Yoga Hosers Page #6

how crazy that sounds?

Yes. So I go down

to the old Eh-2-Zed

and I will look around myself.

You know?

Guy Lapointe style. and you

want to know what I believe now?

What?

I believe that I believe you.

You saw them?

Yeah.

I saw only this. You know.

It was buried in a wad of cheese

at the back of the microwave.

I found this.

What's this?

This is a land purchase

agreement signed in 1939

by the self-proclaimed

Canadian Fuhrer.

Adrien Arcand.

For 100 acres in the Winnipegs.

On this now sits a little

store that could be

very near and dear to

your hearts. I think so.

- Lulu Lemon?

- He's talking about the Zed.

Oh.

Canadian Nazis were

the original land owners

of that piece of land

where that store is now.

And it is my theory that these

horrific monsters never left.

That's why I need both of

you to help me solve this

quite queer case

of the untold tale

buried beneath the

Canadian convenience store.

Which is probably what I

should call the book. I think.

Okay. so.

When do we get out of here?

We don't get out of here. I do.

You don't.

Because you're in the jail.

" Right?

I'm gonna speak to this

fool in French for a second.

Excuse me.

I can get you

inside the Eh-2-Zed.

As you said. I

can get myself inside the Eh-2-Zed

quite easily. little kitty cat

woman smarty pantsies.

But you need me

to show you the secret passageway.

She's saying that I

need her for the secret passageway.

What secret passageway?

The Colleen who

doesn't speak the French

has never heard

of the passageway.

My Dad showed

only me the secret passageway.

And I'll take you there.

But you have to

get us out of here.

Understand?

Sh*t...

That means sh*t.

Aw it's Hunter's chalk line.

Ew.

Maybe we should Instagram it.

Ooh. right?

Uh. Mr. Lapointe?

Can we have our phones back now?

You want your phones?

No. I didn't steal your phones.

You didn't get our phones?

Do you mean that when I was illegally

breaking you out of the jail

that I forgot to steal your

precious telephones.

Is that what you're

trying to say?

Well. I'm sorry I'm so selfish.

Right?

How can I ever

make it up to you?

Well. you can start by letting us

change out of these prison rags.

Yeah. they make us look fat.

You listen to me.

You Lady Gagas.

You know that this is

not a photograph shoot

for the Canadian Vogue.

And I did not bring

for you wardrobe styles

with all that frilly business.

So what would you like to do?

Well. We have our Yoga

clothes and backup smocks

in the bathroom. can we at

least go change into that?

Yeah. and I'll take that

over this

Orange is the New Black

bullshit any day.

You have one Manitoban minute.

And then you will show me

the secret passage way.

So you must hurry up.

Hey. oh whoa.

No poopie stuff.

Ew.

Okay. Colleen. seriously,

why didn't you tell me about

this secret passageway?

That's so cool.

Seriously. there is

no secret passageway.

I'm pretty sure there

is a secret passageway.

You said there was.

I'm pretty sure I only said that to

get us oot of jail. Colleen. God.

If we don't prove the Bratzis exist.

We're going away for murder.

But what do

we do aboot Guy Lapointe?

I don't know.

Colleen. I guess it's time

to tell him there

is no secret passageway.

- Oh!

Das boo!

Oh. you're awake.

Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Bratzis. no?

Bratzis.

I would like to welcome you.

To my Canadian

Subterranean Stronghold

Located 37 feet below

the surface of Winnipeg.

Und I am Andronicus Arcane.

That's that guy Ms. Maurice

told us aboot in Honors History.

The man from Berlin?

Poof. He disappeared.

Poop?

Yah. frauleins.

I am from Berlin.

This is why I have

an accent that sounds

both scary und creepy.

So in an effort to make

our future communications

less spooky and more friendly.

I will now be speaking

only in the voice

of American movie star.

Al Pacino.

I bet all

you need are the dulcet tones

of one of Hollywood's

greatest living actors.

Hoowah.

Do you know what. that's not

a half-bad Al Pacino there.

Thank you.

- Who?

- Al Pacino.

Al Pacino. he was

an American president?

- Oh.

- Geez.

You see. the Third Reich

imprisoned me here

inside this Canadian

Subterranean Stronghold.

To build a clone army

that would conquer Canada

and the

United States of America.

Hoowah.

I used my own DNA and

made the clone bodies from

the finest bratwurst and sauerkraut

direct from Deutschland.

So in 1945. I initiated

the 100 year-long

incubation process.

And I put myself on ice.

In a cryogenic chamber,

timed to wake up when my

little wiener babies

were full-grown clones.

But 70 years later...

We've got real def. rhythms

And fresh new jams

You say we got egos...

The little Colleens

would change everything

simply by singin' a song.

Goddamn it. Ichabod.

How much did you plug

into that socket?

You told me to plug

everything into that soocket.

We're 14 years old. Ichabod.

Yeah. what are we supposed

to know about physics. Ichabod?

You guys wouldn't talk to me this

way if I was covered in tattoos.

The power outage in

the Eh-2-Zed that night.

Shorted out my ancient Canadian

Subterranean Generator.

So I woke up prematurely

from my cryogenic slumber.

But the incubation process

had also been interrupted...

Papa.

Forever stunting the growth

of my wiener babies.

My life's work was a failure.

Hoowah.

That's so sad.

Yeah. maybe it

would be less sad coming from

American tough guy. Sylvester Stallone.

So. you know.

Even though making

clones was my life's work.

It wasn't my passion. you know?

This guy sounds like Groot.

No. he was being

Sylvester Stallone.

Who?

So. anyway,

before I got into science

and before the war.

And then before I met

Adrien Arcand. I was like.

"Yo. Adrien."

Adrian was the wife in the

movie of the Rocky Rambo.

He's very good.

And before the Nazi

No-good-nicks took over my life.

I was an artist. you know?

And my art was sculpting.

You know.

I'd chip away at the marble

until it was beautiful to me.

You know?

I loved being an artist.

Except for one thing.

I'm talkin' about the

goddamned critics. you know?

They told me I had no talent.

They told me I stink on ice.

They're so negative and hurtful.

They cut me. man.

They drove me away from doing

the thing I really love to do.

Ya know. being who I am.

That's when I found

Adrien Arcand and Canadian Nazis

and. you know, Hitler.

Oh.

Right?

You know that this man is

not a puppy on the internet?

Maybe my Stallone

is too aggressive

I will switch to a Hollywood

impression that is less threatening.

So. I didn't want to be

a Nazi for the rest of my life.

The exit tunnel of my Canadian

Subterranean Stronghold

got me to the backroom

of the Eh-2-Zed.

And one night. after closing.

I took my first steps

into a brave new world.

So. every night

after the store closed,

I would make myself at home

in the Eh-2-Zed backroom.

Where I learned to speak

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