Year One Page #6

If you guys are gonna stay here,

you should join the guard.

- Hey!

- Hey, hey what, hey? Huh? Yeah.

I mean, the pay's not great

but the perks, tons of them.

I'm telling you, it's the only way to go.

Come on, let's go talk to the sergeant.

- Let's go.

- Hurry now.

This is great. How do I look?

I can't see. This is too big on me.

I wonder if I can get a smaller size.

Yeah, someone's gotta be

the hat person around here.

- Find a...

- Excuse me.

Hey, my helmet is way too big

for me. It looks really silly.

- Think I can get a smaller one?

- Line up!

- What are you doing? In the line.

- Wait, he's not...

In the line. Face forward in the line.

- Guys. Guys?

- I don't know where to...

- Guys.

- You too!

- Guys.

- Find a hole, you stupid bastards.

- It's kind of obvious, isn't it?

- Not to me.

Soldiers. Present arms.

I never got a sword.

I only got the holder.

I didn't know

that that's what it was for.

- So this is it? We just walk around?

- Yeah, pretty much.

Just look for troublemakers.

If you see a thief or a pickpocket,

we'll slap them around a little bit.

Maybe cut off a finger, you know,

or tip of the nose sometimes.

Lower lip. Just anything you can grab

and slice in one fluid motion.

It seems kind of harsh.

Hey, just remember it's the palace

that pays us, not the people. Come on.

Feed us!

Six sacrifices in the last 10 days

and still no rain.

Majesty, there's talk of revolution

in the streets.

Oil and grain are scarce,

prices are high.

Starving peasants are pouring

into the city in search of food.

We could actually have a riot

on our hands.

Poverty has a bitter taste,

but it is a flavor they are born to.

It is the will of the gods.

What do the entrails predict?

Well, the liver is streaked with gray,

which is not a good sign...

...but his poor rectum

is absolutely pulverized...

...which is not unusual

for a sheep in this region.

The genitals are enormous.

That's of no significance,

I'm just commenting.

If you do look at this intestine...

...his large intestine

is arranged in an arc...

...then the two massive balls

of the sheep are like eyes.

To me, I see a happy face.

That makes me happy.

What does it mean?

Well, could mean a surprise visit

from a former friend or sweetheart.

Or that you're going

on a long sea voyage.

Could I come?

I've never been on a boat.

How did you become high priest?

I'm your brother-in-law.

Perhaps it's time

for a new high priest.

Perhaps it's not time

for a new high priest.

Let that be a warning to you.

Next time, I shall hurl a lightning bolt

right in your face.

Or a fireball.

And you know what's the best part

about Sodom? The sodomy.

You guys are in for a treat.

Down.

Did you see that girl?

That was Princess Inanna.

She's totally hot.

Don't even think about it.

Why not?

Why? Because she's royalty

and you're a caveman.

Where's everybody going?

To the temple.

You guys have to see this.

- Will she be there?

- Yeah, everyone'll be there.

There she is.

The princess isn't eating.

I find it hard to eat

when so many are hungry.

- You can't keep starving yourself.

- Why not?

Everybody else is starving.

Present company excluded.

Careful, princess.

You may be my stepdaughter,

but these are dangerous times...

...and those are dangerous words.

- Whatever.

Hi.

Yeah.

- What's happening?

- They're picking a virgin.

Oh, please. If you're a virgin,

then I'm a fuzzy little gerbil.

Back to the whorehouse with you.

Quick as a bunny. There you go.

What do they need a virgin for?

- To throw her in the fire. Are you new?

- What? Why?

An offering to the gods.

- Are you serious?

- There's a famine going on...

...so if we make

a good enough sacrifice...

...then the gods give us rain.

You get rain, you get harvest...

...you get harvest, you get food.

You know what food is?

Yeah, you know food.

So they're gonna throw a virgin

into the fire so that it rains?

Where do you think rain

comes from? Clouds?

My 6-year-old knows.

- Hey, how do you get rain?

- Burn a virgin.

I didn't think

it was anything related to...

Yeah, yeah. "I didn't think,

I didn't think."

It's the gods and it comes

from virgins being burned.

Did I do something to offend you?

I come here, I get a great seat

at the sacrifice, and you're ruining it.

Seems like a waste

of a perfectly good virgin to me.

Hey, guys? I'm trying to enjoy

the sacrifice with my family.

Do you mind? Do you mind?

For the love of the gods...

...we commit this fair maiden...

...to Moloch's holy fire.

These virgins, it's always a girl?

I'm really happy for her.

She was always the runner-up.

True success story.

My lord,

the princess wishes to see you.

Me? What about my friend?

Can the two of us come?

We're a pair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The three of us are like a pair.

No, not you.

The two of you, follow me.

Great.

- I'll try to put a good word in for you.

- Yeah, do.

If we never, ever see you again,

it's not because we're avoiding you.

Don't forget about me.

This is Zaftig, the eunuch.

You, go with him.

Oh, can't I go with him?

- Why? Is he your lover?

- No, we're just friends.

That would be weird.

We're both guys.

- Come with me.

- What do you do?

I've been a palace eunuch

since I was 9 years old.

- How would I become a eunuch?

- They cut off your testicles.

Why all the genital mutilation?

Well, you get to keep them.

I always keep mine close at hand.

Would you like to see?

No.

Can I ask your opinion?

What do you think?

Ponytail or no ponytail?

- I don't know and I really don't care.

- Okay. I just wanted to know...

...what the ladies of Sodom

were into nowadays, but...

This party is insane.

It's more of a hair-down

kind of scene, I'd say.

Hi.

Be sure to try the fruit.

Maya. What are you doing here?

Okay, I'm still alive,

thank you for asking...

...and I'm still a slave.

I was coming to rescue you. Really.

That's why we were here.

- We were gonna find you.

- Yeah?

You seemed worried

about your ponytail just a second ago.

I was just...

- You were just chosen again.

- I was.

I would love to join you at this orgy,

but I can't...

...because I have to go be a slave,

and I don't get any breaks.

And the princess has crabs.

Oh, yes, it's steamy.

God, that's realistic.

Watch it, jerk.

A real woman, that's...

Oh, excuse me, Miss...

Ter. Mister. Awkward.

Good concentration.

You're good. You're real good.

- Oh? Is that you?

- I'm not supposed to talk, I'm a statue.

- Yeah, you look so gold.

- It's all the gold paint.

- How's it going?

- It's going great.

I just had my entire body

painted by a fat guy with no balls.

- Oh, how did that go?

- He was extremely thorough.

- How's it going with you?

- Not bad.

Just had a little rub and scrub.

Now I'm up for some grub.

- Sounds luxurious.

- Hey.

You remember that woman

who brought us in with the face dress?

That was Maya. She's working here

now and she looks great.

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