Year One Page #5

Thanks. Thank you.

A lot of loving things.

- Kind loving kindness.

- Yeah.

Friends, whence comest thou?

- He wants to know where you're from.

- Thou comest not from...

...the Cities of the Plain,

from Sodom and Gomorrah.

- Heard of them, never been there.

- Are they nice?

"Are they nice?"

They have been cursed for all time

by the Lord thy God...

...for their abominations.

- I did not know that.

They worship idols

and they bow down before false gods.

- Abdominal.

- It's the worst.

The men of that city

are weak and soft...

...fat with rich food,

intoxicated by strong drink.

I'm not hearing the bad part.

The women are whores.

Their shameless lust

knows no bounds.

They flaunt their flesh...

...and any man may have knowledge

of them whenever he so chooseth.

Which one of the two cities

has the most whores?

Just so we know to stay away

from that one especially.

Walk you not the path of Sodom.

For the Lord thy God

has said unto me...

...that he shall send a holy fire

to destroy that city...

...and all who dwell within

for their iniquity.

He shall smite them.

Them, and all of their seed.

So when do you think

this smiting's gonna go down?

- Because we have some friends there.

- Their fate is sealed.

But for my faith and devotion...

...that self-same God...

...has promised unto me

the whole of this land.

From the Heights of Golan in the north

to the Sinai in the south.

From the river of Jordan

to the great sea.

- This is all your land?

- For all of eternity.

But apparently God

forgot to tell anyone else.

We're at war with someone

every other day.

Excuse me. I and my kinsmen

have vanquished our enemies...

...by the mighty hand

of God, blessed be he.

- Praised is his name...

- Unto us.

...and glory his graciousness.

- Wealthy bounty.

Therefore, to signify my covenant

with the one true God...

...I shall on this day

circumcise the flesh of my penis.

And of you. And you, and of you,

and every male who dwelleth hereby.

- Excuse me?

- I don't know what you mean.

We shall grasp the foreskins

of our penises...

...and we shall cut therefrom

the extra flesh. Amen.

I don't think I have any extra.

- Couldn't we pierce our ears?

- No, no, no.

So it shall be written,

and so it shall be done.

Let me get this straight. You're saying

you have too much cock?

And you wanna:

You know, Abe, it's been a long day,

we've all had a lot to drink...

...and I know that this foreskin thing

sounds like a good idea now...

...but you might wanna sleep on it.

We can always cut it off

in the morning.

But if we do it now, there's just no way

to get it back on there.

No, no, no, trust me, it's gonna be

a very, very sleek look.

This is gonna catch on. I'm gonna go

get my good knife.

Just wait right there. I'll be right back

to cut your penises.

Not the whole thing,

you understand. Just the very tip.

And after, we're all gonna have wine

and sponge cake.

Do you have any idea

where we're going?

Going to Sodom.

We have to save Maya and Eema.

He said that God

was gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.

God also told him to chop off

the tip of his dick.

Dad, no! No! No!

So listen, I've been thinking,

what constitutes the tip of the penis?

Because his definition

might not be the same as mine.

- What if the tip is your favorite part?

- The tip is your only part.

Come out here.

Hey, you caught me. Guilty.

What are you doing here?

- I'm gonna come.

- You don't know where we're going.

- You're going to Sodom, right?

- No.

How stupid you think I am?

You've had a boner for Sodom...

...since my dad mentioned it.

If I take you, get me some wine.

Aren't you a bit young?

Do you like hanging out

with this little girl?

My dad just trimmed my dick skin.

That's Sodom right there.

The Unholy Land.

The devil's playground,

where the sinners are winners.

Me and my boys sneak in here

on the weekends sometimes.

Pick up on the babes,

drink some wine, smoke some herb.

- Shouldn't be smoking either.

- Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

I've been smoking for four harvests

now, so I think I'm good.

These doors are enormous.

- It looks like they're not open, so...

- You just gotta knock.

- They let me in all the time.

- Yeah, knock.

- Why don't you knock?

- You knock.

- What if we're waking somebody?

- Eema and Maya might be in there.

I gave them our word

we'd rescue them.

I want to get my dicky sticky.

- Halt. Halt.

- Get help. Tell your father.

Like I'm gonna tell my father

I came with you guys to Sodom.

So long, suckers.

I kind of get why his dad

wanted to kill him.

Get in.

- What's this, then?

- They were banging on the gate.

- Hebrews from the look of them.

- Well, we're not really Hebrews.

We are Hebrews?

I get it. No talking.

- Should we wake the commander?

- Oh, no.

Don't want to wake the commander.

He gets mean when you wake him.

Meaner than this?

Let go of his titty.

Yeah. Okay. All right, good one.

What the bloody hell

is going on out there?

Who screamed?

Sounded like a woman.

But you don't look like a woman.

You wanna kiss me?

Like in a romantic way?

By tomorrow morning,

you'll wish you hadn't been born.

- I already feel that way right now.

- Yeah.

Why don't you pick on someone

your own size?

Because that I would pay to see.

You versus a guy your size.

Give me my stick.

Bumpy. You got a smoother one?

Yeah.

Turn around

and put your hands on the table.

Now!

I'll take that kiss now.

- We'll start with the fat one.

- Relatively fat. I mean...

- Welcome to Sodom.

- Hey, I want a piece of that.

- Cain?

- You know them?

Brothers.

I missed you so much. Oh, you guys.

Promise you'll never leave me again.

- This is amazing.

- And this is a Monday.

You should see this place

on a Thursday.

- Because Thursday's the new Friday.

- Well, thanks for saving us.

- What are you gonna do to us now?

- Excuse me? Do I detect a tone here?

You did sell us into slavery.

Hold a grudge much?

That was, like, a fortnight ago.

It was less than a fortnight.

Half a fortnight.

- It was a sevennight.

- Oh, give me a break.

I was dealing with the death...

...of a close, personal family member

and I needed some space.

But hey, now I realize that you guys

are like my real brothers.

And it's so rare to have a brother

that you love and don't wanna kill.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, who's hungry?

- I'm hungry.

- Don't kill me.

Yeah? Okay.

Excuse me, I was...

Yeah, that's two for flinching.

Hey, let's go.

Here. Now we're even.

Check out the woman across the way.

She's looking at us.

She's totally eye-knowing us

with her eyes right now.

Well, she's really making

that banana last.

- Go talk to her.

- I kind of have a girlfriend right now.

A girl that I'm going to marry.

Make my wife, make her my girlfriend

one day when I get enough strength.

What transpires within the confines

of the walls of Sodom...

...stays within the confines of the walls

of Sodom.

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