Wristcutters: A Love Story

I think she cried at my funeral.

I don't mean to brag about it or anything,

but I'm pretty sure she did.

Sometimes I can picture her talking about me

to some guy she feels really close to.

You're never going

to see him again, you know?

How they lowered me

into the grave

all pathetic and shriveled up,

Iike a melted chocolate bar

or something.

About how we never

actually got a chance.

Then the guy fucks her real nice-

a f*** that's all about

making her feel better.

Soon after I killed myself,

I found a job here at Kamikaze Pizza.

It's not a great job, but it'll do for a while.

The manager was cool enough

to hook me up with a place to live, too,

with this Austrian guy named Erik.

You did it again, Zia.

Did what?

Don't play dumb. You promised.

If you're going to live in this apartment,

you have to sit while you piss.

That. I'm sorry. I forgot.

How in the world you forget

something like that?

Sit, sit, sit.

Who could think

of a better punishment, really?

Everything's the same here.

It's just a little worse.

I've thought about suicide again,

but I haven't tried it.

I didn't want to end up

in a bigger sh*t hole than this one.

Yeah, I was missing Desiree.

I even had a feeling

that this whole suicide thing

just made me miss her

and love her more.

But...who knows?

Maybe you just need a drink.

Hi.

Listen, my friend Rachel and l,

we play this game

where we try to figure out

how people off themselves.

We were just guessing about you.

How'd you do it?

Three points for me!

That's an extremely rude question to ask.

Precisely.

That's what the game's all about.

I see. What about you?

Me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Look at him.

He can't stop burping.

It's definitely drowning.

No, I'm telling you,

look at the bluish face.

It's got to be gas.

Go over and ask him.

No. I don't know about this one.

- He seems ill-humored.

- No, no, you got to-

Why don't you try it with me?

Do you know this guy?

I'll bet you girls a beer you won't guess.

Tania, look who's here.

We'll be right back.

Right back.

I will tell you something.

Whenever a chick says

" I'll be right back, "

write them off, man.

They always end up leaving

with some retarded big-Joe guy.

So what was it?

What was what?

How did you, uh,

you know, off yourself?

Oh, that.

Let me go, lovely

Let me go

You guys suck!

Suck big time!

Get off the stage!

F*** it all!

Jesus! Go home, man!

Boo!

You offed with the guitar?

Sure, I did.

On stage, man.

It was wild.

Iggy Pop almost came to see that gig.

No way.

It's true.

I live with my parents

and my kid brother Kostya.

You're f***ing with me.

I'm not f***ing with you.

I've never heard of

a whole family here before.

Mom...

offed because she was

missing Russia a lot.

And my father, he just didn't feel

like going on without her.

But what really did it for him

was my little brother turning out to be gay.

And your kid brother?

- Kostya?

- Kostya.

I guess he had it in his genes, man.

That's the craziest thing

I've ever heard, man.

When, uh, Kostya came here,

my father-

a man who wouldn't cry-

if you dropped 10-pound

sledgehammer on his foot.

Hugged kid, though,

and cried like baby. No sh*t.

Wow.

We have to kill those germs.

- For borscht...

- We have a saying in Russia.

How much you eat,

that's how old you are.

My grandpa, before

he'd hire anybody,

he'd feed them a free meal.

- Those who ate the most-

- Whoa.

...that's the ones

he hired, 'cause-

Those were the best workers.

Are you trying

to hire me or something?

How about

doing the dishes after dinner?

Kostya, no.

You know, Zia, dishwashing was Eugene's

first job in America.

No way.

I did a lot of sh*t.

Last job I had before I offed

was waiting tables.

I thought it was the band thing.

I had to eat, too.

You know, I wish

we were there for Eugene.

You see, Zia, all of us,

we were always together.

First in Russia,

then in America, now here.

When lvan and I came here and left our boys

alone, they just couldn't make-

Mom, that's all over now.

Yeah.

Where are you from, Zia?

Uh, New Jersey.

Oh. What about your parents?

Uh, it's- it's a long story.

It's not- Basically, at the end,

- I hadn't talk to them in a while.

- Zia, it's okay.

They hadn't talked to each other.

It is, yeah.

Nyet.

Not every family is lucky like we are.

That's true.

But all of us being together...

You know,

I'd be here a long time ago

if it weren't for Eugene.

Yeah? How come?

I was 10.

We had these soccer finals.

I was the goalie for my school.

Eugene!

Don't you hear I'm jamming?

How is it possible

for the better team to lose?

We didn't deserve to!

The ball just wouldn't get in!

And they won it in the finals!

So what's the point of living

when life is so unfair

and everything?

I'm just telling you this because you're

the smartest person I know.

If you don't give me one

good reason to keep living

and tell me what's the meaning of life,

I'm gonna do this.

Step down from the table.

No. First tell me.

Step down from the table,

and I'll tell you.

He just smacked you?

Yeah.

I don't exactly know what he was trying

to tell me when he did it,

but it worked fine

up until a couple months ago.

You know, when I see

you guys like this,

it kind of makes me

miss my parents,

even though most of the time

they just kind of freaked me out.

You know...

why didn't we move in together earlier?

'Cause we didn't know

it'd be this fun.

Yeah.

Oh, God, I love those things.

These what? These?

Who? Ophelia?

Desiree.

Whatever. An ex-girlfriend from an ex-life.

Listen, tonight when we go out,

man, you got to promise-

No, no, no. Eugene, I'm not going out

tonight or any other night.

- What?

- It just makes me depressed.

So what are you going to do?

Kill yourself?

I don't know. Maybe.

As if anything would make you happy.

I love you.

- I love you.

- You do?

Did you finish my cottage cheese?

Zia, did you finish my cottage cheese?

Calm down, Erik. I'll buy you

some more cottage cheese.

No. That's not the point.

I was planning on having some right now.

Don't you have a plan B

or something?

Zia, you do it all the time!

All right! All right!

I'll go get some more

cottage cheese.

Zia?

I was hoping we'd run into

each other sooner or later.

Brian, what are you doing here?

Same as everyone else.

Same as everyone else.

Only it's got a little something to do with you.

Oh, yeah?

Did you come all the way here

to get the 200 bucks I owe you?

Ha ha. You were always a million laughs.

But, no, that's not it.

You know how people say that

suicides happen in threes?

Well, there's something to that.

Hey, is this cheese any good?

Uh, my roommate likes it.

You know, when people start

offing themselves around you,

you start asking yourself,

what makes me so different?

You know?

What's keeping me alive?

Then it hit me like a mallet.

I don't have the answers.

T oo much sodium.

But I think it was Desiree's suicide

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