Yoga Hosers Page #5

Break some sh*t

on the way oot...

And make it look like a

failed robbery gone bad. eh?

These stupid sophomore b*tches

want to have a party at the Zed?

We'll give 'em a party at the Zed.

Their farewell party. yo.

Where should I kiss

Hunter tonight?

Ew. lips only.

I mean. in the store?

Keep it tasteful. McKenzie. Don't

whore him on the first date.

Casual. not contrived.

You give the best advice.

You're my best friend

in the whole world.

Aw. you're mine.

Hear that?

That's our destiny

knocking at the backdoor.

Hi.

Ladies. we are here to

cordially accept your invitation

to party hardy.

We?

Party. yeah!

What's he doing here?

And where's everybody else?

Hmm. where's everybody else?

Well. when I made

the other seniors

the same very generous

offer you made me

to move the party here.

Yeah. they all laughed at you.

Tonya Simmons said. and I quote.

"A party at the scummy Eh-2-Zed

with those two little

girls from honors history?

No way. eh?"

"I'd rather kiss

Gordon Greenleaf."

I'd rather kiss...

She didn't say that. man.

She was thinkin' it.

Anyways. I've never

been much of a follower.

So I left all

those losers behind

and came here to

hang with you two.

You left your own party?

Parties are basic.

This is better.

This is what they call in

the states. a kickback.

States. Eh?

And. I brought Gordon

so Colleen C. would have

someone to talk to while

little Miss Colleen M. gives me

a private tour.

Looks like it's just us. eh?

Maybe we should form

the Just Us League?

A little kickback hookup.

Yeah... heh.

So this is the

Eh-2-Zed backroom. again.

Epic.

Colleen and I call

it the Highway to Hell.

'Cause Eh-2-Zed's right

through that door.

And Eh-2-Zed's

pretty much our hell.

Highway to Hell?

Mm-Hmm.

Wow.

Devil talk always

gives me goosebumps.

Oh?

See

See

Yeah.

You believe in Satan?

I used to believe in Santa.

Does that count?

So basic.

Mmmmm.

Me and Gordon

are way into Satan.

Ooh.

Kind of like how you and

Colleen are way into yoga.

Or your band'?

Yeah.

Now. the good news is that

we're Canadian Satanists.

So we don't go in for

any of that touchy stuff.

Your virtue stays intact.

It's gotta.

You know why?

Why?

You see.

Satan seeks his souls pure.

And there are no virgins

in grade 12.

- Mm-hmm.

- All the virgins are in grade 10.

Well. I've just been

waiting for the right person.

In the right place.

You are so adorable. McKenzie.

You think I want your body?

I don't want your body.

I just want your untouched.

Virgin soul.

Okay.

But. well,

the sh*t sandwich of it all,

I kinda gotta cut

you open to get to it.

Oh.

You know. I'll be right back.

Just one sec.

Colleen!

I thank you for your sacrifice.

Colleen M.

Every pure soul I give to

Satan brings me one step closer

to meeting the beast

and that's gonna be so metal.

What the hell's that?

That's my mom's date knife

pointed at your balls.

Okay.

Is that enough metal for you.

Or do you want more?

Oh. no. no. no, no.

Can we talk aboot this?

Talk to The Mohel.

Okay. okay.

Put the knife down. pretty boy.

Okay. knife's down.

I guess I got a

little carried away there.

Sorry aboot that.

And I was gonna let

you get to second base.

There's something inside of me.

- Are you okay?

- Help me.

Oh my god!

Wunderbar!

Colleen?

Colleen?

Here we go.

Colleen?

Colleen?

McKenzie?

Gordon. please.

Stop begging. okay?

You are not getting any.

My ass.

Gordon. I swear to God. If you

puke. you're cleaning it up.

Somethin' just

crawled up in my ass!

Is this what happens

when you smoke weed?

Oh no!

Oh my god.

Uh. Colleen?

Wunderbar!

Hey.

What the hell was that?

Nein. Nein. Nein. nein.

Nein.

- Sh... Sheisse!

- Oh hell no!

- Shut up.

- Nein! - Shut up!

Nein. Nein. Nein!

Nein. Nein. Nein. nein, nein!

Auf Wiedersehen.

Did you know Hunter Calloway

was religious?

Oh you piece of sh*t!

Shut up!

- Pull.

- Ew. no.

- Pull!

- Okay. okay, okay, okay.

Nein stretchy. Nein stretchy!

Uhh.. Ah.

Ahh... Ahhh.

Mein Kampf.

Security lights.

911. eh?

Hello? We're being attacked

by little sausage men.

With concentrated

sauerkraut for blood.

That look like Adolf Hitler.

Go.

Oh. Hitler. eh?

Well. he sure is a nasty camper.

Worse than Dr. Doom and

Darth Vader combined.

Yeah. boy.

Shut up. old man.

Send a bunch of cops to the

Eh-2-Zed on Portage and Wayne

- and bring some body bags.

- Little ones.

Hurry!

Hello? Hello?

Goddamned yoga hosers.

Wunderbar.

Man.

We've got wieners.

Check over there.

Wunderbar!

Seriously?

Sausage party.

I don't wanna die in Canada!

We're not gonna die in Canada.

- There's no other way oot!

- There's always another way.

The Yoga Way.

- The Yoga Way?

- The Yoga Way.

Okay. Warrior One.

- Hold it. McKenzie. Hold it.

- Okay.

Warrior Two. back to back.

Das frauleins!

Now. on Warrior Three.

We yoga the sh*t out of these

- bratwurst b*tches. Okay?

- Okay.

Warrior three.

I'm not even supposed

to be here today!

Schnell!

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Sheisse!

- Take off!

- Nein. Wunderbar!

Thank you.

Yo.

Slapshot.

I've got aboot 10 left.

I've got aboot the same.

Then let's drop that puck. Go!

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Wow.

Freeze.

Hands up. Hands up.

Don't you move.

You goddamn yoga hosers!

RCMP. freeze.

This is so basic.

This is beyond basic.

- So basic.

- Shh.

Stop it.

I'm itchy.

Stop it.

All right. C'mon. c'mon, c'mon.

All right. You got aboot ten

minutes before the RCMP come back.

I'll try to stall 'em

as long as I can.

You know. thank you

very much for doing this.

I cannot know how to

repay you for this.

No. No. Thank you.

Look. this book, is my bible.

And you're like a goddamn

Canadian Batman. Eh?

Oh. That is so touching.

I cannot believe.

I'll stall for a second.

Um. I thought that maybe

you might need a stiff drink.

You saw my mom?

Where is she?

Well. she's out there and she's

trying to post bail. You know.

Your father. who's name

I think is Bob Collette.

They are having a heck of a time

getting in touch with that man.

He's in Niagara Falls.

The RCMP will not let your mommy

bail you out of here

because the RCMP don't ever let.

Eh. serial killers out on bail.

And they're saying

that you are both

the serial killers

because you killeded those...

Those eh. two boys, you know.

You killed the absolute

sh*t out of them.

But we didn't kill the boys.

We didn't kill anybody.

They were gonna kill us.

- They were devil worshipers.

- Yeah.

I don't really know much about

the devil. but there we go.

Somebody sure put their poop-holes

through hell. You know?

We didn't do this.

Who did then?

It was the Bratzis.

Bratzis?

I want to know what this

Bratzi is. What is a Bratzi?

It's like a foot-tall Canadian

Nazi and it's made of Bratwurst.

They have concentrated

sauerkraut for blood.

And they dress like

Mountie Beaver stuffies.

Are you guys tripping

on the pot?

I mean do you even hear

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes