Year One Page #8

Some leader.

Told us you were gonna get us out.

- Just been messing around at orgies.

- Messing around at orgies?

No, no. I'm not like you.

I don't get to prance around

in gold paint and have fun.

- I have no downtime.

- Please. Your whole life is downtime.

That's what you think?

That's what everybody thinks.

I'm about to show you something.

Observe.

Almighty God, or gods,

whatever the case may be...

...I need to ask a favor of you.

I know

I've really messed things up...

...but I really need to come through

on this one...

...and I wanna ask you to please give

me the strength to free my friends.

- And that's it, that's the favor.

- Oh, sh*t.

And also,

if you could just make it rain...

...or like drizzle without us having

to kill a virgin, you know what I mean?

Because we need our virgins

at the moment.

And also, if you could give me

the power...

...to see through women's clothing

without them knowing...

...that would be really great.

Hello?

Hasn't it occurred to you

that it might be silent...

...because God is not in here?

Look around. There's nothing in here.

That doesn't prove anything.

Maybe he stepped away.

- For what?

- God stuff.

If he needs something,

he can create it from nothing.

What's the point of being God

if you keep running for things?

Let me just put something out there.

Maybe God doesn't exist.

What? So everything is just random?

Then nothing would mean anything.

- What would be the point?

- That is the point.

That there's no point? That's stupid.

- You're stupid.

- No.

- There's something bigger than me.

- There's nothing bigger than you.

- Don't touch my belly to make a point.

- Fine.

- Okay. I'm sorry, I have a man's body.

- I'm maturing at my own pace.

- You are so jealous of me.

- Jealous? That you're a bullshit artist?

That every time you speak,

it's bullshit coming out of your mouth?

You would believe in God

if you've ever been with a woman.

- I'm a virgin by choice.

- Not your choice.

- Take that back.

- I won't.

- Take back what you said.

- Take back what you said.

Everything you've ever said.

Don't stand close.

Get your belly off of my belly.

Don't touch my belly.

I don't want to touch bellies with you,

ever.

Take everything

you've ever said back.

- You're out of control.

- You're a freak.

- Stop screaming, stop screaming.

- You're a freak! Get off me.

I can pull this thing together.

The princess is right out there.

And if I play this right...

...l'm gonna get us all out of here,

Maya and Eema too.

Just trust in me. Have a little faith.

Fine, but not for you. For Eema.

And I'm too tired to argue right now.

I had a long hot bath with the

high priest, and I'm lightheaded.

I'm sorry for squeezing you so hard.

Let's go. Freak.

God, if you do exist,

if you make Eema love me...

...I would be very grateful. Okay?

If you do exist.

You guys waiting to go in there?

Because I gotta say:

Not that big a deal.

If you see a broken penis,

it was like that when we went in.

Seize him.

I'm seized.

I wish I was upside down.

Looks kind of fun.

Is it fun?

So you're not talking to me?

We're not friends anymore,

after all I've done for you?

- What have you done for me?

- I brought you out of your shell.

Yeah? I liked my shell.

I liked the village.

Because of you, I'm in this horrible

place where brothers kill brothers...

...and they burn women

and they make people slaves.

People cut off

the ends of their penises...

...and their testicles and I'm

never gonna see Eema again...

...and it's because of you.

Please forgive me.

I mean, you are my best friend.

I hate the world! I hate you!

And now I'm hanging upside down

and I really have to pee.

I know I'm not perfect.

And maybe I made a few wrong turns,

but you gotta understand I'm chosen.

That's a lot of responsibility.

You can't even imagine.

The only one that thinks that you're

chosen is you. So shut up already!

I'm gonna get us out of this thing

if it's the last thing I do.

That was just my first idea.

I'm also accepting ideas.

Guard!

The upside down prisoner has to pee!

Oh, I'm peeing.

Oh, no.

Try to keep your mouth closed.

Oh, no. In the nose.

Hey, I'm peeing on my face too,

on the inside.

I hate you.

Observe, my dear...

...since it was you

who lured him to his death.

"For the crimes of blasphemy...

...heresy...

...conspiracy..."

- What you thinking about?

- "Treachery...

...leprosy..."

Trying to make conversation.

"Puppetry...

...hyperbole..."

- Your hair looks really good today.

- I peed all over it.

- Then that's the secret, I guess.

"Sodomy..."

- Oh, it's "refusal of sodomy."

- Yeah!

Can you just forgive me?

I think I hate you too much.

"Lechery

and the murder of my brother, Abel."

- Oh, come on!

- Shut it!

For these, and other crimes...

...the prisoners shall be stoned...

...to death!

- Wait! Can I make a suggestion?

- What?

Just have one person throw stones

at us.

In fact, I think it would be fair if you

let us choose who gets to stone us.

No. That doesn't make any...

- We want that guy.

- That guy.

- Me?

- That's our stoner.

What, just because I'm a eunuch

you don't think I can throw?

I'll show you throwing.

No, no. No, no, no! Gross.

Did he just hurl his own ball at him?

How spectacular.

No! That doesn't count.

That was a testicle.

I think it counts.

- Pick somebody else.

- What is that idiot doing?

- I pick that guy!

- Nice.

- This guy?

- No, no, the shorter man.

Right in front of him.

It's a kid. This is a kid.

So? You got something against kids?

This guy hates kids.

- Let me smite him!

- Kid hater!

- One shot!

- No, they're our future!

All right. Hey, go ahead and...

Okay. I'm hit.

Holy sh*t, that kid's got an arm.

God. There's two of us.

Are you guys happy now?

Okay! Everybody on this side,

on the count of three! One, two...

Wait! I have a question for the king.

Why didn't I die in the Holy of Holies?

Yes! I entered the Holy of Holies

and, lo, I did not die.

Why? Because I was chosen

by the gods!

Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!

- Spare the chosen one!

- And his friend!

- And his young friend.

- Don't kill either of them.

Everyone knows

the chosen gets a plus one.

Is it possible? Is he truly chosen?

Well, of course it's possible.

Highly doubtful.

Majesty, with respect...

...whether he is chosen or not

is no longer the issue.

If you were to kill him now,

given the public mood...

...it could inflame the situation

so as...

...to cause a radical regime change.

If you take my meaning.

Yes, that will do.

It is the judgment of our merciful king

that the prisoners be enslaved...

...to toil at hard labor until they die

of starvation or exhaustion!

Yes!

And how is that better?

You seem to enjoy your work.

How long have you been a slave?

Oh, I'm not a slave. I'm a volunteer.

Marlak. Enmebaragesi.

Long time no see.

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