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Yoga Hosers Page #5
- PG-13
- Year:
- 2016
- 88 min
- 630 Views
Break some sh*t
on the way oot...
And make it look like a
failed robbery gone bad. eh?
These stupid sophomore b*tches
want to have a party at the Zed?
We'll give 'em a party at the Zed.
Their farewell party. yo.
Where should I kiss
Hunter tonight?
Ew. lips only.
I mean. in the store?
Keep it tasteful. McKenzie. Don't
whore him on the first date.
Casual. not contrived.
You give the best advice.
You're my best friend
in the whole world.
Aw. you're mine.
Hear that?
That's our destiny
knocking at the backdoor.
Hi.
Ladies. we are here to
cordially accept your invitation
to party hardy.
We?
Party. yeah!
What's he doing here?
And where's everybody else?
Hmm. where's everybody else?
Well. when I made
the other seniors
the same very generous
offer you made me
to move the party here.
Yeah. they all laughed at you.
Tonya Simmons said. and I quote.
"A party at the scummy Eh-2-Zed
with those two little
girls from honors history?
No way. eh?"
"I'd rather kiss
Gordon Greenleaf."
I'd rather kiss...
She didn't say that. man.
She was thinkin' it.
Anyways. I've never
been much of a follower.
So I left all
those losers behind
and came here to
hang with you two.
You left your own party?
Parties are basic.
This is better.
This is what they call in
the states. a kickback.
States. Eh?
And. I brought Gordon
someone to talk to while
little Miss Colleen M. gives me
a private tour.
Looks like it's just us. eh?
Maybe we should form
the Just Us League?
Yeah... heh.
So this is the
Eh-2-Zed backroom. again.
Epic.
Colleen and I call
it the Highway to Hell.
'Cause Eh-2-Zed's right
through that door.
And Eh-2-Zed's
pretty much our hell.
Highway to Hell?
Mm-Hmm.
Wow.
Devil talk always
gives me goosebumps.
Oh?
See
See
Yeah.
You believe in Satan?
I used to believe in Santa.
Does that count?
So basic.
Mmmmm.
Me and Gordon
are way into Satan.
Ooh.
Kind of like how you and
Colleen are way into yoga.
Or your band'?
Yeah.
Now. the good news is that
we're Canadian Satanists.
So we don't go in for
any of that touchy stuff.
It's gotta.
You know why?
Why?
You see.
And there are no virgins
in grade 12.
- Mm-hmm.
- All the virgins are in grade 10.
Well. I've just been
waiting for the right person.
In the right place.
You are so adorable. McKenzie.
You think I want your body?
I don't want your body.
I just want your untouched.
Virgin soul.
Okay.
But. well,
the sh*t sandwich of it all,
you open to get to it.
Oh.
You know. I'll be right back.
Just one sec.
Colleen!
I thank you for your sacrifice.
Colleen M.
Every pure soul I give to
Satan brings me one step closer
to meeting the beast
and that's gonna be so metal.
What the hell's that?
That's my mom's date knife
pointed at your balls.
Okay.
Or do you want more?
Oh. no. no. no, no.
Can we talk aboot this?
Talk to The Mohel.
Okay. okay.
Put the knife down. pretty boy.
Okay. knife's down.
I guess I got a
little carried away there.
Sorry aboot that.
And I was gonna let
you get to second base.
There's something inside of me.
- Are you okay?
- Help me.
Oh my god!
Wunderbar!
Colleen?
Colleen?
Here we go.
Colleen?
Colleen?
McKenzie?
Gordon. please.
Stop begging. okay?
You are not getting any.
My ass.
Gordon. I swear to God. If you
puke. you're cleaning it up.
Somethin' just
crawled up in my ass!
Is this what happens
when you smoke weed?
Oh no!
Oh my god.
Uh. Colleen?
Wunderbar!
Hey.
What the hell was that?
Nein. Nein. Nein. nein.
Nein.
- Sh... Sheisse!
- Oh hell no!
- Shut up.
- Nein! - Shut up!
Nein. Nein. Nein!
Nein. Nein. Nein. nein, nein!
Auf Wiedersehen.
Did you know Hunter Calloway
was religious?
Oh you piece of sh*t!
Shut up!
- Pull.
- Ew. no.
- Pull!
- Okay. okay, okay, okay.
Nein stretchy. Nein stretchy!
Uhh.. Ah.
Ahh... Ahhh.
Mein Kampf.
Security lights.
911. eh?
Hello? We're being attacked
With concentrated
sauerkraut for blood.
That look like Adolf Hitler.
Go.
Oh. Hitler. eh?
Well. he sure is a nasty camper.
Worse than Dr. Doom and
Darth Vader combined.
Yeah. boy.
Shut up. old man.
Send a bunch of cops to the
Eh-2-Zed on Portage and Wayne
- and bring some body bags.
- Little ones.
Hurry!
Hello? Hello?
Goddamned yoga hosers.
Wunderbar.
Man.
We've got wieners.
Check over there.
Wunderbar!
Seriously?
Sausage party.
I don't wanna die in Canada!
We're not gonna die in Canada.
- There's no other way oot!
The Yoga Way.
- The Yoga Way?
- The Yoga Way.
Okay. Warrior One.
- Hold it. McKenzie. Hold it.
- Okay.
Warrior Two. back to back.
Das frauleins!
Now. on Warrior Three.
We yoga the sh*t out of these
- bratwurst b*tches. Okay?
- Okay.
Warrior three.
I'm not even supposed
to be here today!
Schnell!
Nein! Nein! Nein!
Sheisse!
- Take off!
- Nein. Wunderbar!
Thank you.
Yo.
Slapshot.
I've got aboot 10 left.
I've got aboot the same.
Then let's drop that puck. Go!
Nein! Nein! Nein!
Wow.
Freeze.
Hands up. Hands up.
Don't you move.
You goddamn yoga hosers!
RCMP. freeze.
This is so basic.
This is beyond basic.
- So basic.
- Shh.
Stop it.
I'm itchy.
Stop it.
All right. C'mon. c'mon, c'mon.
All right. You got aboot ten
minutes before the RCMP come back.
I'll try to stall 'em
as long as I can.
You know. thank you
very much for doing this.
I cannot know how to
repay you for this.
No. No. Thank you.
Look. this book, is my bible.
And you're like a goddamn
Canadian Batman. Eh?
Oh. That is so touching.
I cannot believe.
I'll stall for a second.
Um. I thought that maybe
You saw my mom?
Where is she?
Well. she's out there and she's
trying to post bail. You know.
Your father. who's name
I think is Bob Collette.
They are having a heck of a time
getting in touch with that man.
He's in Niagara Falls.
The RCMP will not let your mommy
bail you out of here
because the RCMP don't ever let.
Eh. serial killers out on bail.
And they're saying
that you are both
the serial killers
because you killeded those...
Those eh. two boys, you know.
You killed the absolute
sh*t out of them.
But we didn't kill the boys.
We didn't kill anybody.
They were gonna kill us.
- They were devil worshipers.
- Yeah.
I don't really know much about
the devil. but there we go.
Somebody sure put their poop-holes
through hell. You know?
We didn't do this.
Who did then?
It was the Bratzis.
Bratzis?
I want to know what this
Bratzi is. What is a Bratzi?
It's like a foot-tall Canadian
Nazi and it's made of Bratwurst.
They have concentrated
sauerkraut for blood.
And they dress like
Mountie Beaver stuffies.
Are you guys tripping
on the pot?
I mean do you even hear
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"Yoga Hosers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/yoga_hosers_23833>.
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