You, Me and Him Page #3

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- Yes, you did.

Mm-hmm.

- Why can we never do that?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

- I thought you meant sexually.

- No, she didn't. That was our joke.

You did not mean sexually?

I had sex with that.

And now there's a baby gonna

be coming out of that.

Yes, thank you for the biology lecture.

Come in before you throw up on that.

Look, mate... I don't expect

anything.

- [OLIVIA CLEARS HER THROAT]

- Maybe money.

- You work in banking, right?

- No, not anymore.

No. I own and run a site called

Mannism.

It's um...

It's a... It's a... A place where

alpha males can connect and...

share the message of the

ancient Greek word, " Arete".

- "Be the best you can be."

- So, money's out then.

[SNIFFS] Well...

you keep doing that.

Because, I'm perfectly cool

raising this baby with Olivia.

- I'm also having a baby.

- Bollocks.

Actually, it's certain.

No, not that. Congrats or whatever.

Bollocks to me not playing a part.

I am the father!

That little one needs a dad.

Please. Please let me be the dad.

Plus, I live right next door.

I have a complex vocabulary.

You can't drive. I can drive you!

If you want.

[OLIVIA WHISPERING] Get him out

of this house, now!

- I've heard enough. He knows now.

- Yes.

Off you go, John.

- I cannot believe that is the man who...

- Turned your girlfriend straight?

- Oh, my God!

- That's what she said.

Sorry, that was right there.

I am so incredibly sorry for the

pain that I have caused you.

If I could go back in time and change

what happened, I would. But...

I'm a great guy.

Let me take you out to lunch, clear

the air, get to know me better.

Yeah? I want to be a part of

this.

This is...

kind of all I've got.

- Aside from Mannism?

- Hail to the Alpha.

- [SIGHS]

- Give me a chance?

Go on. Give me a chance.

[OLIVIA] Aw.

Is it supposed to look like

an underwater alien?

Yes. It is quite revolting,

isn't it?

So, Alex, that membrane which

is protecting the fetus

is known as the amniotic sac.

- That's mingin'. Stop it.

- Yes. Please stop.

- So, you're pregnant too?

- I am.

- And you're both together?

- We are.

- Yes.

- And both pregnant with...

some other people's children?

Well, it's not quite that random. I was

artificially inseminated by a donor.

Oh, yes. Thank you. No need to elaborate.

Very feminist, I'm sure.

Okay, well. Thank you very much.

Are you wearing an underwire

bra?

- Sorry?

- You should stop during pregnancy.

It restricts the growth

of milk glands in your...

- Breasts.

- Hmm.

[CLEARS THROAT] You need to know these

things. You can't ignore pregnancy.

Sadly.

Um, if my waters break

while I'm out and about,

uh, will it look

like I've just pissed myself?

It's more of a trickle than a...

Oh, dear God... Gush.

And um, during labor,

is it correct that...

- one can crap oneself?

- I'll give you some leaflets, okay?

Did you know,

I have a painting of my vulva

that would look absolutely

gorgeous in here?

- No, thank you. Goodbye. Toodle-oo.

- Okay, buh-bye. Bye.

[OLIVIA] How'd we manage to find the one

obstetrician who's weird about vaginas?

[BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[SNORTS]

Saturdays at 11:
00 a.m. Got it.

Thank you. Bye.

- Hello!

- Hello there!

I'm really pleased we got to do

this.

- I'm pleased we could do this, too.

- Yeah.

I appreciated your apology.

Well, I appreciate you saying

that.

- Great! I am starving.

- Sandwiches.

- Oh. This is Stilton?

- Yeah.

I don't think I can have it.

Alex was just going on

about this yesterday.

- What, 'cause of the...

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- That's okay. I can still have the bread.

I'll just take this.

Yes, um...

- Alex is become quite the pregnancy major.

- That girl's hilarious. Never serious.

She can be quite serious,

though.

No. I think even when she's

serious, it's a little un-serious.

Well, maybe you don't take

what she's saying seriously.

I'm pretty certain she's just

being fun and not serious.

- Well, she does laugh a lot.

- Yeah.

- Like a little squeaky mouse.

- It's quite a big laugh actually, I'd say.

It's big for her,

but pretty small, generally.

I'd say if it's big for her,

it's big for anyone.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I think, it's more like... [HIGH-PITCHED

LAUGH] Something like that.

Obviously, I've been making her laugh

a lot. But it's nothing like that.

No, I hear it quite a lot like...

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]

- It's more of a... It's, uh, lower.

- No.

Guttural, sort of...

[LOW-PITCHED LAUGH]

- That sort of...

- No, it's... [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]

It's not like that.

[BOTH FEIGN LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER BECOMES AMOROUS

MOANING]

No, I'm thinking of something

else.

So... how was he then?

Big fella? Nice moves?

- Mum, you're kind of missing the point.

- Best news I've heard all year.

- That's great to hear.

- You shagged a bloke.

You're back to yourself again.

What are talking about?

I've never been into blokes.

Oh! What about Turner's son?

I was five. He taught me how

to piss in the sea discretely.

It was hardly a grand romance. It was

more of a very useful life tool.

Well... I just think we've

turned a corner, that's all.

So... are you getting it dealt

with?

No. I'm having it

and raising it with Olivia.

Listen. Listen to me.

Now you know I love you, don't

you?

And I will support any decision

you ever make.

I just think two women raising a child

together is f***ing disgusting.

And we're back.

I mean what're you gonna do

when it asks where its daddy is?

John is going to be a part of

their life.

- Oh, so he's still skulking around, is he?

- No. Not like that.

All I'm saying is don't

close off all your options.

Sort yourself out,

concentrate on your career

and see if you can have

a proper baby one day.

[ALEX] What am I gonna teach a

kid?

I'm gonna be a mum

before I've been anything else.

[OLIVIA]

Oh, that's not true.

You were a stoner for a while.

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, see, John was definitely

not impersonating your laugh.

Sorry.

Are you gonna finish that?

No. Knock yourself out.

I'm only craving rabbit food

at the moment.

[MUMBLING] I hate you.

[OLIVIA GROANS]

That just makes me pee myself.

- That can scientifically not be true.

- Well, something is making me pee myself.

You know...

I actually don't have

any sympathy for you.

You're gonna have this baby...

your body will snap back and

then you got the kid box ticked.

Do you have any idea how many

thirty-something women

are on horrendous dates right

now?

One eye on the clock and one eye on some

dull bloke sitting opposite them thinking,

"Oh, crap. He'll have to do."

Or lesbians frantically googling,

"Sperm donors with Oxbridge degrees".

Exactly.

[SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE]

- Do you know her?

- No, but she's pregnant.

So?

That's what you do when you're pregnant,

you wave at each other, like cabbies.

Hmm.

"Labor". Yeah. Even the

word makes us feel tense.

This course is gonna equip you

with all the tools and techniques

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