Yoga Hosers Page #3

The first Swastika Club opens.

A pub full of drunks.

Offering up anti-Semitic rabble

aboot deporting Canadian Jews

to the Hudson Bay.

Wait. they wanted

to send them shopping?

Not to the Hudson Bay

department store. Ms. Collette.

I'm talkin' aboot the

actual Hudson Bay.

Like.

Put them all oot in the water'?

That's just so wrong.

The Canadian Union of

Fascists was founded right here.

In Winnipeg by a Manitoban.

And over in Quebec. you had

the big kahuna of crazy himself.

The nuttiest of all nut bars.

Adrien Arcand.

The self-proclaimed

Canadian fuhrer.

So. this Arcand guy was.

Like. Canadian Hitler?

Is that as bad as.

Like. Canadian Idol?

- Nothing's as bad as Canadian Idol.

- Right?

Let me take you back to

a time in Canadian History

this nation has tried

so very hard to forget.

In this trying time...

Adrien Arcand

was an anti-Semitic journalist

in Montreal who spearheaded

a series of fascist political

movements in Quebec before

the start of World War ll.

Why are you hungry?

Why are you unemployed?

Is it. as our ally in Germany.

Adolf Hitler. tells us,

the fault of the Canadian Jew?

Yes. it is!

Now Henry Hamilton Beamish

suggests that to save

Canada from ethnic ruin.

We must send all Canadian Jews

to Madagascar.

Instead. we at the Parti

National have a better plan.

First. we will round

up all Canadian Jews

and ship them off

to the Hudson Bay.

Then we will fire cannons

at their boats

and sink them!

Why are you not applauding?

Naturally.

These atrocious ideas

were met with derisions

from the good and

mighty people of Quebec.

This plan is the sh*t!

But not everyone in

attendance that day was from Quebec.

Wunderbar! Wunderbar!

Andronicus Arcane

was a brilliant scientist

from Berlin who was teaching at the

University of Lachute in Quebec

when he first heard the

clarion call of the Nazi Party.

So. Adrien Arcand took Andronicus

Arcane under his wing.

And soon there were more.

These jackbooted thugs

would torment immigrants

and minorities

throughout Montreal.

They called themselves the

National Unity Party of Canada.

Which was a very

polite way of saying

Canadian Nazis.

So what ever happened

to these guys. Ms. Maurice?

They ever get caught?

In 1940 the Service de

Quebec arrested Adrien Arcand.

And under the War Measures Act.

Arcand was locked up

as a security threat to

our home and native land.

He died in 1967 still believing

Hitler would rise again.

But what aboot

the man from Berlin?

Oh. Yeah. What aboot him?

Andronicus Arcane?

He was never found.

Poof!

He just disappeared.

Poof?

Perfect timing class dismissed.

How basic.

Straight from the Eh-to-Zed

it's the Mountie McBeaver Doll.

Oh. Where did

all my beaver stuffies go?

Well. frankly Tabitha.

I don't give a damn

about your beavers.

Are you doing me'?

- That's hysterical.

- I know.

C'mon. Isn't anybody on duty?

Who's dropping a

doodie in my office? Oh!

What a nice surprise.

It's Lulu and Lemon.

Good afternoon

Principle Invincible.

Good afternoon.

Colleen squared.

We're here for our phones.

We haven't had them since PE.

Ms. Wicklund unjustly

confiscated them.

And Colleen here fainted.

- I passed oot.

- Oh!

We're not

pressing charges or anything.

We're not going crazy.

We just want our

phones back now. please.

Oh. Of course girls.

And I am so. so sorry

that that happened to you.

The sad tale of

heart-wrenching woe.

I mean. it could win an Oscar.

Really. you could write it up,

sell it, and win an Oscar.

Seriously. you could call it.

Um. Twelve Years a Private

School Student.

You see what I did there?

I compared your privileged

lives to slaves.

And that's weird.

'Cause I'm black.

That's not funny.

Sorry.

Principle Invincible.

Here.

And keep your faces

out of your phones.

I don't care if they do have

a cool gummy rubber cover

that you can personalize.

- We have the same case!

- I know.

Very trendy. my friendy.

Oh. Ladies. I am an educator.

It is my job to shape the minds

of the young and the stupid.

So I need to be able to think.

Like the young and the stupid.

Which means I'm not gonna let

my students be cooler than me.

I do my research.

I read this rag. weekly.

Oh my god.

We read that every week.

Oh. I know.

The "Famous People Are Just

Like You" page is the best.

You know. when they, like,

show the celebrities

doing normal things.

Like. just like us.

That is the best

part of Them Weekly.

One time they showed

Harry Styles buying bacon.

- It was so hot.

- So hot.

Okay. all right.

I need to run this school.

Be good Colleens.

And be nice, all right'?

There's enough haters

in the world already.

Yes.

Principle Invincible.

Oh my god. my phone's dead,

my phone's dead!

Oh my god! My phone's dead!

Children should

not play with dead things.

Bonjour.

My name is Guy Lapointe.

Righty-oh. So the good news is

your school library does

indeed have a copy of my book.

Guy Lapointe and the Quite Queer

Case of the Manitoba Manatee.

The bad news is. regrettably.

Some naughty student

has decided to deface it

by changing the word "Guy"

and adding in "A"

so that it says "Gay".

And also.

They added a set of testicles

right under my nose.

You see that? You see that?

With that kind of.

You know, awful poking hair,

I don't know why.

Sticking out of them.

You can put it down now.

Oh. Okay.

Haters have got to hate.

Like the douches have to douche.

That's the life.

Right there in a nutshell.

I'm not referring to

that nutshell either.

I don't know if you

guys remember this.

But you know we did meet

once before. Do you?

- Oh. We remember you.

- You do?

Yeah. you came to Eh-2-Zed

with that American girl

and that podcaster.

Yeah. You're the legendary

man hunter from Quebec.

Yes. I am that man.

The man who saved

the Winnipeg Walrus.

Wow. you know something?

That's a very good title.

Guy Lapointe and

the Winnipeg Walrus.

Goddammit.

I should've chose that title.

But. you know, still, we did

okay without it. I mean...

One critic even described

my book as. like.

You know. like a uh,

John Grisham-ist thriller

who was set in the Canada.

That review I

showed to my mother.

- Aw.

- Mm.

And you know, that was. like, the

good one, and the rest of them were

not so kind. you see.

I read one from the

Toronto Paper that said.

"This is what happens when

you publish poop."

People can be goddamn

mean. You know?

Sorry. That was very rude.

Sorry aboot that.

Right. on to my

questions then.

Do either of you recognize

this very proud and

quite hairy Canadian?

That was that giant fart

that called us yoga hosers.

- Oh. Toilet Paper Man.

- Yeah.

Why Toilet Paper Man?

Cause he bought toilet paper.

- He bought toilet paper.

- Duh.

And for this reason alone you call

this man the Toilet Paper Man?

- Well. yeah.

- Yeah.

I don't mean to be a critic.

Maybe I do.

Maybe you need to be hurt.

I'm telling you now. that is

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