You, Me and Him Page #6

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get your brother. Sam!

[YELLING] Sam!

["YOU AND I" PLAYING]

- You into sports?

- Yes!

- Great!

- Chess!

I know why I'm here.

Oh, um, yes.

Olivia thought we might get on.

And she wants to stop me trying

to steal her girlfriend.

- That's it exactly, actually, yeah.

- I'm even throwing her a baby shower.

Maybe you should throw yourself

a cold shower.

[LAUGHING]

How about we ease this situation

by getting hammered?

- F***, yes.

- [CHUCKLES]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SCREAMS]

Alex, they need boundaries

or they will destroy everything.

- They're just a couple of kids.

- Okay, so don't... Please. Sorry.

Should we... should we just agree

to disagree about the whole...

- Parenting bit?

- [CHUCKLES]

We've got plenty of time.

We'll be fine. Besides,

we're not gonna be alone.

We've got John.

- God, you're sexy.

- Yeah.

No wonder you turned a gay

woman straight.

I wonder if my wife's being gay

somewhere.

- Hey! What's up, man?

- She left me.

Age... ages ago.

No reason. Just that I dry her

entire being up like a prune.

No! They just do it to annoy you. Ha-ha!

We're in our little girly club,

and you can't join because

of your stupid penis.

Well, my penis is not stupid.

I used to pound her steak just the way

she liked it till it was extra thin.

And in return she...

pounded my heart till it

disappeared.

My penis is not stupid.

- Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.

- It's okay.

- Hang on!

- Okay.

Okay, okay.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- What happened? Oh, gosh!

- Oh, gosh!

All right. Let's just...

Let's just leave it, babe.

I need to go for a piss, okay?

- Really?

- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [LAUGHING]

Isn't it a bit late in the day

for a shower?

The baby waiters had

a month's waiting list.

I know this because the

shower planner told me.

I sh*t you not. The shower

planner.

- [GROANS]

- Are you about to be sick?

I literally haven't slept in

three days,

so I don't know

if I'm gonna puke or pass out.

- [GRUNTS]

- I'd go for the former.

- These floors look pretty solid.

- Got it!

Well, hello. [CHUCKLES]

Fancy finding you here.

No! No, this isn't... We're not...

I'm just standing here.

I meant Alex's baby shower.

- The girl you love like a sister.

- Yes. Yeah, I know. I just...

I was just making conversation.

- Oh, my gosh! You're pregnant, too. Aw.

- Oh, my gosh!

How did you guess?

You've got a little bit of sick

in your hair.

I know.

- I know. I put it in there.

- Oh!

'Cause it's good for the

natural protein fiber oils.

- [CAROL] Oh!

- Yeah.

John and Alex have such

fascinating friends.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

- What did you call them?

John and Alex.

It's not John and Alex. It is

John...

and...

- Alex.

- That's what I said.

- John and Alex...

- No, you didn't.

'Cause you're saying it

like they're together,

putting them in a sentence together. They

don't belong in a sentence together.

I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- Olivia! I'm Olivia.

- Ah! Yeah.

Olivia and Alex.

- Al and Ol?

- We're just so used to...

- John and Alex. [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.

- Who are you?

- Uh, Luke Hammond.

- Oh!

- CEO of Mannism. Hail to the Alpha.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna need to pop back in

for another puke.

- Sure.

- [DOOR HINGES CREAK]

- Mother.

- There you go.

Right.

Condoms. A massive box of

condoms.

Well, I never make the same

mistake twice.

I make it five or six times

just to be sure...

[LAUGHING]

Moving on.

[JOHN] All right, let's have

another family present.

- Here's mine.

- Thank you, John-O.

Oh!

[SIGHS] John.

[JOHN] It's a first edition.

I know that our baby is going

to open my eyes to the world,

in as many varied and

wonderful ways as you have.

[ALL] Aw.

- Thanks.

- To John and Alex.

- [ALL] To John and Alex.

- Thank you from both of us.

- It's very kind.

- Sorry, John?

- What was that?

- It's very kind of everyone.

No, before.

- What you said before?

- Thank you from both of us.

Since when do you speak on

Alex's behalf?

- Uh, okay, Olivia.

- [OLIVIA] Huh?

I just asked a question.

It's a very simple question.

I just wanna know, when I am

conversing with my girlfriend,

- if I should be addressing you?

- [CLEARS THROAT]

Hello! I'm still here. Remember

me?

You enjoying your fetus shaped

cookies?

- Just calm down, will ya?

- Oh, calm down. [LAUGHS]

No, John. No.

You don't tell me to calm down.

- Easy.

- Shut. The f***. Up!

[ALEX] Babe?

- Not now, babe.

- If not now, then when? When?

Can I tell this mindless

human being to back off?

[JOHN CHUCKLES]

How about when we realize that

our child

is being raised on the

misogynistic values of Mannism?

Or, what about when we... Mm-hmm.

When I have to buy a bigger house

because John wants to move in.

Um, we should let him because

he's lonely and divorced.

- And after all, he's the real father.

- Stop it, Olivia. He's trying.

Am I just supposed to forget that

he's the one you cheated with.

C'mon! She didn't.

What is this? Alex?

You're gay. But then you're straight.

Then you're gay again.

Oh, and apparently, you're

pregnant woman of the year!

I'm ti... I just can't keep up.

I really can't. At some

point, you have to choose.

No, I don't.

You are supposed to love all of

it.

I'm sorry I don't fit

into your tight knit plans.

Those plans were always about

you.

All I ever wanted was to

give you a proper family.

Yeah. The perfect family, yeah?

Like Ben's?

Ben, who is getting divorced.

What?

Hello. Yes.

I'm the one with a failed

marriage.

- Glad everyone's been made aware.

- Shocker.

Everyone's got their sh*t,

Olivia, right?

- Alex, what is it?

- I think you should leave, Olivia.

- She doesn't have to leave.

- Okay, so I misjudged that.

- Oh! I think I'm having a contraction.

- Okay, it's fine. She's too early.

- She's not having a contraction.

- I'm sure it's a contraction.

- [GRUNTS] -It's not

gonna be a contraction.

- F***!

- We could, of course, be wrong.

Doctor Parks.

Oh hey, doc. We got a lot of snot

coming out of this one's hoo-ha.

I wanted to be a concert

pianist.

All right. We'll get the nurse

to set you up.

- Who's coming?

- I am.

- Right take that!

- Yep, yep. All right, be careful.

Oh!

Okay, I'll just... I'll be here.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[PAUL] Right then.

Oh!

Baby's very low down in your pelvis.

Which is good.

I'm just gonna have a little

listen.

[PAUL] I can't find...

Well, let me just get Doctor

Parks.

It's all fine. It's going to be

fine.

- Just let him out there know, okay?

- Okay.

- You all right?

- Mm-hmm.

- You sure?

- Mm-hmm.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

- [OLIVIA] John.

- What's happening?

We don't know.

They've gone to get the doctor.

Why, what's wrong?

- Should I speak to someone?

- I think...

it was trouble finding the heartbeat

but it's already quite far down.

- There's contractions, so...

- So, you wouldn't be able to find it.

- Right.

- Okay.

She will be fine.

Yeah.

Um, okay.

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