, dummy.

Seriously.

March in there,

rip her bloody apron off,

and burn her ass

on the deep fryer.

Why do you live in New Jersey?

Why can't you raise

your arm any higher?

No, seriously, I think you'd

make more money elsewhere.

My partner lives here.

Yeah, but you shouldn't be

unhappy for someone else.

I live in L.A. and...

Jake, you live in a dream world.

Come on. Arm higher.

- I can't.

- Try harder.

I know you can try harder

than this.

I'm gonna break my own shoulder,

let it set for two days

and show you that you can

raise your arm higher than this.

[chuckles]

That'd be silly.

Come on.

Good. Good!

- You want some water?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Good.

- You know, you're very lucky.

- How's that?

Do you know how hard it is to

get someone to help you move?

You got someone here with you

for a over month,

taking care of you.

That's friendship.

I guess.

Tell me what it is then.

I don't know.

Well, despite your best efforts,

that kid's your friend.

Thank you very much. Thank

you, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome once again

to "Beat the Clock."

What are we doing tonight?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go upstairs

and maybe finish this book.

Or maybe blow my brains out

after you fall asleep.

Why didn't you ever

go on Jeopardy!?

Why would I go on Jeopardy!?

You aced the SATs.

The SATs aren't like

Trivial Pursuit.

Did you take the SATs?

Yeah, and I finished college,

which puts me one up on you.

It doesn't just have to be

Jeopardy! It could be any show.

Any question show.

Who's Smarter

Than A Fifth Grader?

I bet you're at least that.

We can make a lot of money,

Sam, seriously.

I'll represent you.

I'll be your agent.

And you know what?

If you act retarded

in real life,

it'll be even more surprising

when you win.

We'll make even more money.

Whole roadshow.

You see what you're doing

right now?

- What am I doing?

- You're trying...

or at least

I think you're trying...

to help me out,

but you just end up being

an a**hole and belittling me.

I am not.

That's exactly

what you're doing,

and you do it all the time.

I don't know that that's true.

I think you're happier

with people in your life

being bullet points.

You know line items about me,

but nothing more.

And none of it applies

to the last six or seven years

of my life.

Not true at all.

Okay.

Am I virgin?

- Totally.

- I'm not.

- You carry yourself like one.

- Well, I'm not.

So you had sex

with a prostitute.

I dated a girl

for three years, Jake.

So you dated a prostitute

for three years.

She wasn't a prostitute.

- Stripper?

- No.

- Sexually abused?

- No.

- Down on her luck?

- She was a normal girl.

She was in our class.

Bullshit.

Lisa Martinez.

Oh! Bullshit.

Three years,

you piece of sh*t.

Yeah? What happened?

She wasn't very nice to me.

I don't know what

to say to you right now.

Why?

She wasn't nice to you?

She was manipulative

and a liar

and played games

and was just really uncaring.

That sucks.

That's where you gotta

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