Yoga Hosers Page #4

one of the stupidest names

I ever heard in my life.

Very unimaginative.

- That's pretty rude.

- Yeah.

This man's name is

the Francois Jois.

He's from Gatineau. Quebec.

And he was a fugitive

from the law. and he was

hiding out right here.

Hiding from what?

He was hiding from the

investigating prowess of

the Service de Quebec.

Which is kind of a joke.

Because. like, they couldn't

find their own butt holes

even with. like, a butt hole

application on their telephone

to find their butt hole.

Okay.

I probably shouldn't say

butt hole

to two 14-year-old girls.

I'm so sorry.

We're 15 and a half.

Well. whatever.

You sold a roll of Eh-2-Zed

discount brand bathroom tissue

to the Toilet Paper Man

at what time?

Right aboot closing.

Yeah. he was all mad because

we had the store closed

for. like, five minutes 'cause

we were going to the bathroom.

You went to the

bathroom together?

Well. yeah.

I had to poop and I don't like to

go alone there. The toilet's weird.

So while she's pooping.

You're sitting there with her?

Yeah. we're best

friends. Yeah.

Why would we not'?

That's quite disgusting.

Best of luck on your

academic journey.

Um. I don't know what you

plan to do in life.

But I can promise you that

you won't need algebra.

I knew it.

Good day.

Well. wait.

What'd Toilet Paper Man do?

Oh.

So. Toilet Paper Man was killed.

Oh my god.

He was cut into.

Like. a hundred pieces.

Ew. no way.

Well anyway. you two

girls with the same name,

I thank you so

much for your time.

And I give you the Au Revoir

that I should have

given you before.

I thank you.

Okay.

Ew. Why did your dad

text me. like, 37 times?

Oh my god.

He's making us work tonight.

You're going to Niagara Falls?

Yup. Cruising like a couple

of Californians. How bout that?

- Right now?

- Yeah.

You can't leave.

It's Niagara Falls. Colleen.

We're settin' sail on

the Maid of the Mist.

When did this happen?

Oh. Tabitha surprised me with it

as an early

birthday present this morning.

Tabitha.

Okay. you listen to me.

I left you 10 messages

and a bushel of texts.

I'm sorry. but you gotta

work at the store tonight.

We can't. actually.

Yes. you can. Colleen M., 'cause

I cleared it with your mom

and you're going to be staying with

the McKenzies until Sunday morning.

Mr. Collette. we got invited

to a grade 12 party tonight.

Do you not remember?

All I remember is Tabitha

telling me somethin' about

flying to Niagara Falls. and after

that it is a blur of bliss.

So happy. Bob.

I'll get that for ya.

I love the leopard print.

I love the leopard print.

Okay girls. you're gonna be

working from six pm

until closing and don't forget

to set the alarm before

you lock up. okay?

You did this on purpose.

Didn't you?

You could have taken him any

day. but you picked today.

Just so we couldn't go

to the party.

I have no idea what you're

talking aboot. Colleen.

Goddamned yoga hosers.

I love you so much.

Cauliflower. I love you so much.

Listen. no boys. no boys.

No bull, no boys, no boys.

- Okay. I gotta go.

- Dad. Dad!

- Dad. Dad!

You can't leave.

- Come on. please.

- Dad. we have...

No!

Oh. my god!

No. no. no. no, no.

Oh. you are killing me,

do you understand me'?

Killing me!

Bark all you want.

Lawyer pants USA.

I am not ceasing or desisting.

Oh. ls that so?

Well. I think you're being

rather obtuse and super fruity.

So let's just say Namaste.

And leave it at that. eh?

Namaste.

You piece of beaver sh*t.

Beaver sh*t?

Sorry. girls.

I am so sorry you girls

had to hear that parasite

stealing my energies.

With his legal entitlement.

Why does that lawyer

from Warner Brothers even

keep calling you Yogi Bayer'?

Oh. who knows?

He says there's some cartoon

character that I'm violating.

I mean. how can you

violate a cartoon?

How do you own a cartoon. right'?

Yeah.

It's like a thing that doesn't exist.

It's like owning a leprechaun.

Rude.

So rude.

Okay. let's get back into it.

Enough Sasketoonin'.

Let's get

back into our Warrior One.

Up to Perfection. Colleen C..

Hold that pose Colleen M..

Hold it.

Warrior Two.

Come and get me now.

You serenity stealers.

All you need to handle

any situation in life.

Are the Warrior One and

Warrior Two positions. girls.

Okay?

Master those and you will master

anyone who gives you sh*t.

Now let's go Lotus for

our closing meditation.

Yoga teaches us to take

what the universe gives.

And what?

- Embrace it?

- Nope.

Fight against it.

You fight against it.

Yoga demands that we grab

the universe by the throat

and we just choke it until

it bends to our will.

We inflict yoga on our enemies

until they join us in peace.

Always be peaceful change girls.

But if you have to. you destroy

everything that threatens

anyone or anything that you

love by hook or by crook.

That's the yoga way.

Wow.

Please join me

in a final prayer.

Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

Yoga Fett.

Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

And sorry not sorry.

Confetti feel.

Caller. go ahead.

Oh. hey Bob, big fan

and a first time caller...

Hey. pack of True North Menthol.

Those are lights.

Sorry aboot that.

You know girls.

That's just not very Canadian.

C'mon Robin.

Let's get out of here.

When is one's

virginity technically lost'?

Like when what is the process

when you're going

through the sex process

of losing virginity.

That process?

How can one come out at

the end and then say like...

- Hunter's calling.

- So answer.

Hello?

Colleen McKenzie!

Hunter.

Where you at?

You're missing a killer

grade 12 party over here.

Please don't hate us. but we

got called into work tonight.

That sucks.

Yeah. it really sucks.

Because there's like.

Nobody here tonight either.

Holy sh*t.

What?

We could have a

party right here.

Hunter. Hello.

This is Colleen C.

We unfortunately cannot make

it to your party tonight

but we want to invite

you to another party...

At Eh-2-Zed.

Hold on. this sh*t's loud,

let me go in the bedroom

so I can hear.

Ah ha. sweet.

Sweet dude.

You want me to bring

the party to you guys?

Won't your dad flip if we're

drinkin' beers in the 'Zed?

Oh. don't you worry aboot that.

My dad's long gone in Niagara

Falls with the store manager.

And bring beers.

We don't have any booze here.

Did you say b*obs?

Booze-uh.

Booze-uh.

What time should

we head to the Zed?

Nine o'clock?

Perfect. We'll be there.

And I can't wait...

to see you. Colleen M.

Show you what I'm

really all aboot.

What the hell was that?

Here we go.

Going to the Zed

again is so stupid.

Sorry.

Now. follow me on this. Gordon.

These girls just gift-wrapped

themselves for us.

We were gonna have

to dig shallow graves

after we cut 'em up.

Now we're goin' to their store.

We kill 'em in the store.

Sh*t, we can take our time,

do it right.

We can leave their bodies

right between the Pucky Charms

and the Chug-a-lugs.

And all we gotta do is take

the money from the register.

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