You, Me and Him Page #2

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- Well, just hurry up!

- Hurry up!

- Yes!

Girls? Really?

Isn't this something about MTV

in the 90's?

I think those two will fancy you

whatever.

Alex, I need you to be the person

that you plan to be sooner.

Why?

Becau... because you're

going to be a mother.

I've started already...

the insemination program.

[ALEX SIGHS]

Surprise.

[SIGHING]

Yay.

How could you do this?

Huh?

You promised me time to think.

I just thought I'd give it a

shot and see.

- [SCOFFS] This is our life.

- Alex, I couldn't wait.

Not any longer.

This was never about me.

[SIGHS]

You'll be a great mother...

Stop telling me what I'm

f***ing great at.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm going to go back to our house

and give us both time to cool off.

I don't wanna see you.

- Fine. I'll go to my parents.

- Fine.

F***!

- Ah-ha! Where's Olivia?

- Huh! I've been left behind.

You okay?

[SIGHS] "I make so many beginnings,

there will never be an end."

- I'm not quite following.

- Mm.

Little Women. You should read

it, John.

In the meantime...

do you fancy forgetting

who the f*** we are for a bit?

- Oh! Most definitely.

- Fantastic!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- [SUE] Green juice, darling?

- No, thanks, Mummy.

- Nice to have our princess home.

- Just the damn best.

Wish you had an argument

with your flatmate every week.

- Girlfriend.

- Life partner, darling.

Well, we'll be here when it

doesn't work out, won't we, love?

[SUE] Absolutely!

[SNORING]

Good morning, Alex.

[GASPING]

Do you wanna go again?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, thank God!

- [SOBBING]

Oh, Alex, I can't believe I

did that without telling you.

- I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.

- So sorry.

So sorry?

Let's just have a baby. Huh?

Let's do whatever you want.

Whatever it takes.

- Really?

- Let's mess up your VJ, good and proper.

That's a yes.

Yay!

[SOBBING]

Thank you! Because, Alex...

this is about you.

I can't do this without you

being part of it, you know?

- It'll be easy, right?

- Yes!

Having a baby is just like having a

mate around who's always pissed.

They just need propping up now

and again, and given fluids.

- Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

- Sweet!

[OLIVIA] So I would ask you to find

him accountable for what he did.

In summation, clause 14

states that... [BURPS]

That's not what it states.

Clause 14... [HEAVES]

[HEAVES]

[JUDGE] Are you able

to continue, Miss Miller?

[HEAVES]

[JURY MURMURING]

Um...

no, actually.

My colleague will tell you

about that clause.

If you will please excuse me,

I have to vomit.

There's more out here

if you need 'em babe.

Say a prayer to the god of

fertility.

That's not gonna happen. Go!

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[CHOKES]

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- It's positive!

I'm pregnant! [HEAVY BREATHING]

Snap. I'm pregnant.

No, I am. I am pregnant.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

What?

- I don't understand what happened.

- Oh, poor you. You're all confused.

Meanwhile, you have just put my entire

life in a salad spinner of f***!

I was so drunk.

And you went behind my back

and that really hurt.

So, you thought you'd sleep with a

man you nicknamed scrotum pole?

I don't remember anything.

[OLIVIA] You remembered

how to f***, obviously!

F***! F***! F***! F***!

F***! F***! F***!

Look how much you're f***ing

making me swear!

[GASPING]

I just don't understand why you keep

messing everything up for yourself.

[GASPING]

- Oh, what's this?

- Bag.

- What?

- Bag. Paper bag.

[GASPING CONTINUES]

Just...

- We were so good together.

- I know.

- I know

- [GASPING CONTINUES]

You can't be the one to

comfort me over you.

["RUN" PLAYING]

Oh, yes!

Olivia, look.

- She gave me my ball back.

- That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you.

Let's have a look.

Okay.

Can I have my ball back now?

So just go romcom on her arse.

'Scuse me?

The big romantic gesture.

Richard Gere, roses,

so she no longer feels like a

hooker.

Then I'm literally gonna be a mum

to two kids. Just like that.

- You're already having one.

- Not without her, I'm not.

Does that make me a shitty

person?

It's not a story I'd tell them

at their graduation but no...

you're all right.

I don't know what to do.

Can you be without her?

- No.

- Not a chance?

- Not one.

- There you go then.

And now...

to celebrate.

- I'm gonna have a baby, Alf.

- Yeah, I know. I sympathize.

This'll make you feel better.

Yep.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Whoa!

That is so not cool.

I can't sell a single painting.

Not even the one with me tits

out.

So, I sold all those cool art

supplies and I got you this.

I can't do this on me own. And

I don't think you can, either.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Have you smelled this thing?

It's vintage, isn't it?

[KEYS JINGLING]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

And why exactly do you think I

wouldn't be able to do this on my own?

I have support.

Friends, my family, friends.

- Which friends?

- Friends.

Maureen?

Well what do you bring, Alex?

And you need to get that

f***ing mouse out of my house.

I'm home all day.

Got a thing for Pixar.

To be honest, I hadn't thought

beyond the pram.

I just know that if you were

ever able to forgive me,

then I would love to be the

mum that you think I can be.

So, I'd like to call today,

"Lez be having some babies!"

- No jokes.

- Understood. Not a laughing matter.

- Alex.

- Present.

Yep. We've established that. My

sister has asked me to do this

quite heinous bit of mediation today,

so you can both be sure you're entering

- into this agreement...

- Family. Family.

Bit of a stretch but anyway...

with clarity and closure.

Yeah, fine. I'll agree to

anything.

How romantic. Now here are

the hard and fast rules.

Never again shall either of you mention

that Alex slept with someone else.

- [ALEX] Fine.

- You have to meet each other's parents.

- Fine.

- And you have to tell John about the baby.

- No f***ing way!

- He's the father.

We're talking about the man who thought

LGBT was just a really big sandwich.

You slept with him.

Oh! I think we agreed no

more mention of the S word.

- Shut up, Ben!

- That's mature.

Why would you want him involved?

He almost ruined us.

How else are we going to afford

two children on one salary?

Well, we don't need childcare.

I'll look after them.

No Alex, you're an artist.

You can't give up your dream.

You are my dream.

- [BEN SCOFFS]

- Shut up, Ben.

You two are perfect for each

other.

I want to do this properly.

One has to do the right thing.

You've started talking like the

Queen.

Must be serious.

That's her serious face, too.

Or she's having a stroke.

- Shut up!

- Okay, why am I here?

[WOMEN CHATTING]

- Hey, John.

- Oh, hey!

- I'm so glad you're talking to me again.

- [SEDUCTIVELY] Who's the daddy?

- You what?

- [SEDUCTIVELY] Who's the daddy?

Huh?

Who. Is. The. Daddy?

I am the daddy.

- Yes, you are.

- Excuse me?

She's pregnant.

You are going to be a daddy.

And we're gonna need shitloads

of money.

[CHUCKLES]

- Well, I did it.

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