You Should Meet My Son! Page #2

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I can see how she might get the wrong idea.

What are we going to do?

This is terrible.

She is never going to marry him if she think he is "you know".

Wait.

I know just what we need.

Rose?

ROSE?

Rose? what are you doing?

Glamour magazine?

You always made fun of me for keeping the back issues.

July 1991.

How to tell if your boyfriend is gay!!

Oh it's a little quiz?

yes.

So we can fill it in and show her that Brian isn't gay.

That is very clever of you Rose.

Question number 1 - Does he watch sports?

Of course he watches sports he never misses the Olympics.

It says that men's gymnastics doesn't count.

That would be a no then.

Does he have a subscription to men's fitness?

Yes but only for the articles.

Does he have any pictures of Michaelangelo "David" in his house?

You are just making that one up.

You want me to finish this?

I think that might be best.

OK....

No..... No.....

Yes.....sometimes....

"Wonder Woman" and "Speedo".

Right OK.....

so?

Oh dear....

Well you must have added it up wrong.

Oh no.....

Oh no....

Oh.....

Oh I don't believe it.

Oh I won't believe it

You don't believe it do you Rose?

It's Glamour Magazine.

They know there stuff.

(Screams really loudly)

Where did I go wrong? what did I do?

Mae you didn't do anything.

Maybe I shouldn't have let him join the cub scouts.

You know with all those boys alone in the woods,

Anything can happen.

Oh Mae....

Maybe I shouldn't have let him watch the Wizard of Oz because...

You know.... that scarecrow is very likeable.

Oh that Judy Garland....

Mae that didn't mean why this...

Once upon a time I took him to see the "Nut Cracker" at Christmas.

What was I thinking taking a boy to a ballet

Mae it is not your fault.

Although you did let him watch an awful lot

of Madonna videos as a kid.

No wonder he is gay, Rose I am the worst mother in the world....

You are not a bad mother, you are a great mother and you know it.

Then why?

Why is my only son a homosexual?

How did I fail him?

Oh you didn't fail him...

I'm never going to have grand kids Rose, never.

Brian..... what about him?

Brian is never going to have a wife,

he is never going to have a family....

He is going to be all alone in that great big house.

Oh Mae....

(Mae sobs)

Oh Mae maybe they can help him here.

(Lady shouts off screen to Mae and Rose)

Ladies.... the Reverend will see you know.

Thank you.

(Reverend talking)

Well you have come to the right place.

Here at "gay be gone"

we can knock the gay clean out of them.

With Christ loving mercy of course.

We are just so worried about him.

Do you really think you can fix him?

(Reverend) Let me show you how our program works.

We begin by teaching our new recruits proper

"masculine" behaviour.

(Voices from behind door)

(Teacher) Check out the tits on that chick!

(students drone) Check out the tits on that chick!

(teacher) Woman bring me a beer!

(Students drone) Woman bring me a...

(high pitched voice) Sour apple Martini

(Reverend) and then they practice in a more realistic

heterosexual environment.

(Stripper music coming from behind door)

Shake you money maker.

Bambi take it off...

I am going to f*** her, then go and play some football

then f*** her again!

(Reverend laughs)

(Rose) Oh my?

(Reverend) Impressive huh?

Reverend I don't mean to question your methods,

I don't believe I want my son behaving like that.

Lady do you want a polite little woosy mama's boy.....

Or do you want a macho stud that is

pumping out your grand kids?

I guess so.....

Of course you do.

and to make sure the message sticks,

We give the a short course of "aversion therapy".

Every time Eric here sees a homo erotic image on the screen,

He gets a gentle electric shock,

(Sound of electric shock and man screaming coming from behind door)

Through a wire connected to his testicles.

It's sort of like hitting a puppy with a rolled up newspaper

(another electric shock and scream from behind door)

This will rewire his brain to start accepting

more heterosexual ideas

(Longer electric shock and prolonged scream of pain from behind door)

So in doing so we have cured him,

In a manner consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Well that was certainly educational.

I guess.....

Oh what are you going to do Mae?

I don't know Rose.

I want him to be happy but....

(Mae talking from inside)

Look at him, he is so handsome.

(both Mae and Rose talking)

(Mae) I know he is so good

(Rose) I know he is such a good boy.

(Brian talking to lady)

hey I will probably see you next time.

(lady) bye bye thank you again so much.

(Brian) It's OK bye guys.

Hi....

Hi there... I just came by to finish the garage.

It will be white, it is suppose to last about 50 years.

Are you happy?

(Brian) What?

(Mae) It's just that your usually smiling....

But this past week...

Is something?

It's nothing.

(Brian) Look at me now I'm smiling.

I'm fine.

You know I will do anything to make you happy.

I know.

I am going to go and finish that garage.

You know something Mae?

I don't care if he is "you know".

I like Brian just the way he is.

You know what Rose?

So do I.

God I am so relieved.

Even if I will never have grand kids.

There is not a single thing I would change about that man.

(Rose) No, me neither.

What am I going to do Rose?

I can't stand the idea of my baby boy

going through life alone and unhappy.

Well he always seemed to be happy when Dennis was around.

Rose what are you suggesting?

I am not suggesting anything....

I am just saying....

That maybe that was why he always had

that big old goofy grin on his face.

You mean.....

Oh my god.

I just got a picture in my head of Brian and Dennis....

....together.

Which one do you think was....

What?

Well you remember when Brian was toilet training and...

I don't want to know

(Rose) Well what are you going to do?

The only thing a good mother can do.

There you are.

Mae??

(Mae) I just thought you would like a little help

with the move is all.

Where do you want these?

In the kitchen.

So Mae... how have you been?

Other than my hip, nothing to complain about.

and you?

I'm fine.

That's nice.

By the way....

When were you going to tell me you have been sodomizing my son?

Pardon?

Oh my isn't that the right word?

Well what I mean is when you and....

I know what you meant Mae.

You have been eating at my table for 5 years,

and you couldn't even drop me a hint?

Brian was just waiting for the right time.

Dennis listen to me couples fight...

It doesn't mean they don't love each other.

The two of you should talk.

It's not right for men to live by themselves

it says so in the bible.

Although I must admit I had to get passed all that stuff in laviticas....

about the two of you being unspeakable abominations.

But there is this lovely part in Genesis,

where it talks about how men should not live alone.

How the should have a companion.

(Dennis) Yes Mae I know.

Now I have to admit you are not exactly what

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