You, Me and Him

---

[OLIVIA] You know that moment

when you finally understand life?

You just get it?

Well, this was my moment.

I got it. Everything and everyone in

my life fit into a neat, little box.

Here are the individualist

hipster clones...

and the better-than-you bankers.

[SCOFFS] See?

I knew exactly what was what, who was

who and most importantly who I am.

Aw, the yummy mummies.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[OLIVIA] Look, we all do it.

We give ourselves labels

to feel we belong.

Silly, really. Because waking up

to yourself is about letting go

of who you imagine yourself to

be.

Of course, I had yet to learn

that.

Yep. No. I'm up.

I'm gonna take on the world.

[WATER BUBBLING]

[URINATING]

Oh!

["DO YOU WANNA DANCE" PLAYING]

F***!

[GRUNTS]

Look smart, everyone! She's

almost here.

- Could I get that deposition, Charles?

- Yes, yes.

Could I get a smile too

for Sophie's last day?

Terrifying as usual. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

[ALL] Surprise!

You do not do that to someone!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

I'll be sad to leave the firm.

Glad to see the back of you lot,

of course.

- [LAUGHING]

- Yay!

Yes, Olivia, thank you for the surprise.

I can tell you were the one behind it.

[LAUGHS]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[SOPHIE] And now for another

surprise...

I'm gonna be a mum.

That's right. I'm having a baby.

- [APPLAUSE]

- Thank you.

[SQUEALING]

[SNORTS]

Yay!

Shoo! Go on. Shoo! Go on! F*** off!

Go get the mouse that's...

- not this one.

- [CAT MEOWS]

That was rather embarrassing,

wasn't it?

- Excruciating stuff.

- Yes.

Thank you. Much better

adjective.

- It is possible, you know.

- Yeah! Sure, yes. I mean...

that was always the plan. Um...

but then you wake up after yet

another pointless relationship

and you realize...

the only thing you ever truly

wanted, you left up to fate.

And now it's too late.

- No chance with the current?

- She's barely 12.

Unfortunately, I am

completely obsessed with her.

- Finally happy.

- You don't look very happy.

So...

who's the man then?

No man.

A woman needs a man like a fish

needs a bicycle and all that.

- Yes, but who's like a man?

- We are, quite literally, two women.

Yes, but top or bottom sort of thing.

I mean, how does it fit together?

Charles, please. Stop doing

that.

- What do you call this piece?

- Dot.

- Do you know what it represents?

- What?

- F*** all!

- Don't say that.

I literally spent all day,

creating a full stop.

But this what being a

struggling artist is all about.

Yeah, but when do you

stop saying "struggling"

- and just realize that you are not one.

- Never.

If I'm all right with it,

you can be too, you know.

Alex, that's not who you are.

[SIGHS] How was your day?

Lovely, thank you.

Um... I did get us a new pet.

Her name's Maureen.

There are ways to address

procrastination, as we discussed.

Are there?

Are there?

[MUSIC PLAYS]

- [SCREAMS]

- [GIGGLING]

- I know...

- You do?

I need to get up and face the

world.

Actually, um...

I was going to ask you to marry

me.

- Have you got a ring?

- Yes! No, I don't. It...

- More of an "in theory" situation.

- You just proposed to me in theory?

I mean, do you think we should?

Because, then we'll be as close as...

you know, family and we could...

All those lovely tax benefits.

- You've not proposed before, have you?

- Is it too soon?

It is too soon. Yep. It

probably...

Ignore me. I've had a lot of

coffee.

And now you're literally taking

your proposal back?

Got me divorce papers through,

this morning.

- John!

- Most people just say good morning, John!

As long as she gives me my

signed football back, I'm happy.

[OLIVIA] Oh, I'm sure she will.

- So, you're a single man, now?

- Yeah!

Gosh! You can party, date and...

- [STUTTERING] ...travel the world.

- Grow my hair a bit.

- [OLIVIA] And that.

- Have a divorce party.

Oh, that's classy.

- Thank you!

- [ALEX] Goodbye, John!

[JOHN] What you doin'?

Are you two doing stuff?

[MOUTHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

["BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY"

PLAYING]

[PANTING]

[OLIVIA] Look at him. Mr.

Family Man.

If we were still kids, I'd go

over there and give him a wedgie.

Those trousers are doing the

job for you.

- Do you ever think about that?

- You brother's ass. Daily, yeah.

I wish I had the courage to be

different,

to stand alone and accept

that I have feelings for men.

- I just can't deal with the stigma.

- Just 'cause, lately I've been...

I've just been thinking, I don't

know, what a great mum you'd make.

So that's what it was about.

- What?

- The anti-proposal.

- No.

- That's why you had no ring.

Look, were we... You know, I don't...

We haven't broached that, have we?

- The kid thing? Have we covered that?

- Uh, yeah. Date two.

You asked me, and I said maybe,

but like, not for years.

Okay.

[PEOPLE CHATTING]

Well, you didn't shut it down.

- Did you?

- That was ten months ago.

[BEN] Get ready, people!

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

You've seen my bank balance, huh? I

don't know if I'm ready. If I'm ever...

- gonna be ready.

- Yeah. Yes.

- Ah! Ah! Ah!

- [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Are those tears?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um...

I'm sorry. I know you're not

ready.

But Alex, I'm almost 40.

The shop is closing.

I know that's not terribly Gloria

Steinem of me but it's true.

[SIGHS]

This is a thing, isn't it?

I should have been more honest.

How long have you wanted this?

Only since I was five.

You should have been more

honest.

[PEOPLE CHATTING]

I just didn't want to lose you.

You have me.

This is it. I'm done.

- I want us to be a family.

- [CHEERING]

I need time...

- time to think.

- Sure. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Cool.

No pressure.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

[ALFIE] So, you dumped her?

No, Alf. She asked for a baby.

Not a kidney.

That would be way less hassle.

- I said I'd think about it.

- Who would have it?

You?

You'll never have sex again. Pregnancy

fucks with your vagina, man.

She wants to do it. There's no

way I'm shitting out a kid.

- How many of these we've had?

- Like...

three... each.

- The guy said just have a half.

- It'll be mellow. It's always mellow.

[SCREAMING]

[ALFIE] What is happening?

It just won't stop.

[ALEX] We're all gonna die.

- [PANTING]

- [SCREAMING]

[POLICE SIREN FADING OUT]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [MUSIC PLAYING]

- [JOHN] Hey! You made it.

- Of course, we did.

We needed the alcohol.

Well, I'm just glad

you didn't feel intimidated.

[OLIVIA] Happy divorce.

Thank you very much, Olivia.

I'm heartbroken, you know?

- Hang on in there.

- [JOHN] Thank you, Alex.

Just BTW, I can see right

through that top.

Oh, oh! Mojitos are up!

Come on! [CHANTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALEX] Babe.

- I'm still not talking to you, okay?

- I'm sorry.

Those brownies were stronger

than expected and to be fair...

that ride cannot be safe for

kids.

- Alex, this is not the way to behave.

- I know.

I just got bored of not getting

anything done

- and wanted to have some fun, I am trying.

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