Yoga Hosers

1

Not

Not

Not

Now we're Glamthrax

And we take no sh*t

And we don't care

for writing hits

The sound you hear

is what we like

And I'll steal your

puppets like I stole your...

Socks.

Yo, man,

what's the matter with you?

Sorry, I'll get it next time,

I promise.

Colleen beats the beats,

the beats you beat

The only thing harder

is the smell of my feet

So listen up 'cause

you might get dissed

go drain the lizard or take a...

Chair.

Damn, c'mon, girl,

watch the beat.

I'm on your case

I'm in your face

Get you and your

father back in place

Step up sucker understand

- Don't you know that...

- I'm the man.

- I'm the man

- I'm bad

I'm so bad

I should be in detention.

I'm the man!

All right.

We've got real def rhythms

And fresh new jams

You say we got egos

But we're just hams

Roof sh*t, top shelf

And we like to skate

But we're never on time,

we're always...

- Sleeping.

- Late.

Damn it.

The important thing

is that you tried.

Yeah.

I'm on your case

I'm in your face

Put you and your

father back in place

Step up sucker, understand

- Don't you know that...

- I'm the man.

I'm the man, I'm bad.

I'm so bad I should be

in detention.

- I'm the man!

- All right

So

As this rap is winding down

It's plain to see

we wear the crown

You know Glamthrax is number one

But we don't care,

we just wanna have...

A festival.

Fun, Colleen,

girls just wanna have fun.

Hey, that's a song

Colleen

Mailed the mail,

the mail she mailed

We are the queens

so all shall hail

We're like a diamond is forever

And we'll remain the hardest

Ever

I'm so bad it's a crime.

Not.

Not, not, not, not-not

Woo!

Yeah.

Look at his cute little nipples.

Oh, my god, Ichabod, cover up.

You know, I don't have to come

and beat the skins

for you two Beliebers.

- Shut up.

- Yeah.

You know we love you, Icha-wad.

Remember when he ripped

off his shirt before

and we saw his yummy Icha-bod?

I nearly wrote a whole blog about

it, girl, hasthtag Ichagod.

- You did?

- I did not.

Not, not, not-not

No.

- Sh*t.

- No, what's that noise?

Oh, no, do you two

uncompromising rebel riot girls

actually have to

go back to work?

- Shut up, Icha-bodily functions.

- Yeah.

Excuse me,

Condescending Riot Girls.

Uh, we'll take two packs of

smokes, gimme a bag of milk,

and why don't you throw in

the best most exciting years

of your life

stuck behind a counter, eh?

You're a dick, Ichabod.

Oh, that's mean.

I call you Dickabod.

I can't believe it took you this

long to think of Dickabod!

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Now, that was a lot

longer than 10 minutes.

My best friend was having lady

problems in the bathroom, okay?

May I shop?

Sure.

Sir Pedophile-in-Denial.

So I'll see you guys Friday, eh?

I said, eh?

Wunderbar

Hi.

Um, True Norths,

this week's issue of Them,

and his Pucky Charms.

And, um...

Condoms.

Oh, my god,

this is about you two.

Yes, ma'am, and we hate it.

It says here

that you saved a man's life.

But it's, like, dumb

because the guy was a walrus

- and not a manatee.

- There's a big difference.

Yeah, a walrus has

tusks and manatees don't.

Did you know they called

the manatee a sea cow?

Moo, I'm utterly underwater, eh?

Moo, moo, eh?

That's her underwater cow,

it's hysterical.

That is funny. C'mon, Wayne.

Moo, moo, moo.

I'm a loser, eh?

Okay, that kid rules.

More of that,

less of everything else ever.

Hunter Calloway's here,

Hunter Calloway's here!

Oh, my god,

could you stop being so basic?

Oh, I gotta Gram the sh*t

outta this.

The little Colleen Coalition.

The only sassy, sexy...

sophomores in Honors history

rockin' the smocks.

Where's the Pepto Bismol?

Ew, it's over there.

Sorry aboot that,

he's such a sitcom.

Yeah, well,

we close in 20 minutes,

so if he pukes,

you're cleaning it up.

Let me ask you somethin',

you ladies like workin' the Zed?

- Not at all.

- Customers make it suck.

Yeah, you know what

wouldn't suck?

Colleen and Colleen

with me in between.

The very definition of suck.

Are the Colleen's, perchance,

working tomorrow?

Not on a Friday night, no way.

We're off, why?

I would like to invite

you both to my party.

A senior party?

A neenior nardy?

Now with two very

cool sophomores.

May I have the honor of

your number, mademoiselle?

Who's there?

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

- Wunderbar.

Oh, oh.

Get out of my bum!

A grade 12 party with boys?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not aboot to let you go to a

grade 12 party with boys, Colleen.

It's just a grade 12 party,

it's not the Nazi Party.

Senior boys only invite sophomore

girls to parties for one thing.

Well, me and Colleen don't do that.

And even if we did,

we have our periods this week.

No, you don't, little liar.

We're always in-sync and I don't

get mine for two more weeks.

Holy sh*t, you still get

your period Ms. McKenzie?

Please, you have to

let me go to this party.

It's only the most important

night of my entire life.

No way. Just the thought of

going to a grade 12 party

has you lying to me about

your menstrual cycle.

And you know a woman's menstrual

cycle is sacred, Colleen.

I'm talking aboot

the period blood of women.

Please, just let me go, Mom.

I promise won't sellout

on my gender ever again.

On one condition,

you bring something stabby.

They get cute, they get cut.

Holy sh*t.

I call her The Mohel,

she's my date knife.

Thanks.

So we start with

Pretentious Frog.

Pretentious Frog,

"I only eat grass-fed flies."

The Dissatisfied Customer.

Dissatisfied Customer.

"I don't like

the product you've given me."

Atlas Shrugged, Atlas Shrugged.

We've got Atlas

and then we shrug.

Do Lasers from the Wrists,

Lasers from the Wrists.

Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett.

Awkward Conversationalist,

we put our foot in a mouth.

Foot in the mouth.

Upward Dog, our favorite canine.

Downward Dog.

Here we go

Three-Legged Dog.

That's sad, Three-Legged Dog,

look at that dog.

But you know what's sadder?

Two-Legged Dog,

and he's in his little pushcart,

his little makeshift wheelbarrow

and he's pushing himself along.

We push right into

Lotus Position.

And we feel positive

energy all around us.

And let's hold onto that

positive energy in the room.

But, you know,

I did read on the message boards

at CanadianCorpses.com

that they've been finding

body parts all over Winnipeg

for the last few months.

Body parts?

Oh, yeah, arms, legs,

heads, scalps, torsos,

feet, hands, nipples, dinkies.

Dinkies?

I said, "Take my dinky first,

but leave me my nipples."

It's basically a vestigial

dinky at this point.

But you take my nipples,

and that's my identity.

There's some real negativity in

the world, girls. But remember,

negative space can still be a design

asset, as long as you live the Yoga Way.

And you breathe the Yoga Way.

And. yes, you even have to

sh*t the Yoga Way.

Seriously. sit in Lotus Position

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