Yoga Hosers Page #2

next time you're on the toilet,

everything just falls out of you.

Like you're dumping a book bag.

A book bag full of poo.

Go.

Okay. let me see.

That one's cute. that one's cute,

don't post that one though.

Okay. yeah, you look basic.

Oh. what in the ham and

eggs is this all about?

It looks like a

Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

What'd you do. rob a mall?

- Hi. Dad.

- Hi, Mr. Collette.

What are you doin'

with all these clothes?

- We're screening outfits.

- Oh. yeah?

Whatever gets the most likes. we

wear to the party tomorrow night.

A grade 12 party.

No!

A grade 12 party already eh?

Oh. where did my little girl go?

Aw. stop.

You two are gonna make me cry.

- I'm back.

- Hey. hey!

That's gonna make me cry.

- Hey. Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- A little tongue

- I bit ya. eh?

I got a bite!

Oh. my god. It looks like

a Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

I know. I know.

What is this.

What are you two doing?

They're picking out their

outfits for a party tomorrow.

A grade 12 party.

Oh.

- Big time. big time.

- Oh. with seniors now.

I know.

She's only supposed to go

to sophomore mixers. I thought.

Yeah. right. C'mon. Tabs,

we all know you can't think.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. okay.

When I went to count out

the register tonight.

The back room was a mess.

Yeah?

Colleen.

Okay. they can't be

practicing in the back

of the store anymore. Bob.

Last year. they blew out

the power with their amps.

Yeah. it's bad enough the

two of them are always

with their faces in their

phones behind the counter.

Such pretty faces too.

Pretty faces.

Lock up the store and go

play their so-called music

in the backroom with

that pederast loser.

- He's not a loser.

- God knows what else. eh?

That's disgusting.

Absolutely disgusting.

And. like. who are we? You?

Skeezing on losers

is your superpower.

This isn't skeezing. okay?

I fell in love with your father.

After he made you manager.

And as manager.

You know what I've noticed?

Where'd all the

beaver stuffies go?

Not the beavers!

Oh yeah.

- No. that's a big seller.

- Yeah. yeah.

They didn't sell 'em.

I checked the receipts.

She checked

She checked the receipts.

Where'd all my beavers go?

Frankly. Tabitha. I don't

give a damn about your beavers.

Goddamned yoga hosers.

Where's little

Miss Wo-Manager going?

We're just gonna go in

our room and we're gonna

I'm gonna we're just gonna

go watch a movie.

- Okay?

- Oh can you just do me a favor?

Can you just leave

the door open. though?

Love you. Dad.

Close the door. Bob.

All the way. Bob.

She told me not to.

God. she's the daughter.

Bob, not the parent.

You're in charge. not her.

What do you want me to do. eh'?

That's my little girl.

That's my little girl.

I'm your little girl. Bob.

Bob. do you wanna ride

the Ferris Wheel. Bob?

Don't talk about the

Ferris Wheel. don't talk about

Wanna go for a ride

on the Ferris Wheel?

I don't wanna Oh!

You wanna jump in

the bouncy house?

You'll let me jump

in the bouncy house?

Twice.

- Oh. my god.

- What. you finished already?

Oh. come on.

I'm sorry. sorry.

What is she playing?

Babe I'm leavin'

I must be on my way

- The time is drawing near.

I used to sing this to her

when she was a baby.

- My train is going

- I see it in your eyes.

The love. the need,

your tears.

She she just remembers it.

But I'll be lonely without you

And I'll need your love

to see me through.

She's just growing up so fast.

You know?

So please believe me my

heart is in your hands.

Cause' I'll be missing you.

You know it's you Babe.

Whenever I get weary

and I've had enough.

Feel like giving up.

- - You know

it's you Babe.

Giving me the courage and

the strength I need.

Please believe

That it's true.

Babe I love you.

Goddamned yoga hosers.

You know it's you Babe.

Whenever I get weary

and I've had enough.

Feel like giving up.

You know it's you Babe.

Giving me the courage and

the strength I need.

Please believe that it's true.

Babe I love you.

Babe I love you.

Oooh... Babe.

Ladies. Up Dog.

One. two. three.

What a farce.

I can't believe they

actually have the balls

- to try to call this Yoga.

- I know.

How are ya. girls?

Ms. Wicklund.

You photo bombed us.

Way hip. Ms. Wick.

What makes you two

think that you can sit out

of my yoga class this morning?

This isn't yoga.

This is like a parody of yoga.

And our yoga instructor gave us this

note to give to you. Ms. Wicklund.

We have permission to

sit oot anytime you do yoga

here in Phys Ed because he

doesn't want his teachings

derailed by what he calls.

"The abortion of Phys Ed Yoga."

Well far be it me to argue

with a strip-mall swami.

Uh. technically he's a yogi.

Right?

Technically.

There's a school honor policy

aboot camera phones in PE.

There is?

Do any of you ladies want

to be photographed by these

two while you're all

sweatin' like hogs?

- No.

- I didn't think so.

Is she talking aboot us'?

No. she's talking aboot the

other two Colleens behind us.

I'm talkin' aboot

you're entire generation.

Generation Why Me? I call it.

You live on your phones.

You have no idea how to function like

normal people in the real world.

Ms. Wicklund.

This isn't the real world.

This is Canada.

Oh. is that right. eh'?

Well. how about you save

your Can-bashin' sass

for your tweets.

And your Facebookins'.

And try clickin' like on this.

Girls.

No phones for the

rest of the day!

What?

You can get 'em back at 2:45.

After the last bell.

Ms. Wicklund.

Our phones are who we are.

If you take away my phone like I'm

some sort of pygmy in Monaco.

- Who am I supposed to be?

- I feel like I'm going to pass oot.

And now Colleen M.'s

having hot flashes.

You're on a new

phone plan now. girls.

Unlimited minutes. unlimited

looks to the world around you.

And no roaming charges.

So go roam.

Withoot your phones!

Here I go.

Are you happy. Ms. Wicklund?

You killed Colleen.

- The gym floor was really hard.

- I know. it's okay.

Greetings.

Cess-bearing scholars.

Are you ready to go deep

inside the annals of history?

We're still talking aboot

World War ll.

Fascists. Genocide.

The worst thing that has

ever happened to human kind.

Why do we even gotta learn about

this old stuff anyway. Ms. Maurice?

I mean. it happened. like.

A million miles away,

like a million years ago.

Mon dieu?

You all think history

is so boring.

Well. what if I told you.

During World War ll.

There were Nazis right here.

In Winnipeg?

All of them making

preparation for the day Hitler

finally came to conquer

Canada and the United States.

There were Nazis here in Canada.

Ms. Maurice?

Let's see. what can

I tell you about Canadian Nazis?

Well. many years back

in the 1930's there was

a great depression

in the True North.

Canadians were hungry.

Some turned their hunger into anger.

And they looked for

someone else to blame for

the country's financial woes.

And as a result. in Toronto.

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