You, Me and Him Page #5

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[CHUCKLES] Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Can I feel?

- Yep.

- There?

- I can't feel anything.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Still can't...

- Just wait.

- I missed it kick.

- No, shh.

- Babe. No, babe.

- I can't believe.

- I missed the baby kicking.

- No. Shush, shush.

- I'm sorry, I'm so useless.

- Babe, this is gonna have to stop.

- The baby kicked.

- Aw.

- Felt like wind.

- Perhaps, it was wind?

It's entirely possible.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]

- We're going out.

- Do you want me to go?

- Uh, finish your food.

It was nice.

Aw! Bugger me! These b*obs, man.

[SIGHS] They're so big and

tender.

- [OLIVIA] We ready?

- [ALEX] Yep.

- What's wrong?

- B*obs. They kill.

Aw. Poor darling.

- Yeah.

- Oh!

- [OLIVIA] Yeah?

- [ALEX] That's nice.

- [OLIVIA] Yeah?

- [ALEX] Mm-hmm.

[ALEX] Oh, yeah. Mm.

Oh, that's better.

[SIGHS] Bye, John.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[AMY]

So, you're in your safe space

and you can feel the warm water

lapping against your ankles.

- [AMY] And your digestive system...

- Alex, I need to show you something.

- [ALEX] What?

- My... My penis.

- Yeah, I'm set. Thanks.

- Wait, wait.

Please, it'll take two minutes.

Your membranes give away. You're

dealing with the... Hi, guys!

- [ALLISON] Hello. How're you? All right?

- [AMY] Hi, Olivia.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you're a

tiny bit late, Allison.

I'm really worried. Be a friend.

- [AMY] You can feel yourself moving...

- C'mon!

- I did my 96er on you.

- I don't wanna remember anything, okay?

All my best moves wasted on a

lezza.

- [AMY] Throughout history...

- All right, two minutes. C'mon.

Give birth. You feel

your vagina give way.

You can feel that baby weighing

down on your perineum.

And the urge to sh*t it out

is now overwhelming you.

- It's orange.

- Am I gonna die?

So, we're gonna do some exercises now to

stretch the internal abdominal muscles.

But it's quite absorbing. I don't

really want to be interrupted.

- Do you know where your "people" are?

- Oh, yes, yes. Sorry. I'll just check.

[AMY] Leave that there.

[ALEX] And how does that feel?

Does it feel good?

[JOHN] Oh, it's definitely

swollen.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[YELPS]

- Oh!

- Oh, God! No, no, no.

- Oh.

- Now, it's John's John.

- Just look at it, babe.

- What?

Can cancer be orange?

Oh!

Oh!

Is that fake tan?

Oh!

- [DOOR LATCH RATTLES]

- [AMY] Sorry to interrupt.

I've gotta say, you guys, I am

starting to wonder whether this...

arrangement situation... life

choice thing is altogether healthy.

Amy... so sorry. Please ignore

us.

I promise you. We are all

perfectly normal and healthy.

- Is it bleeding? Am I bleeding?

- You are.

Take that and get out.

[AMY] Please.

Yeah, all of you. Thanks.

Olivia.

Yes?

I'll make this up to you. I

promise.

Just don't masturbate in our

house again.

- That's all I ask.

- Yep.

I most definitely probably

won't.

["BEFORE I FALL TO PIECES"

PLAYING]

Surprise!

I bought you a yoga teacher.

- Just for an hour.

- Or two.

Maybe.

Cheers, John.

- [CRUNCHING]

- [EXHALING DEEPLY]

[LAUGHING]

[OLIVIA SNORES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[JOHN] Alex!

Cheers, John.

[BEN] Well, it's jolly nice to

meet you.

- I love Alex like a sister.

- Have you ever been with a man?

[SCOFFS] Why'd you ask that?

I just thought it might run in the family.

I had a small bet with myself, actually.

Oh, right. I see.

Well, I take it one of you lost?

Jury's still out.

It was Alex's idea. Get mad at

her.

She wants you to spend more time

with her bestie.

She did not call you her bestie.

Isn't pregnancy making her

nicer?

Did you call John your bestie?

Huh? I can't hear you. Talk to

John.

I do hope, Olivia and he'll get on today.

He's a sweet guy underneath.

Underneath what? His trousers?

- Michael, really?

- No. That's cool. It is kinda confusing.

- Oh, is it? So, you're confused?

- No, I mean, to the outside.

Someone once said that, sexual orientation

goes beyond the act of sex and...

Well, I think that makes sense for

what happened with me and John.

So you're... You're really

straight underneath.

No, I'm gay. I just did something that

wasn't necessarily about my sexuality.

Do you mind if I use that excuse

sometime, love?

My friends say I'm like a gay

man trapped in a woman's body.

We should go shopping sometime.

We'd have a right laugh.

Yes, I'm sure we would have a laugh,

but not 'cause I'm gay. I'm straight.

Oh, yeah. I'm not making any

insinuation,

I'm just saying if you

did happen to be gay.

And you are short of a diva. I do

know all the moves to "Vogue."

- I have a wife. And kids.

- And a bit of a lisp.

I'm just saying.

So, did we bond?

You're not going to go that angry

puce shade whenever I'm needed?

Aw, says the man with the tango

penis.

You've done enough. Thanks.

- What do you mean?

- Maybe, you need to give Alex some space.

Is that what Alex wants?

Yeah.

I think she's being kind because

she thinks you're lonely.

- She said that?

- Yeah.

Why am I asking you, I'll ask her.

Hey, Al. [GRUNTS]

- [JOHN YELLS]

- [OLIVIA] Oh, no.

- What was that for?

- It was an accident.

- [GRUNTS]

- Oh, no.

God, poor chap. He's soaked.

Does that turn you on?

Hello, you two. Where did you

come from?

Where's your mommy?

Where's your mum...

What?

Would you like some chocolate?

Now since you're both so

sweet...

I'm going to give one to you...

and one to you. There you go!

Is that nice?

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Okay. Um, you both stop. Stop

it.

Um, do you want to put that...

Put the cucumber back.

[OLIVIA STAMMERS]

- Could you stop that? Do you want...

- [KIDS SHOUTING]

Maybe just... I don't... I don't know.

Where's your mum...

- Okay, stop that.

- [LILY] Sam!

Stop that!

- [LILY STAMMERING]

- [CHILDREN YELLING]

- [CHILDREN YELLING]

- [LILY] Pick this up.

What? I know! I'm a terrible mother.

You... Oh, my God!

- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- [CHILDREN LAUGHING]

I just... I gave him some chocolate

and then he, um, but then I ran out.

God! He's gonna be up for days.

F***!

Okay, she's squashing the mush...

Stamping on the mushrooms there.

Right. I'll pay for this.

Don't worry. So sorry.

- My fault. Um, they're lovely.

- What're you having?

Hope it's a girl. Because girls never

turn psycho and shoot up schools.

And you know little boys,

they pee on your face...

every time you change their

nappy.

And we've demonized any kind

of light spanking

so that playing card's off the

table.

You know, I thought some...

The last month of pregnancy,

when my pelvis was splitting

open,

and I was hobbling around on crutches.

It was hell. But um...

But then I had Sam.

- [CHILDREN GIGGLING]

- I'm having a boy.

- Bugger.

- Thank you.

- Well. At least, you're young.

- I'm 40.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I'd say

I'm sorry, but, um...

you've actually made me feel

less alone.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I used to be pretty like you.

Great. Okay.

- Good luck.

- C'mon, Sam!

C'mon, darling, let's

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