You, Me and Him Page #4

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that you need to challenge the

contemporary over-medicalized,

fear-based, birthing culture

and to remind your body

to let it all go, guys.

Now, no questions till the end

Please remember the rules.

So, some of you are sitting here

in like a refrigerator of terror

and some of you will

be sitting here, doubting,

whether hypnobirthing works at all.

Well...

it... It does.

It does. Let's start

with the introductions, Alex.

- This is Alex.

- Hi.

And this is Alex's female

life partner, Olivia.

Huh!

I'm just so happy and humbled

to have you in my group, guys.

Oh! Thank you.

Oh, and this is Mike and Maya,

Morgan and Amanda, and Allison...

- Dave.

- And Dave. I know that.

I know that. Right.

Let's talk about pain.

"Pain". What is pain?

It's a rhetorical question.

Pain is being judged by

the color of your skin,

pain is not being allowed to

have a relationship with someone

because they are the wrong gender.

Am I right?

You go, girl. [LAUGHS]

Pain is being fisted by

a 300-pound rich white guy

because you haven't got

enough money to pay the rent.

What pain is not...

is labor.

- Sweet.

- Right.

- [JOHN] Wait.

- Okay.

[AMY] Excuse me. Can I be

of some assistance to you?

- Don't start without me.

- What are you doing here?

I have every right to be here.

I'm the father of Alex's baby.

I should be part of the process.

You looked at my planner.

Okay, okay, relax.

You never seen a poly-amorous

relationship before?

- No.

- Yeah. well simmer down.

Welcome, John.

- You are welcome, one and all.

- Yeah, sorry.

Amy, can I just say that we're

not wha...

- What you just said we are.

- Yes.

But, John is the real father

and he's very much welcome.

- Thanks, Alex.

- Is he your sperm donor, too?

Allison, that is enough

judgement.

They're lesbians. They don't

wanna talk about sperms.

Right-O! Sorry.

I'd like you to take your partner's

hand, and put it on the baby's head.

Now, if you're seven months or

under, that's gonna be up here,

under your breastal balcony.

And if you're further along,

it might be down in your minge.

Right. I don't... What am I

supposed to do?

- I don't have a partner.

- [AMY] Oh, I want a part of this.

- I'll be your partner.

- Well, she's my partner, so.

[AMY] I'd like to be your partner.

Where are you? You up or down?

- I'm up. Yup.

- Here. Right.

- And if you put your hand on my hand...

- Okay.

Feeling that lovely little bonce there.

That feels nice, right?

Yup.

Loving that.

- Olivia, wait.

- Nice breathing today, Alex.

- Yeah. Cheers, John.

- You're looking great, too.

Body's really acknowledging

the pregnancy. It's beautiful.

Olivia, wait. Look, he's harmless.

Like you said he has the right.

I was wrong. He deserves no rights.

He deserves impotency.

You have my word. This is

as close as John will get.

John? Not Skeletor-Mr. String Theory-

F***-face-Leaning Tower of Piss?

No? Or The Man Evolution Forgot?

- Just John.

- Just John? Okay.

Got it. Just so now, thanks.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oh, I did have a couple of questions...

concerns.

Fine.

Extremely burnt toast. Can't get

enough of the stuff. Healthy?

Perfectly normal to have

cravings.

- Also...

- I have tons of energy. Is that normal?

Perhaps, it's 'cause you haven't been

sober this long since you were 12.

Hey, hormones.

Oh, sorry.

It's just that your...

spring-has-sprung pregnancy

is f***ing annoying.

Language.

What?

I don't know,

Amy said something about...

baby feeling the meaning

of everything that it hears.

Is that right, Dr. Parks?

Just medical questions, please.

I'm not, uh, singing at crystals or

waving my arms about dancing in a field.

Also, nose bleeds.

I've had millions of them.

In court, debating a case, no idea I

looked like the final scene of Carrie.

The increase in blood supply puts

more pressure on the vessels,

causing them to... easily erupt.

[SIGHS]

- You still don't want to know?

- No, no thank you.

I guess we don't get many

surprises in life anymore,

- so I thought, why find out.

- How fascinating.

- You ready?

- Yes, yes. Let's find out.

- You will be having...

- Yep.

A little baby...

- boy.

- [SIGHS]

- Aw.

- [CHUCKLES]

Baby boy.

- I have a penis inside of me.

- First time for everything. Hey! Hey!

Okay.

[HIGH PITCHED] That's something I

wanted to feel, I wanted to feel the...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hello, Charles.

- What's wrong with your face?

- Oh!

- Ah! Pigmentation thingamajig.

- Yes. Yeah.

Same thing happened to my wife

when she was pregnant.

Yes. Turns out I've got every

possible pregnancy ailment going.

I'm actually terribly depressed.

My wife picked up some fake tan,

smothered it all over her face.

Evened it out.

That's actually not a bad idea.

She looked like

an entirely different person.

- Hmm.

- Like I was having a naughty affair.

[SNIFFS]

I just pissed myself, Charles.

Again.

I've missed this.

Just hanging out with someone.

What? Your wife?

I thought you hated her guts.

Actually, she hated mine.

Oh!

- Sorry.

- Yeah.

I guess I just had to make a decision

between being a pioneer and a husband.

Huh?

- I'm sure Steve Jobs had the same problem.

- [SIGHS]

Or maybe, I wasn't the perfect

husband.

And what's the perfect husband?

Uh, not a total dick?

That's better.

"Be worthy love and love will

come."

Wait.

Are you quoting my favorite

book?

Little Women.

Yeah, you were absolutely right.

I read it cover to cover and I

cried!

Good! And who am I? Joe?

You can be whoever you wanna be.

You are lovely underneath it

all.

- You're lovely everywhere.

- Huh?

So, how're you feeling, anyway?

The bump gets in the way of everything.

Even shaving my legs.

Uh, I need to pee. But it's a

phantom pee.

I go to pee. No pee comes out. You

know, like when you're on drugs.

- What about the constipation?

- You what?

Haven't you got nuts bowels?

I have.

I hate to break it to you,

John, but you're not pregnant.

I have couvade syndrome.

Sympathy pains for the partner.

- Of course you have, darling.

- I do.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.

[DOOR SLAMS]

John was just going.

Was he brushing your hair?

It's getting so thick and I just

needed someone to brush it out for me.

- Mine's not getting any thicker.

- The ones on your chin are. Boom!

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry. Sorry! I'm

constipated.

- Fake tan.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

For my blotchy and apparently

hairy face.

- Why? Why? Why the f*** is he here?

- Shh.

I'm sorry. Did I swear?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know I'll fall for you. But you

know what else is really awful?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Trying to get Mr. Chapman convicted of

tax evasion whilst you repeatedly fart

throughout your closing statement. Mr.

Chapman is roaring with laughter.

What do I do?

Nothing.

Just keep on farting.

All I want is to come home for

a snuggle with my girlfriend.

- But she's...

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Oh, God! I'm sorry.

- What did I do?

- I think it kicked.

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